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Work bully

Sunday16

SF Supporter
#1
I am dealing with a bully at work. Her style of communication is aggressive and demeaning. She doesn't speak, she snaps and bites my head off whenever I do something that she doesn't think is good enough or correct. She nit-picks my every mistake sending emails that are punctuated with numerous exclamation points and questions marks. She complains when I'm not able to complete everything, despite the fact that I actually do more than she does. I'm not the first person she's bullied, there are several, including my coworker. But the department director likes her because she sucks up to him and so he does nothing and enables her behavior. The manager wants us to all just get along. The supervisor is her buddy. Me and my coworker are the rubble under their feet. I can't take the abuse anymore, it's hostile and toxic. So I did something I've never done before. I sent a letter to the director of HR. I'm scared. I've read that HR departments do not like this sort of thing and that they see the complainant (me) as a problem. I'm not perfect. I've expressed my frustration with the lack of information and assistance I've received from the above mentioned management since I moved to this department a few months ago. But I had to take a stand because this workplace abuse is so stressful, it's making it more and more difficult to do my job. They will likely throw me under the bus, blame me, claim I'm just being defensive, and the like, and further alienate me. It's a culture of shame and blame and yeah, I'm defensive, I have to defend myself, because it's not healthy or productive situation and I have no support. I don't know what to expect but it's not much. I expect to either be given a bunch of feely good corporate advice or told to be the better person and suck it up or maybe they'll fire me. Whatever happens I deserve to have my concerns heard and at this point, I don't care if I do lose my job. No one deserves to be treated like this.
 
#2
Sorry that this has been happening Sunday.

If you can document what has been happening, and especially if you have other people who can back you up, then if HR does nothing for you, maybe you've got a legal case? Idk.

It's so stressful having to deal with someone like this. I've been in that position before, it's awful.

Sending hugs
 

Sunday16

SF Supporter
#3
Thanks May, I have a couple docs but deleted a lot of emails because they were so disturbing and upsetting. However I do know someone who worked with her last year filed a complaint and later quit. It’s my only hope that anyone will believe me.
 

Always Hopeless

Well-Known Member
#5
I am dealing with a bully at work. Her style of communication is aggressive and demeaning. She doesn't speak, she snaps and bites my head off whenever I do something that she doesn't think is good enough or correct. She nit-picks my every mistake sending emails that are punctuated with numerous exclamation points and questions marks. She complains when I'm not able to complete everything, despite the fact that I actually do more than she does. I'm not the first person she's bullied, there are several, including my coworker. But the department director likes her because she sucks up to him and so he does nothing and enables her behavior. The manager wants us to all just get along. The supervisor is her buddy. Me and my coworker are the rubble under their feet. I can't take the abuse anymore, it's hostile and toxic. So I did something I've never done before. I sent a letter to the director of HR. I'm scared. I've read that HR departments do not like this sort of thing and that they see the complainant (me) as a problem. I'm not perfect. I've expressed my frustration with the lack of information and assistance I've received from the above mentioned management since I moved to this department a few months ago. But I had to take a stand because this workplace abuse is so stressful, it's making it more and more difficult to do my job. They will likely throw me under the bus, blame me, claim I'm just being defensive, and the like, and further alienate me. It's a culture of shame and blame and yeah, I'm defensive, I have to defend myself, because it's not healthy or productive situation and I have no support. I don't know what to expect but it's not much. I expect to either be given a bunch of feely good corporate advice or told to be the better person and suck it up or maybe they'll fire me. Whatever happens I deserve to have my concerns heard and at this point, I don't care if I do lose my job. No one deserves to be treated like this.
What you've written sounds much like what I'm dealing with too.

You are correct about your fears with HR. They are for the company and for the bully. It's disgraceful. I learned this the hard way and I hope you don't have to aswell. I hope you're the exception. Just know that whatever they come back at you with, you didn't do anything wrong to cause the situation and you do not deserve that treatment. I'm a hypocrite telling you that because I'm so damaged with such low self-esteem that I struggle to believe it about myself. I hope you can believe in yourself and not let them damage who you are.

The only thing I can do is apply for other jobs because I know nothing will change. It's very rare for things to change in these situations. Most people tend to quit, get a new job and the bully just finds another target. I'm sorry about how disappointing my "advice" is. Honestly, I'm right there with you.
 

Sunday16

SF Supporter
#6
Thanks @Always Hopeless I really appreciate your words. You're right, HR did nothing, just sent me a response discouraging me from opening an inquest and recommending some touchy feeling bull crap that is essentially useless. She attacked me again today and I responded "Do not speak to me that way." Her supervisor buddy was on the response and said nothing about it, further confirming my belief that no one cares and nothing will be done. I've worked for the company for a long time but I am one person against many who are only interested in saving themselves. There's no hope. I'm stuck before I can find a new job which in this economy and job market is a depressing venture.
 

