Why do we have to feel so alone

[Yodadan84]

Why do we have to feel so alone...In a world full of people? May I ask this question?

I'm 33, male, straight, and am seeking that woman to share my life with, yet just can't seem to find a connection within the limits of where I work or live. My history is that I've dealt with many things in my life; bullying, alcohol abuse, depression, recovery from several attempts, etc, but I gotta say, that this constant, enduring loneliness is the one thing that has been more painful than them all that I can't seem to overcome or get out of my mind.

Over the last 2 or 3 years of my life, I've gone through much pain and worked so hard to overcome or rid myself of all the toxic things in my life(including recovering from a serious suicide attempt in 2016), and the result is that I've become a better person in every area of my life(something I am Damn proud of, by the way!) But this loneliness, this lack of an everyday, personal relationship, just eats and eats away at even the toughest resistance that I can give it. I'm not currently suicidal, but I know from experience that constant pain from something you are dealing with or lacking is a perfect recipe for suicidal thought, something I really, really don't want to go back to, especially after all of my positive progress.

You see, I've never been in relationship before(mostly due to earlier self-esteem issues, my lack of self-worth, or reluctance to get into a relationship I knew wouldn't be good for me in previous unhealthy mental states). I'm still a virgin, as I don't have much use for sex(except the obvious). I'm not afraid, but believe it just complicates things(especially when having children gets involved), which is no good if your doing your best to keep a clear mind as it is(I've lost male friends along the way too, for having this unpopular viewpoint).

Much of my success dealing with suicide and depression has come from learning to control my emotions and desires(good and bad), which is no easy or quick task, I will tell you. But this day after day, week after week, year after year turning the key in the door and having no one on the other side is so devastating some times(especially being alone at night or on the weekends when I'm not at work). There comes a time when going for a walk or focusing on other things just doesn't work anymore either, like a part of your very soul or body is missing. And yes, I've been through the similar 'false hope' things that others have been through; the dating sites, desperation, trying to force a relationship to happen, or just 'wait and see' if Ms. right comes along as well, all failures(but important learning lessons). I've even pondered moving, but decided against because this is where my life and(more importantly) my support system is, which I don't think I could live without.

So I ask, why, oh why, in this world full of people do I both witness and live this constant, lonely existence because; A. I didn't try hard enough B. I wasn't good enough C. I wasn't at the right place or time to meet someone D. It's my fate to be lonely or E. None of the above... It shouldn't be this difficult, but it is, and I just don't know what more a man can possibly do to change this repeating cycle. I also prefer someone who knows what this whole process is like, or knows what the depression/suicide game is all about. I just think I would relate to them more, though I'm not sure if that's healthy because I have zero experience in relationships anyway. Does anyone relate, have experience, or wisdom that may be of some help to this problem that I'm sure many people deal with? Thank you in advance

 

[may71]

Sorry that you are going through this Yodadan

I guess one of the secrets to meeting someone is putting yourself in situations where you can meet someone.

Public transportation is better than driving, since when you are driving it's pretty much impossible to meet anyone. You might even like being on public transportation even if you don't want to do anywhere, just to be around other people.

Your interest in Yoda might be the basis for meeting other people with a similar star wars fascination...and I think there are quite a few of them. I don't know if there is a star-wars meet-up group, but there might be. Or some kind of star-wars fan club or convention.

 

[BarryW]

Hello Yodadan,

I am 34, single, male, and live alone, so maybe I understand some of what you experience. I haven't dated someone for almost 12 years so I'm not going to try to give advice on how to find/date people. What I will talk about is how to deal with your current situation in a more productive way.

Yes I have trouble with the weekends too, especially if i have zero plans to leave the house. Being alone for long periods of time is dangerous. I don't see much information about any current friends that you have. Do you have any close ones? Pardon me for perhaps stating the obvious but having some people you can confide in helps stave off the pain of any other type of relationship you may be missing. And all this personal interaction can help build skills for when you do start dating someone.

Keep looking but maybe be more open-minded regarding what timeline you might find someone in. If you go around desparately searching for someone because by god you don't want to be alone all year, that might be counterproductive. What about keeping a fair pace of looking for dating or whatnot but for the rest of your time, work on how to improve your situation or life. For example:
1) do more financial planning, so you have less to worry about next year/ if you have a baby / at retirement
2) build up some job skills
3) find new hobbies
4) research cool new cities you might want to move to

Staying busy, productive, and social will I think help keep you safe, make you more ready for your next relationship, and give you increased opportunities to run into different types of people that may be more compatible with you.

Best of luck to you my friend.

 

[Yodadan84]

Hello Yodadan,
Thank you BarryW for the response, I appreciate the feedback.

Yes, I have considered some of the very things that you just mentioned. I refer to this coping skill as 'mind occupation' and it is effective, but only temporarily when it comes to dealing with a long-term problem(such as loneliness). I don't really have any friends right now, but I'm grateful to have a decent support system of a couple close family members or people I can go to if I really need to talk. I also just started going to a weekly activity group centered around those dealing with mental illness, so I'm hopeful of having some connections there as well.

I guess I'm just in the part of my life now where I need to focus on the 'timeline' thing you mentioned and being patient with things happening, while still pushing forward and making the effort to better myself. This is very difficult sometimes when it's already been a long road, or you see and have to be around others who already have a meaningful relationship though, you know what I mean? It comes at a price, the pain is mine(ours) and it is not free to get to the next level of life sometimes. I find sometimes I have to do whatever I can to get through the more lonelier days, whether at work or those crappy, inevitable restless nights that are bound to happen through this process. It creates a helpless, desperate feeling that I hate and am pretty tired of, especially after so many years of doing my best to cope with. I also know, though, that life is a lot better getting something when you're ready for it, compared to when you're not, which can have catastrophic results too. The race is always more tiring near the finish line, isn't it? Ha, just saying...

Your response shows that you care, thank you again. The world and this website can benefit from more people like you. Anyway, take care man, good luck to you also(though luck really has nothing to do with it...)

 

[BarryW]

Hello Yodadan,

I'm glad to hear you have some support system in place. Try to adjust how much time you spend thinking about what you don't have versus what you do have. It is hard enough to make and keep friends even when we aren't feeling depressed.

You're right that some of what I suggested is "mind occupation" but it's also more than that. By going through those activities, you will change, maybe in small ways or maybe in surprisingly large ways. If your current self is having trouble making friends/lovers, wouldn't it make sense to change yourself for the better in order to have an easier time of it?

What do you do for exercise / physical activity?

 

[Sand and Sun]

Yodadan and Barry, from your posting here I see signs of a condition referred to as sexual anorexia. Are you guys familiar with it at all ?

 

[BarryW]

nope

 

[MrB79]

@Yodadan84 I'm in a similar situation, except I was married once. Not having anyone special in your life can be quite lonely and painful, as you're aware. The best thing I can offer is what BarryW suggested. In short..work on yourself. People have told me things happen when you least expect them. Maybe it's true. Keep your head up.