Work colleagues not understanding my eating disorder :/

[Rosie21098]

I have a relatively unknown eating disorder called ARFID, which means that the foods that I can eat are heavily restricted (probably can only eat about 5-10 foods). For me, it is because my abuse as a child has links to food and I've been told that my body panics (like it did when I was younger) when confronted with food which means that it ends up physically rejecting the food. I either can't eat it at all, end up gagging or being sick. Basically, my nervous system is stuck on high alert, and for me, this plays out through being overly cautious with food. Consequently, there are only a few foods that my mind considers 'safe' and that I can eat easily. I am a lot better now and can eat more foods, but this doesn't really make a difference in terms of eating out at restaurants. For example, I can eat lettuce but I couldn't eat a salad.

I have moved to France to do an internship and the culture is to eat together for lunch. I have explained that I have a medical condition that severely limits what I can eat and they were supportive at first. However, this has really changed. I've been put in a few awkward positions where they have been looking for a restaurant and have quizzed me in front of lots of people on what foods I will/won't eat - literally just listing out foods for me to say yes or no. I put this down to a simple lack of understanding, but then the other day I told them that I would not be able to eat out with them that day as I couldn't eat any of the food in that restaurant. When they saw me leaving to get my own lunch, they blocked me by the door and said I didn't have a choice and I had to go. This conversation went on for about 5 minutes with me repeating that I would not be able to eat there, but the woman kept saying that I had no choice and had to eat out with them every day this week. She even got the boss involved who just walked away saying I would 'just have to find something'.

As we left the building, she stopped me again and asked why I wouldn't be able to eat anything and asked if it was because I had toothache. I repeated that I have a medical condition, but she dismissed me and said I would have to ask the restaurant if they were able to make me something else that wasn't on their menu (this made me feel extremely uncomfortable). At this point, I was feeling extremely anxious and could feel my body tensing up and I knew, no matter what food I was going to eat, even if it was a 'safe' food, I wasn't going to be able to eat it.

When entering the restaurant, she pulled me to one side again and said that I should spend the afternoon phoning up local restaurants to see if they had anything I would be able to eat and when we were looking at the menu she was whispering across the table trying to find something for me to eat and telling me to mix up the different meals to make my own. She then asked me if money was the issue (even though I had so many times that I had a medical condition). At this point, my other colleagues were whispering back and forth saying 'what is it that she doesn't eat?'. When it came to eating the food, I couldn't even eat one of my 'safe' foods because I was so anxious. They noticed and asked if I was ok but that was it.

The next day, they did the same thing again. When pre-ordering food, they start listing different options for me to say yes or no to in front of all of my colleagues in a meeting. I was forced to go again, knowing I wouldn't be able to eat the food.

This is majorly setting me back and all of the progress I am making. I understand not everyone is aware of ARFID, but surely you don't go about it like this? Especially with such a sensitive topic like food! I don't really know what to do as I can't really avoid this happening again. The only thing I can think of is being more specific that it is an eating disorder and I cannot be pressured to eat like that, but I would rather not create an awkward situation for everyone.

 

[MisterBGone]

Holy Cripes?!? I am so sorry for what you are having to go through! What a nightmarish experience? At least I am glad to hear that it is only an internship, and not a more permanent position... I really thought that I'd read through this & have some decent suggestions for you. And while I'm no expert, you have such keen analysis of the situation--& your foresight is so on point; that it is difficult for me to even begin to come up with a viable solution or option for you.

One that might actually work, given the hard-headedness & stubborness (as well as, "cluelessness?") of your work colleagues! I am baffled and blown away by this. I am also not overly well versed in their culture, but surely, even being that as it may (or how you'd described) you'd like to think that they'd be a little more sensitive & understanding to such a delicate circumstance for you?

Only thing I could come up with is to try to re-imagine a way in which you may be able to describe it, such that they'd be able to comprehend some of the magnitude with which the difficulties are presently presenting themselves with. For instance, they are clearly not getting the point of what you're saying. In other words, they don't understand how bad it is for you. The seriousness, and the severity of it all. . .

And I'm not saying, by any means, that you've got to disclose any more details than you're comfortable in disclosing. But there has got to be some way in which you can reach them. What that way is, I haven't got a clue? But there are some pretty smart people around, and hopefully one or some of them will have some brighter ideas! Sorry I couldn't be of more (practical) assistance.

