Hi, Im Isa. My real name I cant post because Im so frightened of people reading my posts, so lets assume my name is Isa. ok ? No one really knows why Im here, so I thought i'd post, try and clear my head a little. I hope thats okay. Why I am here now I am a member of SF because Im suicidal, obviously . My day to day problems are mainly based around being suicidal, I am suicidal because I am suicidal . I have social anxiety disorder which is very severe and means I cannot leave the house. I occasionally go out (Im telling you this to be honest and not hyper dramatic about my condition, but in all seriousness this is NOT often, its like twice a month to leave my house is a good month). When I do go out I can only go places Ive been many times before, the doctors surgery and my grandparents house. I have recently been working hard on going to my local shop by myself, Im making progress. Even though many times Id walk in and walk back out again in fear. Now sometimes I can buy things and go home. I wake up every morning wishing I hadnt. The second I open my eyes Im in emotional pain. I hate living, I hate being the way I am. I often spend days in a state of being so depressed that I sit in chat staring at people talking wishing someone would offer me support, but if they do I am so upset and disorientated that I dont know what to say, and I hide away. (If ive done this to you im really sorry, its not about you). I worry 24 / 7. I very very very rarely give away anything about myself, there are lots of reasons for this, the first being my state of overwhelmed anxiety and hysteria, the second being the people around me in real life.. Since my last attempted suicide my dad and sister (who never really spoke to me before this) asked why so I wrote them a letter. Carefully edited not to be accusatory or spiteful, about my life, how I felt about my life, about who I have become and how I feel. As a result my sister is an emotional wreck, and has on at least one occasion turned back to cocainne, an old habit of hers. She is so upset and frightened, even though we have never been particuarly close, of loosing me. I think. This is probably because a) Guilt b) Our other sister died and it ruined all of us, broke all of our hearts and c) I guess in her heart maybe she does love me. My Dad fell apart, I think from guilt, and has just got out of detox for alcaholism, and has told me to my face its my fault. Dont reply with 'its not your fault' because I am trying to write 20 years of a life here, I cant tell you every single detail of my life so you cant know exactly what its been like, so just take my word for it, both these things were my fault. The boyfriend I had for the past 2 years, Nick, had a break down, left uni, and has now (literally, in the past 24 hours) left the country and asked me not to contact him. Not because he hates me but because he still loves me and we arent together any more... But in actual fact he is hurting because I am a terrible person to be around. I manipulate people into doing what I want. If I am feeling down and need someone to be with me so I dont kill myself I cant bring myself to tell someone that honestly, but I will work myself up into a hysterical state so he would come rushing to look after me. Im not proud of that, I am not. I am wishing I could leave that out so people wouldnt think badly of me. I was emotional, I am a wreck. But it does not ever excuse hurting others. I firmly believe I would do anything to stop this pain hurting others, I give all of myself to helping others but keep nothing for myself, I dont deserve to feel better though. All the people around me, who got close to me, are falling apart because I am depressed, manipulative, psychotic and insecure.. and I still cant stop. & Finally, Ive been on SF a year and a half, and Ive told my story when I first got here, so its hard to repeat. But the reasons above are why Im here now, but you probably need to know what made me this way, what put me into this vicious cycle of self hatred and suicidal thoughts... Why I came here When I was 7 I had the perfect life, mom dad, two sisters. One of them, Laura, was severely handicapped. She was the middle child and I was the youngest. (My eldest sister is Jemma). I adored her. Jemma would help me get ready for school and Id help Laura get ready for school, we shared a room, Id do her hair, wipe her mouth, help her eat. She was 2 years older than me, but so ill that she felt like my baby. People often say 'you were too young, the grief cant of really affected you'.. all I know is who I am today. I loved Laura with all of my heart, and when she died I felt like half of me had been ripped away from me. And I still feel like that. Growing up the family was very focused around Laura, we knew her life expectancy was short so we tried to give her the best life we could, so when she died my family fell apart. By the time I was 12 my sister Jemma was moving in and out of home, drinking heavily and (not sure when it started) taking drugs. My dad stopped speaking to me and my mom, we had an outhouse converted into 'the office'. It had a computer, tv, and a bed, eventually my mom slept in. My dad would camp out in the front room, drinking cider and watching tv to forget his own depression. If I said hello to him Id get no reply, and I wasnt allowed in the front room (his room). Jemma however was. The jealousy I felt mixed with the natural grief at Lauras passing meant Jemma and I never got on. She would often start arguements, put me down, anything I did she had done before, better, and I was worthless, and if I disagreed she would pin me down or thump me, and remind me she could hit harder than me (which was true). Eventually when I was 13 my dad moved out. I found out later hed been having an affair my whole life, even when Laura was in the hospitals. I had been being severely bullied at the time, but he wouldnt talk to me about it, said