Will I ever be "normal"?

[Briezy]

I sat in class today, psych then math then communications and the themes were self everything then patterns then self everything again. I was overcome with emotion after emotion sitting there thinking about all that has happened to me. I questioned everything I have ever known.

In psych we learned that the majority of your most vivid memories, the ones you remember well into adult hood, come from you teen years, that is 13-18 years old. So why is it that I don't remember anything in my life except for the time I cracked my head open, the time I was almost raped, and my three hospital stays that happened in the past two years? I hate this. In communications we were asked to recall an event that happened between us and anther person from when we were younger, do you think I could remember anything? Let me answer that bluntly NO! Here is the real kicker... whenever I do remember a memory especially the ones that i named above I only see them in third person. it is like an out of body experience I am literally watching myself go through the event. I don't get to see it from my perspective, How annoying!

I hate having to go everyday and fight to survive. I hate having to fight to stay afloat and to keep from drowning in school work, home life, personal life, my depression, my anxiety hell everything. I hate having to be the one that is hiding the biggest secret of everyone at school. I wish I had friends, I wish I had a boyfriend, heck I wish I had a girlfriend, someone that actually cared about me and wanted to be there for me for the rest of my life. I wish that I felt a connection with someone, someone I could love but I don't. Not one person have I ever had that feeling that I could be with them for an extended period of time. I wish that I could have friends that I could talk to and people other than my counselor that understood, or at least acted like they understood. I wish that i was a normal human being with a normal plain jane old boring life. I wish that bad things stopped happening to me. I wish that I could be happy for more than an hour at a time. I wish I could believe in God because I know there is so much comfort in knowing he is there for you. I wish that I could just be me all the time. I wish I was me. I wish the bulbs to light the path to that ever elusive exit would just come on. I wish I could escape.

Would it be better if I was gone? Would there really be bliss? How much fight can a girl fight before the fight wins and knocks you down? I wish my bulbs in that never ending tunnel were LED's so they would never burn out. I wish I knew where to go from here.

Hot showers and smelly lotions are no longer helping. I haven't had a good night sleep in over three months. I have tried everything. I think it might be time to throw in the towel and say goodbye to this crazy roller coaster called life...

 

[Rockclimbinggirl]

Have you told a doctor about the way you remember things? Hugs. I do not think there is a "normal". Everyone is different and unique.

 

[Stiv]

I don't believe in normalcy, but I know what you mean. You want to be able to connect, you want to be able to relate, and you feel like you can't because you have never been able to. That must be so frustrating and distressing. I have similar feelings a lot.
I remember things in similar ways, the third person thing. It's like watching a movie instead of remembering an experience. I'm unsure if that's related to the dissociation I experience or if it's just an unrelated quirk. But if you feel comfortable bringing that up to your counselor and you haven't already, you should consider doing so, along with the fact you do not remember most things. They probably won't be able to restore your memories but they might be able to help you understand why it's so and get to the root of it. Those are all extremely upsetting experiences, maybe the way you remember them is your brain's way of trying to cope and protect yourself from them?
Your statement about God really struck me because that's something I also wish. I am so jealous of people who are able to believe in and find comfort in God.
It also sounds like you still *want* to keep fighting. Do you know what kinds of things may motivate you to keep fighting? Sometimes even the littlest thing can keep you going, like "my favorite band is going to put out a new album and I wanna hear it" or even "my pet would be very sad if I was gone."

 

[Briezy]