As an aside, from their side - & I'm probably not telling you anything you don't already know (or have a profound understanding of) - they're just trying to diagnose and solve the situation, or the/ir dilemma. Kind of insenstive as you say. But that's what I think they're doing, is problem solving, as opposed to grasping the gravity of what you're challenged with. It really shouldn't seem so complicated, to me, many countries & miles away?

But their navigation is not helpful. How to translate that? I'm not sure~
While it is only a minor inconveniece for/or to them--it is a major one for/or to you!

Do you think that they understand the impact that it has on you?

 

[MisterBGone]

Could you say something like, "It wreaks havoc on my nervous system?" I don't know what would be too personal, of course. So I am just 'thinking out-loud!' You are probably right to avoid too much discussion on mental health, just so that they don't get biased in any way, depending on their beliefs. Who knows, there could be more office/group-dynamics at play, as well. I'm really not sure. Sorry I can't advise any better than that! But I wish you the best possible outcome for your situation.

 

[Lady Wolfshead]

I would not give them any explanation, other than a medical condition. Anything psychological is "not real" in some people's eyes.

I consider their behaviour to be pushy and rude. What you eat is nobody's business but your own. I have dietary limitations myself (such as no onions or garlic atm which pretty much rules out most restaurants).

One option would be to just accept where everyone votes to eat, and just have whatever you can, or bring your own food as backup. I do understand that the French love food and it's a cultural thing about sharing good food. But it's not okay to put you on the spot like that.

Maybe you will have to lay down the line and eat alone? If it were me I would say that I feel like others are feeling restricted in their choices due to me, so I prefer to opt out of the group meals. Especially if they are making you so anxious you can't even eat food that is normally okay.

 

[Livelife]

This is so hard to fathom and it's really sad and unfortunate for you to have to deal with others putting you in any kind of position around your free choice regarding any topic. It's easily understandable it would be so stressful, and since they appear insufferably relentless, deaf and disrespectful, how about telling them you have a severe medical issue even saying IBS or Krohn's. Maybe there would be a sufficient response and relatability to what they would deem in their minds a "legitimate" diagnosis and you wouldn't have to receive any more push to divulge your personal private story in order to get them to stop harassing you. None of this is their business.

 

[Sad Elf]

Hi,

I feel your pain. I have Chrons and can't eat out. We have to eat out for work sometimes. Our boss is French and I think it is a cultural thing. But whilst I don't want to appear rude I simple can't eat. I have explained I am happy to sit there and not eat ..... But still people insist on saying why don't you try xxxx, or what about xxxx.

Some people simply don't get it. I am sorry they don't except your explanation you should not have to explain yourself. I hope they start being more respectful.

Take care
Elf

 

[Lady Wolfshead]

This is so hard to fathom and it's really sad and unfortunate for you to have to deal with others putting you in any kind of position around your free choice regarding any topic. It's easily understandable it would be so stressful, and since they appear insufferably relentless, deaf and disrespectful, how about telling them you have a severe medical issue even saying IBS or Krohn's. Maybe there would be a sufficient response and relatability to what they would deem in their minds a "legitimate" diagnosis and you wouldn't have to receive any more push to divulge your personal private story in order to get them to stop harassing you. None of this is their business.

Yeah I have to agree with this. They are still pushing you. What I tell people is "If I eat this, I will not die, but I will have cramps for hours later." Then they usually leave me alone.

I have a friend who cannot eat foods with a remotely "mushy" texture - like bananas, cooked bell peppers. I know she gets tired of explaining this.

Is there not one person who might take your side and defend you? A lot of people have allergies and things these days. If you said to a sympathetic person "look if I eat certain foods I'm going to get sick, but everyone is pushing me." I mean, I would certainly stand up for you.

 

[KM76710]

That is an odd situation from my point of view. I do not know the culture or laws in France. Living in the United States I have never encountered such a scenario or could imagine it others blocking, detaining or forcing another person to do something.

 

[Rosie21098]

Thank you all for your replies. Even if you weren't able to give specific advice, it still really helps as I think I have begun to convince myself that their behaviour is acceptable because ARFID is a largely unknown condition. I can't say the situation has improved, however. We went on a work trip for a few days and we went for food together on the first night. Initially, they had booked a Thai restaurant (despite being very clear that I wouldn't be able to eat anything there - apparently I just magically had to find something!!) but then we went to another restaurant. There was one thing I could have so I got that. I didn't eat the salad and left it and the man next to me said something about that before then shouting 'omg she eats, she eats!' and then leaning across the table and shouting it again to the other people while also clapping and encourages the others to do the same. The other intern told me that the woman next to him (who is the woman most of my post is about) was telling him 'no' but in a laughing way and not being serious at all. The next night, I ordered my food and he asked me if I preferred beef over fish, I said yes, and then he turns to the woman opposite and told her and said 'she had steak last night - didn't you see?'.

