Practical Advice Where do I go?

[Anon Mouse]

Lately I have been feeling enormous amounts of guilt and self hate.
I sat yesterday at my Kitchen table while my son was in school with <mod edit> I have left over from a few years ago. I googles how much would kill, what it would feel like. Painless death brings up samaritans which I tried to phone but the wait was so long because lockdown and everyone's feeling the strain.
I'm being Selfish thinking like this and it scares me. I don't know who or how to tell anyone that it's no longer just an errant thought. I don't want to lose myself but the mounting pressure of being a parent/friend/family and still being able to feel proud of myself or any of this.
I'm exhausted.
I don't feel good about anything.
Only thing that stopped me was the thought of my son seeing my dead body.
Help. Please.

 

[Morpheus78]

I have too, felt like you. I am also still struggling with suicidal thoughts. I am tired of fighting and merely surviving in life.

The only thing that has kept me going is my family, my kids. It would be devastating to them if I actually did it.

Please seek help, help to re-find the meaning of life…your life. There is a purpose that you are here, you just need help finding it. You your love for your son to help fight off these thoughts.

 

[Gert]

Hey Anon Mouse,

Have you ever been on a plane? You know how the flight attendants will emphasize 'put on your own mask first, then help others'? You have people relying on you, but you cannot help them unless you let yourself be helped first. Talk to literally any medical professional and be completely honest about this. Tell them exactly what you said here, that you're scared of losing yourself, that you want to be there for your loved ones but that you're exhausted. You need things that you are not getting, and not only you but others will bear the consequences if this doesn't change (though to be fair, even if it was only you that would be more than enough to get help). Call the doctor you know, call a new one, or go straight to the hospital. It's all right to ask, even beg for help. It's by far your best chance of a bright future for you, your son, and anyone close to you.

Much love and strength<3

 

[may71]

Sorry that you're going through this.

You might want to try making a safety plan

https://www.suicideforum.com/community/forums/i-dont-feel-safe.103/

I'm not sure if you're currently getting any form of treatment, but you might want to make some additions or changes to your treatment if it's not working. This link has some information about treatment methods (conventional, alternative, and self-treatment).

Treating Depression, Anxiety, Insomnia, Pain; Other Suicide Help

The Reading-Well "books on prescription" may be worth checking out. The titles there have been checked out by mental health professionals, and the site is sponsored by the UK's National Health Service.

https://reading-well.org.uk/books/books-on-prescription/mental-health

I don't want to lose myself but the mounting pressure of being a parent/friend/family and still being able to feel proud of myself or any of this

You're welcome to say more about this if you'd like

I hope something can help.

 

[Anon Mouse]

I was very sick when I wrote this and I am sorry it took me so long to get back to you. Thank for your help and advice. I am horrendously shocked I got so close to this again after all the work I have put in to stay above this.
I had Pneumonia and was suffering severe depression. I don't have treatment.. I don't have anybody really but I usually cope much better than this. I am going through a lot just now and emotional whiplash from several people in my life is taking a toll. I have decided to step back and refocus on myself and my son. Thank you again. I fully appreciate all your kind words.

 

[may71]

I don't have treatment

If you're at risk for a suicide attempt, getting on medication is probably a good idea, at least until you no longer feel suicidal. If you need help finding treatment, I can try to help.

If you can make an appointment with a general practitioner, they should be able to prescribe some medication for you.

 

[MarvelFan]

@Anon Mouse I have what you have and much worse but talking to just regular people or even crazy people like us on here can help. You have a son that is a great thing greater than you might think.

Hold on to you son and in the present and the future talk to him more and more and I believe that will give you hope as I hope he will get that from you over time.

Take care

 

[Rockclimbinggirl]

I had Pneumonia and was suffering severe depression. I don't have treatment.

Do you have a doctor you can reach out to for support?

 

[Anon Mouse]

Do you have a doctor you can reach out to for support?

Not really. Throughout Covid I been too worried about getting help. My anxiety kills me. I get through on a phone and the automated voice rymes off all these options and I just hang up. I don't know how to speak up, before I could just make an appointment at my local clinic now I donno how to even start.

 

[Rockclimbinggirl]

Not really. Throughout Covid I been too worried about getting help. My anxiety kills me. I get through on a phone and the automated voice rymes off all these options and I just hang up. I don't know how to speak up, before I could just make an appointment at my local clinic now I donno how to even start.

Are you able to book an appointment using email? Or maybe getting someone to help you with the phone call?

 

[may71]

If you can't find an email address, and you can't get help with a call, maybe you could send a letter explaining the situation, and include your email address in the letter. They might have a fax number too.

Maybe there's also a website where you could book online?

 

[Anon Mouse]

I had a friend help me make the call and got an appointment. Its so damn scary.
I need a plan eitherway. I know that deep down I need something in place now, asap. I've spoken on and off to doctors, therapists, psychologists. Never been this scared or starting that conversation again.

 

[may71]

I had a friend help me make the call and got an appointment

That's great news!

I hope the appointment goes well.