Thanks Stiv and Rock girl! I have told my counselor about this all and she says that the third person thing is a way of dealing with trauma. I was not too satisfied with that answer because I think that there is more behind it. She said that with doing EMDR therapy I will be able to hopefully see my memories from my perspective again. As for the psychiatrist, I have not told my current one the way that I remember things. I told my last psychiatrist and she did an MRI but found nothing at the time I was also dealing with major auditory and visual hallucinations. So they thought there might be something physical going on. i kind of wish they would do an fMRI just to see if my brain is actually functioning correctly. I was determined my sophomore year in high school that I had a brain tumor, web MD told me so. I was having major headaches every day in addition to the hallucinations, always tired, never felt like myself. Well the MRI busted that but maybe it was just too small to be seen then maybe they should do another one. I really wish that there was a physical reason for all of my mental health struggles. It would be so much easier if I could just point to a scan and say that is why I feel this way! I know that it is probably not the case and a lot of times it is a chemical imbalance and that cannot be seen on a scan. I have felt with all of this for so long that I am just tired of trying anytime I tell my counselor this she always gives me this answer of what are you doing to help yourself, like what is your self care routine. I never have time to do self care. between school and appointments, and basic struggles of life I am just doing my best to handle all that. I know that self care is important but even when I do it, I never feel better. Most of the time it is a distraction from what is going n but the moment I stop the feelings flood back in and that is if they ever left during the activity. I am so tired of constantly having to fight and struggle and most importantly hide who I really am. I feel like I have to live up to this standard at school of not having issues even though I know that other people are fighting the same thing. I go to a commuter college and that mentality is you go to class you go home nothing else. People are not there to make friends they are there to get their credits and be done. The average age of our students is 30. So I am on the young side at 18. I don't want to go hang out with a bunch of 28 year olds on the weekends. I know what you are going to say... maybe this isn't the right school for you. My answer to that is that it is. I am not ready to leave home, my counselor, constant communication with my psychiatrist. I am just not ready to live in a dorm with catty girls who just want to gossip. I love the in and out life that I have at my school, I just wish that I didn't have to hide my feelings.

Stiv, you asked about what I look forward to, nothing much. I do everything because I feel that i have to. If I don't do it then I will disappoint my parents, teachers, everyone, the world. I don't have anything that I do for pleasure because everything has lost the brightness of fun. I do my homework and I eat and I go to school and I come home. That is it. I volunteer every once in awhile at the local children's museum and that kind of brings me joy but only if I really work hard at finding the joy in it. Last time I volunteered it was just like I was there, not really making a difference. I was just a person. I try to get my family to go out and do things with me but they just want to stay home too. My mom hurt her IT band so she basically goes to work comes home complains about how much pain she's in and then goes to bed. My dad is so focused on exercising that he is always going to the gym, he never wants to spend time with me.

No matter what I put my hands on, I always mess it up. Like last weekend I was dog sitting for my aunt who has a new foundlind dog (sorry about the spelling) and I wanted to come down to my house with the dog so I could go to my new puppy's training class. So I brought the dog down to my house and at some point during the day while he was outside he cut his leg open. $900 later he had surgery to put the stitches in because he was so big and is now in a cone collar and taking a bunch of pills for the next two weeks. If I would not have put my needs first in bringing him down just so I could go to puppy class, then he would not have gotten hurt. I always end up doing something that hurts someone or something else.

Fight is a five letter word, die is a three letter word, which is easier to spell. I know what my answer is...

 

[Frances M]

Hi Briezy, I'm sorry you feel so bad! Life is a struggle, I know, I understand, I've lived it and still do. I wish I could wave my wand and fix it, so to speak. I'm sorry about the dog, I know you see it as your fault, but really it was a coincidence, dogs get into everything and anything. I hope you can release your guilt over that, though I'm sure it's hard.

You mentioned that you wished you could believe in God. I'm not here to push any religion, but just to tell you, when I felt really lost spiritually, I researched many different sects of religion and spirituality. I wanted some kind of faith in my life because, though I'm mostly agnostic, I needed more. I found my path from doing lots of reading and it really brings me satisfaction and gratitude. Maybe do some research, you might find something that clicks that isn't traditional?

 

[Stiv]

It could actually very well be a trauma related response, actually. I'm not a doctor but it sounds a lot like the dissociation I experience as a result of trauma, and the memories you described are all very traumatic. Your brain kinda formulates and recalls memories as if they happened to someone else so they don't hurt as badly. It doesn't really work, and it's very frustrating, but the human brain is a pretty imperfect machine. Daily headaches and headache disorders like chronic migraine are common alongside anxiety and depression, unfortunately. I've done EMDR, I'm not sure about it being able to integrate your memories properly, but I did find it very helpful for trauma, albeit stressful during the sessions.
It's very hard to look forward to anything when you are depressed. It sounds like you feel like you are merely existing.
The thing with your aunt's dog sounds like it was merely an accident, but it's hard not to beat yourself up about it, I get that. But you were trying to be responsible about your own pet.
What about your new puppy? Any joy from that? Who would take care of the puppy if you were gone? It sounds a lot like you are struggling with a lack of a sense of purpose. I myself have used "I need to feed the cats, though," as a way to put off making concrete suicide plans. Any little thing can help.
I know how it feels to just not enjoy anything anymore. It's a common symptom of depression and it really makes having depression all the more insufferable. You wanna try to escape, but you can't, because nothing is fun. I'm sure you have the empathy of many people on this forum for that particular thing.
Are you studying any particular thing at school?
Have you talked to your counselor or psychiatrist about your lack of restful sleep? Do you have difficulty sleeping because of negative or racing thoughts keeping you up?

