I have struggled with mental illness most of my life. I have severe depression, PTSD, borderline personality disorder, anxiety, disthymia and bipolar. I think that's all- lol. Until a few years ago, I was able to function pretty well. I would be able to go months without "crashing", could hold jobs for short periods of time, and most of my friends and family weren't even aware that I had problems. I have tried to commit suicide repeatedly. In 2010, I was almost successful. Since then it has been a nearly steady tumble downward.
My "crash" episodes consist of freaking out on everyone, panic attacks, closing myself off in the bedroom for days at a time, consistent crying and extreme suicidal thoughts and attempts. When I was younger, these episodes were typically brought on by something really bad happening and only lasted a few hours. Now, though, things have changed.
I would estimate that 80% of my life is consumed with thoughts of suicide, reliving even the most insignificant events in my life, and fighting the urge to cry. I simply cannot shake this crap. I don't have any friends anymore because I feel embarrassed to let anyone close. I can't talk to anyone because I am tired of reaching out and then feeling guilty, stupid, or like a burden. I can no longer get professional help because I don't have insurance or money to pay. I just feel hopeless and lost.
Last night is a good example of the way things have been lately. I HAD to go into town to buy groceries. Since I can't handle crowds or the confusion at Walmart and have trouble even leaving the house anymore, I asked my adult daughter to tag along. I had planned to leave early but panic attacks kept me home until late afternoon when I FORCED myself to just go. We had a good time (considering) and I got things done. It takes me about 3-4 times as long as it should because I freak out over deciding what kind of cereal to buy. After about 4.5 hours, though, I finished and headed home. I felt pretty good. Mission accomplished. The relief was probably part of it- but I felt almost invincible.
And then it happened. I didn't even see it coming. Suddenly, in the short time it took my husband to take a shower, I went from cloud 9 to pure hell. I don't know why. It was like the sky just opened up and showered me with severe depression and almost flashbacks. Millions of thoughts started going through my head. I had a very sunken feeling. I caught myself mumbling that I just want to die. And this is how it has been. I spiral SO quickly! And if something bad really does happen, it will send me to bed for days. Sometimes I go 5-6 days without even eating. The "bright" times are so short anymore that I cannot even enjoy them. My house is a disaster and I am overwhelmed, but I cannot do anything about it. If I even start thinking about cleaning up and organizing it I start throwing up from anxiety. And I figure- what's the point anyways?
My condition is deteriorating- fast. I have all of this anger and sadness smothering me almost all of the time. Thanks for listening.
My "crash" episodes consist of freaking out on everyone, panic attacks, closing myself off in the bedroom for days at a time, consistent crying and extreme suicidal thoughts and attempts. When I was younger, these episodes were typically brought on by something really bad happening and only lasted a few hours. Now, though, things have changed.
I would estimate that 80% of my life is consumed with thoughts of suicide, reliving even the most insignificant events in my life, and fighting the urge to cry. I simply cannot shake this crap. I don't have any friends anymore because I feel embarrassed to let anyone close. I can't talk to anyone because I am tired of reaching out and then feeling guilty, stupid, or like a burden. I can no longer get professional help because I don't have insurance or money to pay. I just feel hopeless and lost.
Last night is a good example of the way things have been lately. I HAD to go into town to buy groceries. Since I can't handle crowds or the confusion at Walmart and have trouble even leaving the house anymore, I asked my adult daughter to tag along. I had planned to leave early but panic attacks kept me home until late afternoon when I FORCED myself to just go. We had a good time (considering) and I got things done. It takes me about 3-4 times as long as it should because I freak out over deciding what kind of cereal to buy. After about 4.5 hours, though, I finished and headed home. I felt pretty good. Mission accomplished. The relief was probably part of it- but I felt almost invincible.
And then it happened. I didn't even see it coming. Suddenly, in the short time it took my husband to take a shower, I went from cloud 9 to pure hell. I don't know why. It was like the sky just opened up and showered me with severe depression and almost flashbacks. Millions of thoughts started going through my head. I had a very sunken feeling. I caught myself mumbling that I just want to die. And this is how it has been. I spiral SO quickly! And if something bad really does happen, it will send me to bed for days. Sometimes I go 5-6 days without even eating. The "bright" times are so short anymore that I cannot even enjoy them. My house is a disaster and I am overwhelmed, but I cannot do anything about it. If I even start thinking about cleaning up and organizing it I start throwing up from anxiety. And I figure- what's the point anyways?
My condition is deteriorating- fast. I have all of this anger and sadness smothering me almost all of the time. Thanks for listening.