Lane

SF Supporter
#7
I am dealing with a bully at work. Her style of communication is aggressive and demeaning. She doesn't speak, she snaps and bites my head off whenever I do something that she doesn't think is good enough or correct. She nit-picks my every mistake sending emails that are punctuated with numerous exclamation points and questions marks. She complains when I'm not able to complete everything, despite the fact that I actually do more than she does. I'm not the first person she's bullied, there are several, including my coworker. But the department director likes her because she sucks up to him and so he does nothing and enables her behavior. The manager wants us to all just get along. The supervisor is her buddy. Me and my coworker are the rubble under their feet. I can't take the abuse anymore, it's hostile and toxic. So I did something I've never done before. I sent a letter to the director of HR. I'm scared. I've read that HR departments do not like this sort of thing and that they see the complainant (me) as a problem. I'm not perfect. I've expressed my frustration with the lack of information and assistance I've received from the above mentioned management since I moved to this department a few months ago. But I had to take a stand because this workplace abuse is so stressful, it's making it more and more difficult to do my job. They will likely throw me under the bus, blame me, claim I'm just being defensive, and the like, and further alienate me. It's a culture of shame and blame and yeah, I'm defensive, I have to defend myself, because it's not healthy or productive situation and I have no support. I don't know what to expect but it's not much. I expect to either be given a bunch of feely good corporate advice or told to be the better person and suck it up or maybe they'll fire me. Whatever happens I deserve to have my concerns heard and at this point, I don't care if I do lose my job. No one deserves to be treated like this.
Save the emails. Keep calm. If anything, they will move you to another department if your company is set-up for that possibility.

I'm sorry that you're dealing with this. I think that they may handle this in your interest because they dont want legal repercussions. As long as you've contacted HR then you have some defense.

Shame on them for allowing this behavior to go on. It dirs happen. Poor management and sucking up. I hate it.
 

Lane

SF Supporter
#8
I am dealing with a bully at work. Her style of communication is aggressive and demeaning. She doesn't speak, she snaps and bites my head off whenever I do something that she doesn't think is good enough or correct. She nit-picks my every mistake sending emails that are punctuated with numerous exclamation points and questions marks. She complains when I'm not able to complete everything, despite the fact that I actually do more than she does. I'm not the first person she's bullied, there are several, including my coworker. But the department director likes her because she sucks up to him and so he does nothing and enables her behavior. The manager wants us to all just get along. The supervisor is her buddy. Me and my coworker are the rubble under their feet. I can't take the abuse anymore, it's hostile and toxic. So I did something I've never done before. I sent a letter to the director of HR. I'm scared. I've read that HR departments do not like this sort of thing and that they see the complainant (me) as a problem. I'm not perfect. I've expressed my frustration with the lack of information and assistance I've received from the above mentioned management since I moved to this department a few months ago. But I had to take a stand because this workplace abuse is so stressful, it's making it more and more difficult to do my job. They will likely throw me under the bus, blame me, claim I'm just being defensive, and the like, and further alienate me. It's a culture of shame and blame and yeah, I'm defensive, I have to defend myself, because it's not healthy or productive situation and I have no support. I don't know what to expect but it's not much. I expect to either be given a bunch of feely good corporate advice or told to be the better person and suck it up or maybe they'll fire me. Whatever happens I deserve to have my concerns heard and at this point, I don't care if I do lose my job. No one deserves to be treated like this.
I just read the outcome. Good for you on your response. Log everything from now on. Keep a small notebook in your purse with dates and times. It will help you feel calmer too. I also had a bully at work and it eventually stopped. The whole department knew and wanted me to say something, but I told them I'm not stooping to her level. She was known to be nasty and eventually moved to another department and I was very happy. She called everyone, Girl! She was an ass. Anyway.
 

Always Hopeless

Well-Known Member
#9
Thanks @Always Hopeless I really appreciate your words. You're right, HR did nothing, just sent me a response discouraging me from opening an inquest and recommending some touchy feeling bull crap that is essentially useless. She attacked me again today and I responded "Do not speak to me that way." Her supervisor buddy was on the response and said nothing about it, further confirming my belief that no one cares and nothing will be done. I've worked for the company for a long time but I am one person against many who are only interested in saving themselves. There's no hope. I'm stuck before I can find a new job which in this economy and job market is a depressing venture.
I'm really sorry that happened. I had a feeling it would, but naively hoped it wouldn't.

The only thing to do after that response is to start looking for another job. Keeping documentation and whatnot is fine if you intend to build a legal case later on. But none of that matters when it comes to your company internally dealing with it. They will continue to respond the way HR did. Similar with legal cases - they can just as easily deny, support your bullies and brush it all under the rug.

It's always devastating and disappointing to hear that looking for another job and putting up with it until then is all you can do. That's why we get so severely depressed - we're trapped in the abuse. The job market for me here is also dead, so I know what you're going though. I've applied to other states and am already getting phone calls. Is moving an option for you?
 