I don't really know what to do about the situation, but I have a counselling session on Tuesday so hopefully I will be able to find a solution then. I do think I need to be more stubborn. I mean, I definitely am standing my ground, but I do need to not back down at all. At the end of the day, it is for my health and wellbeing.

 

[Sad Elf]

This is totally unacceptable behaviour on his part. And very rude. And the lady if she is boss should have been clear that he should not act this way.

If you hadn't already been clear maybe he could have been 'joking '. As you have been clear he is being thoughtless and I would suggest this is bullying.

I am angry just reading this that you have had to put up with this. I hope your councillor can tell you a professional way to deal with it, as I am afraid of it was me I would likely loose my temper with such a horrible group of people.

I have you have something nice planned for the weekend and try and get this out of your mind.

 

[MisterBGone]

They're treating you like a trivial, fascinating case. As if you're a unique study that needs pointing out so as to provide fodder, and gossip & entertainment and such. Or that is their way of breaking the ice. Some cultures have different definitions of rudeness, or what is considered to be the norm.

But I do believe you are right to stand up for yourself. I only wish I had the knowledge to provide you with what reasonable solution might work.

I don't suppose you could get a Dr.'s note, stating something specifically which would help you shut them up. Perhaps it would help the given restaurant, too?

It's hard. You don't want to feel like this, with them ridiculing you like they do. Hopefully if you begin to think less of them, or their behavior, that will lessen or soften the blow. I know it would for me.

I might make something up, if the ends justified the means, or it got the job done (on all fronts). Like saying you're 'gluten-free.' Just as a "for-instance." This is of course taking for granted that they would accept that, you'd be able to handle that (diet) & so on & so forth. . . I'm way too uneducated to know how to suggest much of anything on nutrition.

 

[KM76710]

I agree about the standing up for yourself. Someone doing what you are describing would like end up with them getting into a fight if they got physical in trying to control another person's action.

 

[seabird]

This used to happen to me every time I visited my family. The social structure is where the problem lies. You'll need, in order for things to change, to not be concerned about doing something different. It is fine to not want to make people feel awkward, especially being in a new country, but the thing is: their reaction is their problem not yours. Find a way to get the food you need and eat lunch by yourself.
I would suggest if confronted again, then state outright to them that you don't want to be put on the spot any longer. Then change the subject.

 

[Ju]

I'm sorry your experiencing this problem. I understand your pain as I have a very limited diet due to allergies and some food I can't even think about eating. I tend to explain it all as allergies it's just easier but I still get nasty comments at times

 

[alice202]

Rosie

This is heartbreaking. The intention on the employer's part may be to build a team which is comfortable together through shared meals, but in this case its having the opposite effect. Nobody has the right to interrogate you regarding what you do and don't eat. And nobody has the right to compel you to eat when you know there is a good chance it will make you ill.

I am a vegetarian. My reasons are partly health, partly environmental, partly animal rights. Since I work from home the subject doesn't come up in a work context any more. But I remember once, about ten years ago, when a manager brought a piece of pizza to my desk - with sausage on it. I thanked her and I ate it, because it seemed like it would be socially awkward not to do so. And then I got terrible stomach cramps. After two years of abstaining from meat, my body could no longer handle it.

My case is different than yours since I have more options. Usually there is at least one entree that I can order that is vegetarian and I'm ok with that. As a new vegetarian someone told me not to let it interfere with being social. Then he described how his family would hold gatherings at restaurants that had virtually nothing he could eat. So he would order a vegetable and not complain about it.

What I've seen is that people who can be very flexible with their diet don't understand that this is not the case for everyone. When I get in a situation where someone is pressuring me to eat meat I talk about the time I ate the pizza with sausage and got stomach cramps. Nobody wants to hear about the time you got sick!

Don't let your manager pressure you into eating out or even into explaining your medical condition. Its really not her business. "No" should be enough of an explanation. This isn't about your work, after all. Its about lunch.

