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Why just why

Discussion in 'Mental Health Disorders' started by Lola 2018, Mar 17, 2018.

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  1. Lola 2018

    Lola 2018 Well-Known Member

    I've told my story of what my stepdad and I did starting at 6 yrs old I held it in for many yrs then things started coming up Nite mares and so on when to a therapist now all these yrs later I have Ptsd he can still hurt me I see him all the time I smell his after shave yes I know he's dead but I know he's here a yr in therapy I'm worse I should have found a way to make it stay away I have tried different things to get better but I'm run down I have to pretend to my family they know I'm seeing a therapist but not the sick things I let him do Ptsd is a everyday battle I feel like I stay more in my past sometimes when I see my stepdad I sometimes loose a hr and don't know how I'm scared I'm mad I need to hate to go on and I'm stuck in this crazy life
  2. may71

    may71 Well-Known Member

    You're not to blame for what he did to you. A child is not responsible for being sexually abused.

    Do you think it would help if you talked to your family more about what happened?
    DowntheRabbitHole likes this.
  3. Lola 2018

    Lola 2018 Well-Known Member

    I can never let them know the truth never I have to fix this and pretend I'm ok
  4. Petal

    Petal SF dreamer Staff Member Safety & Support SF Supporter

    You never ''let'' him do anything, you were SIX years old. He is a monster and I'm sorry you are suffering with PTSD. It's a strain on your mental health for sure. I don't think pretending you are okay when you're not is a very good idea, its bottling all the raw feelings and emotions up butI'im glad you are at least seeing a therapist and hope that therapy can help heal you. You deserve..a life worth living.
    DowntheRabbitHole and may71 like this.
  5. Kalicka

    Kalicka SF Supporter

    I don't know about you, but I know that my feeble attempts to walk around and pretend I'm okay haven't been working out so well. I can walk around all day with a stupid grin and an amazing mask, but by the time I get home I'm a mess. Then I sit here and I hold it in, not saying anything to anyone. On the occasions that I finally speak up, it comes out a huge ball of emotion. I think for both of us it might work better to pretend a little less. That's just a thought though, I haven't really been willing to try it out yet myself.
    DowntheRabbitHole likes this.
  6. Aprilflowers7

    Aprilflowers7 Well-Known Member

    What is the definition of PTSD, exactly? I know I can look it up but I get tired of looking up stuff on google.
  7. Petal

    Petal SF dreamer Staff Member Safety & Support SF Supporter

    Post Traumatic Stress Disorder
  8. Aprilflowers7

    Aprilflowers7 Well-Known Member

    Oh ok thanks!
    Petal likes this.
  9. Lola 2018

    Lola 2018 Well-Known Member

    The only way I can hide how bad it is when I get home I go straight to my room and stay so they font see me cry my husband he's disabled never comes to bed till 4 and by then I've had a nite mare and am up it's takes all my strength to hid the truth
  10. Lola 2018

    Lola 2018 Well-Known Member

    He took my childhood now he has the rest of my life my family can never know it so disgusting I could always block it out but it get harder now
  11. may71

    may71 Well-Known Member

    Pretending like you are ok when you are not is probably making all of this a lot harder for you.

    Sharing that you are suffering with someone you love is a way to become closer to them. They may also be able to help you.

    What if you at least let them know that you are having terrible nightmares? Maybe later you might feel like telling them more, but telling them a little is probably better than nothing.

    Maybe if your husband was around, he could wake you if he saw that you were having a nightmare.

    I bet in principle even a dog could be trained to wake you.
    Lulabelle and DowntheRabbitHole like this.
  12. DowntheRabbitHole

    DowntheRabbitHole SF Supporter

    I want to scream that you didn't "let" him do anything. You were a child. An innocent child who should have been loved and cherished and not abused. I'm sorry this happened to you. ((hugs))
    In my experience, a lot of times when those flashbacks and nightmares start up after a long time, it's because our mind and body let us know we've held these secrets for too long. These horrible things are DEMANDING to be given voice and light.
    I am so angry! Angry that no one protected you. Angry that he's still having power over you. Angry that this is making you so sad.
    I am sitting with you, Lola. ((hugs)) 8 they are okay.

    Dawn and may71 like this.
  13. Lantern

    Lantern Active Member

    It gets better. I suffer from the same condition as you but for a different reason. I will not say that everything will always be perfect but what I can say is that it gets Better. There will always be flashbacks and memories but they will haunt you less and less. You grow stronger each day that passes. I don’t know if that helps you at all but I just wanted to say that this is a battle worth fighting and that you will make it.
    You are strong even if you don’t feel that way. You deserve to have a happy life.
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