Always Hopeless

Well-Known Member
#10
The bystanders who know very well what is happening are worse than the bullies themselves, if you ask me. Bullies are just pieces of shit. They're not complicated. They are jealous, inadequate and take those frustrations about themselves out on others who are successful and good at what they do. A lot of them are also just pure evil.

The bystanders are cowards. They fool themselves into believing they are good people because they don't participate. Knowing what's happening and looking the other way is a form of participation. They will go on to enable bullies and abusers then wash their hands of it. Please don't traumatize yourself by trying to work with HR. HR are scum. I learned this the hard way. I hope you don't become as damaged as me.
 

Sunday16

SF Supporter
#11
@Always Hopeless I could move, but right now I'm stuck in my lease for 8 more months. I will keep trying to find another situation. I have friends at work who are supportive, but they can't help me either. Thanks for being so supportive, it helps to have some validation!

I am trying to stay calm @Lane and I'm going to keep track of everything from now on. It felt good to say that. I may get a hand slap from the managers, but I don't care. Someone has to stand up to her. Thanks for your support!
 

Always Hopeless

Well-Known Member
#13
I think you can break lease, though there are consequences to that. You might be able to find someone to take over your lease, which would probably be ok as long as the landlord doesn't mind.
Yes. I've broken a lease before once I got another job. A likely consequence is that you have to pay a certain amount, usually the next month's rent and a fee for them having to find a new tenant. Some places do allow you to find someone to take over your lease.
 

Sunday16

SF Supporter
#14
@Always Hopeless - wise words in your post above. I also think the reason others don't confront a bully has to do with self-preservation. I can't blame people for that, because it's a primal condition to protect yourself. I'm always amazed by people who become whistleblowers, or those who are the first to speak out against their company for corrupt practices. It takes incredible courage. It also helps to have supportive friends and family. And the more I consider the bully, the more I realize that they are, in a twisted way, practicing self preservation, too. Maybe they see the person they're victimizing as a threat and attacking and demeaning them is their defense; an attempt to protect themselves from what is actually their own internal struggles. But it does not excuse it the behavior. My bully has problems, and that is not my problem, and I'm tired of her trying to make it my problem.

Thank you @may71 @Always Hopeless @Lane and @Dark111 for talking with me through this. It's really helping me process this situation that I've been silently suffering though for the past few months.
 

Dark111

FORMER SF SUPPORTER
#15
@Always Hopeless - wise words in your post above. I also think the reason others don't confront a bully has to do with self-preservation. I can't blame people for that, because it's a primal condition to protect yourself. I'm always amazed by people who become whistleblowers, or those who are the first to speak out against their company for corrupt practices. It takes incredible courage. It also helps to have supportive friends and family. And the more I consider the bully, the more I realize that they are, in a twisted way, practicing self preservation, too. Maybe they see the person they're victimizing as a threat and attacking and demeaning them is their defense; an attempt to protect themselves from what is actually their own internal struggles. But it does not excuse it the behavior. My bully has problems, and that is not my problem, and I'm tired of her trying to make it my problem.

Thank you @may71 @Always Hopeless @Lane and @Dark111 for talking with me through this. It's really helping me process this situation that I've been silently suffering though for the past few months.
Don't thank me. I'm guilty of "wrong think" and need to be sent off for re-education. My post to you was deleted because it was not orthodox.

But I truly wish you well in all your future endeavours and hope you find your strength.
 

Sunday16

SF Supporter
#16
I actually didn't see your original post, @Dark111 but the snip above did make me think about how hard it is to take a stand and support the minority. Your "re-education" comment made me laugh. Stay open-minded my friend and be a life-long learner! {hug}
 

Dark111

FORMER SF SUPPORTER
#17
I actually didn't see your original post, @Dark111 but the snip above did make me think about how hard it is to take a stand and support the minority. Your "re-education" comment made me laugh. Stay open-minded my friend and be a life-long learner! {hug}
I don't actually belong on this forum . My thoughts are not "correct". But Thank you for your affirmation. I rarely get that.

Be well.
 

MisterBGone

SF Supporter
#20
What you've written sounds much like what I'm dealing with too.

You are correct about your fears with HR. They are for the company and for the bully. It's disgraceful. I learned this the hard way and I hope you don't have to aswell. I hope you're the exception. Just know that whatever they come back at you with, you didn't do anything wrong to cause the situation and you do not deserve that treatment. I'm a hypocrite telling you that because I'm so damaged with such low self-esteem that I struggle to believe it about myself. I hope you can believe in yourself and not let them damage who you are.
-H?
The only thing I can do is apply for other jobs because I know nothing will change. It's very rare for things to change in these situations. Most people tend to quit, get a new job and the bully just finds another target. I'm sorry about how disappointing my "advice" is. Honestly, I'm right there with you.
How's it going, now. . . A
 

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