Practical Advice why do I want to kill myself ?

[moonbell]

Hi everyone,

I’m here because I have struggled with suicidal before and recently they have come back - but I have no idea why.

I have been self harming for the past two months, and I’ve had an eating disorder for the last two years or so. And again It’s weird because I have no idea why exactly I’m doing these things (well aside from that they come from self hatred, but WHY do I hate myself ?).

If I could make sure my loved ones wouldn’t be sad, and I knew how to say goodbye, I think I would kill myself.

Does anyone have any idea why I might be like this ? Is there anything you’ve read or experienced that has helped you ?

I feel it’s worth mentioning, I’m a 19 year old man. I would really appreciate a male perspective on this, as I often feel very alone as a man with some of these issues

Thanks,
Moonbell

 

[Lara_C]

Welcome @moonbell and I hope being here with us will help you feel better. Regarding the self hatred, people sometimes have a really harsh inner critic in their heads which sabotages them . This can be countered by using a technique like talking back to yourself whenever you become aware of harsh, negative and critical thoughts. It's a part of cognitive behavioural therapy and there are online courses and apps which are available . Consistently applied, it stops your mind running on automatic pilot and replaces negative thoughts with better ones . Self compassion is also a practice you can learn online. I'm guessing the self hatred stems from you being poorly treated in the past and that you have internalized this as a self sabotaging inner critic.

 

[Lara_C]

Here's links to info about how to stop the inner critic and practicing self compassion you might find useful

Silencing the Inner Critic with Self -compassion

FEEL your Thoughts

 

[moonbell]

Thank you for your thoughtful reply, Lara_C. I really appreciate you taking the time.

I have heard about the harsh inner critic before but I suppose I find it quite difficult to implement - thank you for sharing the online resources if they may help with that.

Regarding the ‘why’, I don’t think I have a history of being poorly treated. By all accounts I think I have a pretty good life… it makes me feel lost in trying to overcome these feelings and behaviours.

Anyway, thank you again

 

[may71]

It’s weird because I have no idea why exactly I’m doing these things (well aside from that they come from self hatred, but WHY do I hate myself ?).

I'm sorry you're going through this Moonbell.

You're definitely suicidal and self hating for some reason, it's just that you don't know the reason yet. It's not normal for someone to be suicidal or self hating just out of the blue.

I'd have to know more about you to offer a good guess about what's going on. One possibility is that there's something messed up about your family that you don't realize is messed up. Another possibility is that there's something messed up about school/community that you don't realize is messed up.

Did your school system or community lean to the left politically?

 

[Gard]

but I have no idea why.

You probably aren't getting what makes you happy. Find a way to get it.