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Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by MoAnamCara, May 3, 2012.

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  1. MoAnamCara

    MoAnamCara SF Artist

    To disappear.

    To pass quietly.

    To end the pain.
  2. nok1888

    nok1888 Well-Known Member

    My feelings exactly
  3. windlepoons

    windlepoons Well-Known Member

    Guys, please do not disappear. You have the right to ask for help, to rant and rave and make a noise and say 'I am not OK, help please!'
  4. IV2010

    IV2010 Well-Known Member

    I understand why you'd wish that Mo but I wish that you don't go :hug:
  5. Forgotten_Man

    Forgotten_Man Well-Known Member

    If by disappear you mean cease to exist then I am right there with you.
  6. MoAnamCara

    MoAnamCara SF Artist

    I feel lost. Tense. Emotional. Sad.

    An empty vessel, perhaps a ship - lost at sea. A ghost ship, devoid of contents of any type. And wanting to become a shipwreck in so many ways.

    This hurts so bad, wanting to find a release from this pain.
  7. MoAnamCara

    MoAnamCara SF Artist

    Seven weeks, in about two hours time.

    Wish this pain would stop. Wish the images would depart from my mind.
  8. windlepoons

    windlepoons Well-Known Member

    It will fade with time I think, if you let it my friend.
  9. MoAnamCara

    MoAnamCara SF Artist

    This has been the worst week yet. It makes no sense.
  10. windlepoons

    windlepoons Well-Known Member

    Sorry to hear that.
    This may sound trite, but have you read any books on grief and bereavement?
  11. MoAnamCara

    MoAnamCara SF Artist

    thanks, yes. It takes me time and I need to go over and over things.

    Don't worry.
  12. D1979

    D1979 Active Member

    I feel like everything I ever loved in life has been taken away from me. I feel like everything that gave me pleasure, joy, and confidence in life has been ripped away from me and is never coming back. My life throughout the past 2 years has been constantly filled with nothing but anger, depression, misery, and anxiety, and this is not a life worth living in my opinion. My identity is gone and is now replaced with an identity that I never wanted, an identity that I never dreamed of having. I pine for the days when I was on top of the world, when I was the life of the party, when I was the person that people aspired to be and who people wanted to be around. I used to have friends calling me all the time, wanting me to go out with them because they enjoyed my vibrant personality and unique identity and they liked the way that they felt when they were around me. Now I've literally lost more than half of my friends. Some of them stopped calling because I feel that they didn't want to be around a person who is depressed, miserable, and negative all the times. Others I just stopped calling. Some of them reached out to me but I didn't contact them back because I can't be the same person that I used to be around them. I can no longer be the person that they knew and had come to love, the person that they befriended in the first place. I cannot stand it when I see all these happy-go-lucky people all over the place, living and loving life, doing things that I used to do as recently as 2 years ago, but now can no longer do. To sum it all up: As recently as 2 years ago, I was living a life that I was content with and I was a happy, energetic, vibrant person with a great personality. Now due to circumstances that happened to me in life, I am just a fragile shell of the person that I used to be. I am now in just constant misery, depression, anger, and suffering. This is no way to go through life and it is a life that is no longer worth living. Lastly, this is not a chemical imbalance issue that can be rectified with anti-depressants or shit like that. If certain things, didn't happen to me in life, I'd be on top of the world right now. But instead, I am so low and down right now that I may as well be 6 feet under.
  13. MoAnamCara

    MoAnamCara SF Artist

    Well being six feet under would join me with others who have left. :cry:
  14. IV2010

    IV2010 Well-Known Member

    At 7 weeks Mo perhaps the shock is wearing off and reality setting in..

    the body protects itself from grief hitting in one huge swell..and sends it in waves
    grief is so often referred to as a roller coaster ride..I hate roller coasters!

    I find talking about your feelings helps and I hope you find it some comfort to you to share with us :arms:
  15. 1Lefty

    1Lefty Well-Known Member

    I know that my grief was/is beyond any pain I have imagined. At my dad's service, the preacher admitted that all of us had been robbed and denied. He also said don't believe those who say it will get better, it won't, it will get different. But that takes time, gather the ones who can/will genuinely support you.
  16. MoAnamCara

    MoAnamCara SF Artist

    The caregiving role was enough of a ride. Not sure I can continue with this. I'm becoming withdrawn. I don't have people to "gather", which is probably better anyhow. Still want to fade away. Not sure why posting either. not sure what's going on
  17. windlepoons

    windlepoons Well-Known Member

    This rollercoaster is awful and upsetting but it will end. Your emotions will settle naturally after a while.
    Please do not fade, keep posting, and if you need help try to ask for it.
  18. clairedelune

    clairedelune Wanderer

    I feel exactly the same. So always know you're not alone with that feeling. Try listening to good music. It might help you feel better.
  19. MoAnamCara

    MoAnamCara SF Artist

    Another anniversary today. Another soul to mourn.

    Who will mourn for me? Who will care?

    Not that I care, but I think it is a reflection of ones life. The depth and amount of caring.

    These recent thoughts scare me.
  20. IV2010

    IV2010 Well-Known Member

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