Wow! I can so relate. Everything you say here is how I have felt. It is about being seen, feeling taken care of, taking a break from the outside world. I used to see the idea of being in hospital as being a way to remove myself from the rest of the world and everything that seems to constantly bombard me. The thought of curling up on a bed in a room with no one pressurising me, just a nurse or doctor coming in to be there for me, sounded perfect, sounded safe . Tbh it still does sound nice, but I have started to find other ways to find the space and the peace that I need. My turning point was a diagnosis of bipolar and a new medication which has managed to ease some of the symptoms, which is making life more tolerable. Although I never imagined a tablet a day would be able to make the change that it has and I still have bad days where I slump, but I urge you to keep fighting. Keep asking for help, keep speaking to professionals, ask to speak with a psychiatrist, keep a list of your symptoms for when you speak to someone.
I know it feels impossible, and I thought exactly the same thoughts that you have written here for a long time, (and they still hover around at times), but there is hope out there, I promise. If you haven’t already, ask if you can see a psychologist, (although I will add that it took several appointments with my psychiatrist before he finally diagnosed bipolar, so I don’t want to give the impression that it is a miracle appointment when you see them for the first time, no golden gate moment, when you finally see the big man, which is a whole different part of my story, although happy to share if you ever wish to hear it)
I hope this helps to know that someone else has felt the exact same thing, and I understand you. Xx