Alice

 

[silver-watercolors]

I have a relatively unknown eating disorder called ARFID, which means that the foods that I can eat are heavily restricted (probably can only eat about 5-10 foods). For me, it is because my abuse as a child has links to food and I've been told that my body panics (like it did when I was younger) when confronted with food which means that it ends up physically rejecting the food. I either can't eat it at all, end up gagging or being sick. Basically, my nervous system is stuck on high alert, and for me, this plays out through being overly cautious with food. Consequently, there are only a few foods that my mind considers 'safe' and that I can eat easily. I am a lot better now and can eat more foods, but this doesn't really make a difference in terms of eating out at restaurants. For example, I can eat lettuce but I couldn't eat a salad.

I have moved to France to do an internship and the culture is to eat together for lunch. I have explained that I have a medical condition that severely limits what I can eat and they were supportive at first. However, this has really changed. I've been put in a few awkward positions where they have been looking for a restaurant and have quizzed me in front of lots of people on what foods I will/won't eat - literally just listing out foods for me to say yes or no. I put this down to a simple lack of understanding, but then the other day I told them that I would not be able to eat out with them that day as I couldn't eat any of the food in that restaurant. When they saw me leaving to get my own lunch, they blocked me by the door and said I didn't have a choice and I had to go. This conversation went on for about 5 minutes with me repeating that I would not be able to eat there, but the woman kept saying that I had no choice and had to eat out with them every day this week. She even got the boss involved who just walked away saying I would 'just have to find something'.

As we left the building, she stopped me again and asked why I wouldn't be able to eat anything and asked if it was because I had toothache. I repeated that I have a medical condition, but she dismissed me and said I would have to ask the restaurant if they were able to make me something else that wasn't on their menu (this made me feel extremely uncomfortable). At this point, I was feeling extremely anxious and could feel my body tensing up and I knew, no matter what food I was going to eat, even if it was a 'safe' food, I wasn't going to be able to eat it.

When entering the restaurant, she pulled me to one side again and said that I should spend the afternoon phoning up local restaurants to see if they had anything I would be able to eat and when we were looking at the menu she was whispering across the table trying to find something for me to eat and telling me to mix up the different meals to make my own. She then asked me if money was the issue (even though I had so many times that I had a medical condition). At this point, my other colleagues were whispering back and forth saying 'what is it that she doesn't eat?'. When it came to eating the food, I couldn't even eat one of my 'safe' foods because I was so anxious. They noticed and asked if I was ok but that was it.

The next day, they did the same thing again. When pre-ordering food, they start listing different options for me to say yes or no to in front of all of my colleagues in a meeting. I was forced to go again, knowing I wouldn't be able to eat the food.

This is majorly setting me back and all of the progress I am making. I understand not everyone is aware of ARFID, but surely you don't go about it like this? Especially with such a sensitive topic like food! I don't really know what to do as I can't really avoid this happening again. The only thing I can think of is being more specific that it is an eating disorder and I cannot be pressured to eat like that, but I would rather not create an awkward situation for everyone.

I have ARFID too (from having a feeding tube as a baby for several months), and it really sucks. It's even harder to deal with when people don't understand and decide to be pushy about food--I have relatives who comment on what I'm eating and how much, and it makes it so much harder to actually eat. I really empathize with how stressful it is, and I'm so sorry your colleagues are behaving like that. Frankly, the way they're acting is appalling and deeply unprofessional. I mean, physically blocking you from leaving? Interrogating you over food options? That is wild to me that they feel so entitled as to bully you over a medical condition you can't help.

I wish I had advice on how to approach them, but I don't other than simply re-iterating (as you've already been doing) that it is a medical condition and not a mere preference towards certain foods. If they don't understand when you say it's a medical condition, I doubt they'll be empathetic even if you explain in full detail what ARFID is. Your health and comfort are far more important than their opinions of you; if you need to miss out on a social group lunch because it isn't safe, you have every right to (although of course this is easier said than done, and may feel awkward to actually do). If there's anyone at your work that you could reach out to about their behavior who might be able to shut it down, that might work too.

So many people have no idea how exhausting ARFID is because they think it's just "picky eating", and it's really not. I hope it gets better soon and that maybe someone higher up in the workforce might be able to step in and stop it. I hope at the least that eating gets easier for you and that you can enjoy the internship in spite of this <3

 

[Innocent Forever]

How is it going @Rosie21098
I just wanted to check in and send love. And remind you that what they qere doing is totally unacceptable.

 

[Rosie21098]

How is it going @Rosie21098
I just wanted to check in and send love. And remind you that what they qere doing is totally unacceptable.

Hi! I actually just came back on here as I've had another problem with them regarding the eating...