You said that one of the memories that remain in your mind is of cracking your head open. Just so you know, head injuries absolutely can cause or worsen psychiatric difficulties. One of my former therapists worked with people with brain injuries after she left her adolescent art therapy job. From the sounds of it, you were still a kid when it happened, and your teenage years is when the part of your brain that controls emotional regulation matures. That may be the key to your problems, it may not. But it wouldn't hurt to try to find out. Does your treatment team know about this? If they don't, it's something to definitely bring up.
18 is a very hard, transitional point in many people's lives. I was an absolute wreck at that age, which wasn't too long ago for me.

 

[Briezy]

Stiv, no one has ever talked to me about a dissociative disorder from my trauma. Have you ever done any treatment for it? As for the puppy, she is a terror! She chews on everything including me. I kind of hate having her but don't tell my mom that because I was the one that wanted the puppy. I have an app with my counselor tomorrow and she usually helps me to find things to look forward to. In school I am studying Psychology and elementary special education. I really love psychology. It is my favorite class so far. as for sleep both of them are aware of the lack of sleep. My psychiatrist is currently working through different sleep meds I tried trazadon and that one did not work so now I am on ambien which seems to be helping a little bit. Last night I got to sleep within 30 minutes instead of an hour +. I do have a really hard time falling asleep because I think of anything and everything that happened throughout the day and then that gets my mind wondering to different problems I have been facing and so on.... Lots of negative thoughts have also come up when I try to sleep. Then sometimes I just wish to never wake up. When I cracked my head open I didn't have any tests done for a concussion or any head trauma but I have had an MRI and they said that it did not give any information to what they were looking for but that was a few years ago. I don't really have a treatment team other than my counselor and my psychiatrist but they don't really work together. They don't know about the head impact so I guess I could bring that up to them.

Frances, what religion did you land on? My family, well my mom, is catholic and I grew up in catholic youth ministry for most of middle school. i loved it there. It was my home away from home, my second family. I felt like I could be myself there. I really love the catholic faith although I do not follow as strictly as I am sure most catholics do. After taking a world religions class I do identify as an agnostic at the moment but would love to grow back into my catholic faith.

 

[Frances M]

I grew up Catholic, but it was too extreme and fundamentalist. I was taught that God was in fact a human who died and is now living in the clouds and that if he didn't answer my prayers, I was a doomed individual who was evil to the core, and who was going to hell anyway. How could anyone teach a child this? I lived in fear and was quite sure that I was going to burn forever because I prayed and prayed and none of my prayers were answered. But you know, prayer isn't about magical responses...it's about putting out your intention and then taking action to fulfill your wishes, kids can't possible get that. Prayer is for strength and resolve, not for lightening bolts and lottery winnings....sorry I'm ranting, I just have issues with my upbringing still some times!

Let's just say I'm more eclectic now. I relate more to the Natural religions like Paganism, Wicca and Scientific Pantheism. I don't label myself whatsoever because I choose what I believe in. I lean towards the Universe and Nature rather than a human-like deity. I see the divine in the trees, the ocean and the skies. To me, that's spiritual. I don't like to follow rituals and I'm certainly not the type who thinks that I can conjure up hurricanes and make people suffer with voodoo dolls, but I do some little charms and I read a lot about folklore and superstitions and see a lot of logic in the way the Native Americans saw the divine as well. Every day I say a few mantras to remind myself to honour Nature and myself, to harm none and to be my best. I do what I can to take care of the Earth and I try not to leave a consumerist footprint as much as possible. To me, Nature is what one might refer to as "heaven". I feel in my element when I'm in the woods, I hug my favourite tree daily , like you said, it feels like my home away from home. Faith, to me, is so important. I would not be able to function as an atheist because it would be much too sad for me to know that this is it. I prefer to see things as a circle of life, I came from the Earth and I'll rejoin the Earth when my time as a human is complete.