Why.. me...

Discussion in 'I Have a Question...' started by hawk, Aug 3, 2012.

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  1. hawk

    hawk Account Closed

    I feel constantly depressed. it never stops. no waves, just.. constant.. numbness.. blury world.. depression. just.. UGH. then i met a girl. lets just call her.. Mckenna for now. (not her real name). and she was awesome! she was bubly and happy and jsut what i needed to pull me the f*ck out of this slump.I stopped cutting. got happier, went out more. she was intrested in me! then.. she found out i used to cut. the scars are very obvious when youre swimming and you have many deep scars. she told her mom..(wtf..?) and her mom banned her from every talking to me (wtf...?). so now she hates me. and i have nothing to live for. my scars DQ me from the Marines, self harm is a permanent DQ. and now the girl i love hates me forever. i cant ever take me cutting back. the cutting was supposed to relieve me of my pain. now, its the root of even more pain. i cant livel any more. but What did i do? why do i ahve to be the failure. i should just hang myself. i could shoot myself but itd be took quick. i deserve excrutiating pain.
  2. Dave_N

    Dave_N Banned Member

    Hi hawk. I'm so sorry to hear that your girlfriend broke up with you after seeing your scars. Have you tried talking to her since? Please don't hang yourself or shoot yourself man. Maybe if you talk with her and explain to her that you have a mental illness and you used to cut yourself to relieve some pain, then she may understand. Some people find cutting to be really scary and it's hard for them to deal with it. Don't give up man. :hug:
  3. hawk

    hawk Account Closed

    Hi Dave thanks for the reply. And I have talked to her. She said I need to change. She doesn't me because of my mental illness. This sh*t only makes it worse. Death seems so fu*king inviting right now
  4. Samara

    Samara Account Closed

    She was alarmed by something she saw from your past, yet she contradicts herself by saying it's the mental illness that is the issue? I'm going to go out on a limb here and say that this girl/woman likely has no idea how to deal with someone who has such heavy emotional responses to events in life. I.E. she probably has lived in her rather bubble world as you described it, and the people around her are likely in that bubble world too...

    Such a person will never truly understand you. They may be what you need to pull yourself out of that slump, at first glance, but what really would pull you out of this slump is someone who is bubbly, yet still in reality. Someone who at least has their feet grounded on earth, and who has room to understand, and learn, and acknowledge.

    Not someone who thinks it's not cool to be around you, because of your human flaws. Is such a person even capable of loving you? No. That'd be a lie to yourself to even continue that relationship either, because it'd be one sided. It'd just be what she wants, and making her happy in the moment; and any time you failed to do that, she'd be rubbing it in your face and blaming you for everything.

    As hard as this is to hear, that kind of person is not the kind you need in your life. I used to think that I just want to be happy and in a bubble too, but I found out the very hard way, like you are now, that such a world is just so usury filled, it's unbelievable. She will use you for when she needs, dump you when you need.

    Think about it... right now you have a need. Where is she for you? Is she here for you, now that you need something? Heck no!

    She's busy ignoring you, and blaming you for everything. Being with her would only continue the same situation well into the future, where you'd notice that magically when she needs someone, or comfort, or a good time etc... you are always there, but it's never returned. That's because she doesn't damn understand you. She's in her own planet, and honestly, let her be there. The path she's headed on, will be one where she finds herself abandoned eventually, because she constantly only thinks of herself.

    But the path you are on, is one where you think about the other, you think about their needs... you think about being happy and what it takes for two people to do that. You are much better than you think right now, you are much more worth it than you think right now too. Her problem with your "past", shove that back at her.

    That is your past. It made you into this person who wants to be happy now. It made you into this person who needs very nice things out of life, things she obviously can't appreciate beyond her judgemental and small minded headspace.

    It created you into someone who is considerate. Someone who knows life on the deep end. She has a problem with that? She has a problem with a past she wasn't even a part of?

    Think about what I said, until you get that this woman is rude beyond belief to judge you for something she wasn't even around for to begin with, as if it was any of her business to stick her nose into that one. It wasn't.

    I really hope that you can stand up again on your feet. If you feel your past was a mistake, the scars, the cutting...if you regret it, or if you don't... that's not something you should have to justify to your partner of ALL the people in your life. People may ask about it, but NEVER should you have to justify such a thing to someone who is supposed to be there for you, someone who is supposed to be understanding, someone who is supposed to care, someone who is supposed to be patient etc...

    It's not you who is unhealthy this time. It's her and that mindset. Honestly, I'm sorry that she ever made you question yourself, or make you feel like you should not be who you are, or like you can't show your skin, or like you are unwanted etc...
  5. hawk

    hawk Account Closed

    Samara.. thank you. i believe you are 100%. obviously im unhealthy too though lol
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