I eventually spoke to my university who agreed that I should send them an email explaining more in detail. Of course, I didn't have to do this at all, but I felt as though it also benefited me to be more clear. I also included some possible options that would work for me, but at the same time, I made it very clear that this will not change the fact that eating out with them will be a regular thing for me. She took it well and was quite apologetic, but then sent me another email completely changing the subject and saying that I am very quiet and hardly talk to them. I was a bit confused and why this seemed to have been turned onto me all of a sudden. She arranged a meeting with me the next day, but all she seemed to talk about was me being quiet.

There have been things that they have done since which have made me feel uncomfortable. One of the being the boss making a joke that 'thank gosh the new person doesn't have any dietary restrictions...that would be a nightmare' and a conversation where they went around the table and asked everyone what dietary restrictions they have. It seemed just a bit tone-deaf to me.

They also seem to like to decide for themselves if I would be able to eat somewhere. I had an important appointment regarding ARFID a few weeks ago and they had decided we all needed to eat out that day. Even though it was my lunch break, I had to explain to the boss that under no circumstances could I cancel it just to eat with them. She casually dropped in that the restaurant they reserved was a sushi restaurant - one I had said many times I could not eat at. I was anxious all night knowing I cannot eat there and that I was going to have to explain all of this again. I eventually told someone the next day but she said 'don't worry, it's fine they have chicken there so you can eat that'. This chicken was completely different from what I'm used to and had lots of different sauces and flavourings so it wasn't 'fine', but what annoyed me more is that they think they knew better than me. It's my decision if I can eat at a place, nobody else's.

Anyway, that isn't what I came here to add. Today, I was called into the boss' office. She told me that 'We've never had this problem before...you know, someone that just won't talk'. I'm naturally a quieter person anyway, but of course, this situation would make anyone quieter. She said she spoke to the boss and everyone else, and they have contacted the university about my 'bad behaviour'. The problem is, apparently, that I don't talk to them enough. She listed the different times throughout the day that I would have an opportunity to talk to them, one being during lunch times. She would say the importance of eating together, and then backtrack and say that she understands that's more difficult for me, but then reiterate its importance again. I explained that I obviously became quieter after the eating together issue and she was basically passing all blame onto me as she said I never told them about it. I told her that I did tell the person in charge of my internship during my second week as I realised it may sometimes be an issue and that I had mentioned it the time I was being 'forced' to eat somewhere I couldn't. She dismissed this and said, 'but you didn't tell us before you started did you?'. Personally, I don't think that makes much difference - I never expected it to be an issue like this. Although, that completely overlooks the fact that comments were made after I mentioned multiple times that I have a medical condition that restricts what I can eat.

She then tried to tell me that I have to eat with them at least once a week that this is important for me to do to improve my 'bad behaviour' and that there are other things I can do to make it easier, such as giving them a list of places I can eat at and telling them what I cannot eat. I have explained a few times that there is not a list of things I cannot eat, rather extremely few things I can and this is way trickier in a restaurant. As for the places I can eat at, this really depends on how I feel during the day as well as balancing everything to ensure I have the opportunity to try new foods and maintain as balanced of a diet as I can. It's just not as black and white as they are making out and I can't help but feel as though they are making it seem like I am just purposefully making this more difficult than it is.

I thought they would know better than to put a number on how many times I have to eat with them a week. It gives me so much anxiety as it feels like I'm being monitored. Every day when I get up to leave to go and eat, I feel anxious to tell them that I'm leaving for that reason. The most annoying part is that the options I gave them that would make it easier for me in terms of eating they never took on board, and are just constantly trying to make me do what they want.

 

[Lady Wolfshead]

Honestly I think you may need to seek legal help. It sounds like they are harassing you based on you having a disability. And I've never heard of a workplace where someone gets reprimanded for being quiet. That's ridiculous and again it's something you really can't control and OBVIOUSLY them making an issue of your eating will make you more quiet.

If you can, I would find somewhere else to work. I have found that it's better not to open up to coworkers too soon anyway. I'm quite extroverted and I would find it stressful being forced to eat lunch with coworkers every day, especially when I'm in a new job.

There's a guy on YouTube Dan O'Connor who does videos about interpersonal skills and assertiveness in the workplace. His channel is called the Wizard of Words. I have no affiliation with him but found his stuff helpful and he's got tons of subscribers.

 

[Lady Wolfshead]

Oh, and I would start documenting everything they say about your eating and "quiet" behaviour - if you haven't already. Write down everything that happens, date and time and what was said. It's good to have that evidence even for your own reference.