it was a sign of weakness. After he left my mum said I could move schools. I was very happy at the new school but when I was 15 my mom Jemma and I moved to Bristol. My mum wanted to live closer to her parents and away from the rumours in the town we lived in. My mums best friends had spread rumours about my dad, thinking this would amuse my mom.. she said it wasnt right, so they spread rumours about her, thinking we wouldnt know who started them. My mums best friends told our town that when Laura cried we would lock her in a drawer. The beautiful angel child we all adored. Obviously it wasnt true but having Lauras memory and her name marred like that was too much, so we moved. (Again I didnt know the real reason for hte move til much later). In my new school I finally felt the harshness of my depression hit me. I started self harming minorly, just scratches, for attention.. I needed the help, I was desperate for someone to tell me how to take the pain away. That Christmas Jemma and I went down to stay with my Dad for Christmas and Lauras birthday (just after Christmas). On Lauras birthday we do something fun to celebrate her life, so Jemma and I decided to go and see LOTR, wed both really wanted to see it and it was something we could do together, she invited her best friend from when wed lived down there, Jason (27). Jason and I hit it off right away, flirting and giggling, we both had the same off the wall sense of humour. By January we were a couple, by the end of Febuary we were engaged (with a gorgeous engagement ring) Predicted A*s for all my exams I had a break down and only just passed most of them, with no As. I tried to kill myself on the morning of my English exam and self harmed DURING my maths exam with a broken mirror Id smuggled in in side a tissue. In sixth form I was very unhappy, I was not chased up if I didnt turn up to lessons so I spent most days locked in the cubicle in the sixth form toilets cutting myself or crying. To this day there is a huge mureal drawn on the wall of an eye, that was me. In June I had a break down at school and then a huge fight with my mum at home, so I ran away. Jason came and got me and I lived with him down in my old home town for 3 months, not leaving his flat often and crying alot of the time. I believed my parents were purposefully trtying to sendm e insane to get rid of me, the child they didnt want, they wanted laura back. During this time... Jason refused to use a condom. Lauras illnesses were genetic and I was worried I was a carrier ( I didnt understand mucopolysachridosis, her main illness, at the time) so this upset me alot. I would often say no, I didnt want to, but sometimes he would talk me into it, tell me not to worry, and Id give in, feeling guilty. We were engaged and I hated sex, I thought it was disgusting, I figured that I wasnt normal, Id never heard of anyone hating sex before.. I figured that it was something wrong with me, and I had to make this sacrafice for him, we were almost married and 'marriage is about sacrafice'. But if he couldnt talk me round he'd do it anyway. At the time I didnt realise what was happening, apparently thats common. It wasnt until Id moved home and a few months later wed split up that it suddenly occured to me that what had happened wasnt normal. Mid conversation about her new boyfriend I spilt my guts to my best friend at the time. I kept it secret, I told my close friends and my new boyfriend, but no one else (My mum and sister now know, years after.) My new boyfriend chris had a shadow on his brain (we didnt know that at the time, we got this diagnosis about a year ago, and he let me know). As a result he often forgot I existed, not literally but I would become so unimportant that if I didnt contact him he wouldnt notice. One time I decided to test him, I didnt call him for 3 weeks and he didnt notice. I called him in the end to break up with him but as usual he talked me round. Aside from his condition, he had one unforgivable trait. He always had to be right. Doesnt sound too bad does it? But my dad was the same, and when someone else is always right it means you are always wrong. I was trying to deal with the trauma of my relationship with Jason and trying to support chris in his depression & being in a wheelchair. But I was falling apart, and if I tried to talk to him about it he would remind me that what he was going through was worse and I had no right to talk about it. After a year Chris and I broke up, he moved out of the city without a thought to me, to go to university. Hes happy now, out of his wheelchair and on medication to control his moods, and studying to be a nurse. Okay so, Im getting tired of writing now, and youve had alot of the present already, so Ill list the rest. My sisters death My dads withdrawl from me but not my sister My other sister putting me down / hitting me Moving to a new city Self harm Jason & that whole situation Repeated 'break downs' Now self harm with razors, very deeply Chris Suicidal Social anxiety disorder = dont leave the house Incredibly low self esteem, almost in its minuses, to the point that if someone asked me to do something that would hurt me, if it was what was best for them i would still do it. Bullied at 2 schools Failed my exams, and then failed my A levels due to mental problems 3 times Have seen 5 psychiatrists for assesments, have been told 'am not critical enough to recieve treatment within the mental health service' Only overdosed enough to end up in hospital once, where the doctor told me i should of used a more reliable method like electrocution or 'injecting myself with a needle that had air in it' Have had 5 counsellors, helpful but didnt change anything. Have had 10 gps (general doctors), had to keep changing when they refused to help me. Have been told 'its your age' 'eat healthier' 'try yoga' when tried to seek help. No friends Constant obsession with suicide No life And this is who I am.