I had a huge science lecture prepared about the neurological side of depression but whats the point. The point is this: one of the things you lose in depression (due to an increase in Monoamine Oxidase A causing a severe drop in the neurotransmitter Dopamine) is your automated "reward" response to good things. When good things happen, you feel good about them, this is obvious and natural, but depressed people dont feel good, they just feel nothing, or worse they feel so bad about feeling nothing that good events actually make them feel worse. I graduated university in 2013, 2 years later than I should have due to depression, and began trying to get a job that I was good at and that I would enjoy and paid at least vaguely well. 3 years later, after more job applications than I can possibly remember and more interviews than most people I have ever met had in their lives and nearly a year of unpaid work for experience I have finally got that job, and what I felt: nothing. I start tomorrow, and all I feel is sick. Not a moment of happiness, I smiled and thanked them but inside the feeling wasn't there, I haven't even bothered to tell anyone because the news just doesn't matter to me; I have driven myself mad for 3 years to achieve this and now that I did, I don't even care, that "woohoo" moment has been taken away from me because my brain is literally incapable of producing the feeling of emotional pleasure at good news. I am on very high dose SSRIs, and they do keep me functioning, but they only help my brain's levels of Serotonin, its Dopamine I need in order to feel good about anything. Seratonin allows me to regulate my own mood again, Dopamine is what I need to feel good about anything, so I may be functioning, but unless I am miserable or stressed I just feel empty. 3 years of hard graft to achieve, (not counting the 5 years I took to pass a mathematics and computing degree whilst severely depressed) and not a moments pleasure taken in achieving it. Here is the ultimate question: What is the point in living if your brain is incapable of producing good feelings about anything? This isn't anything to do with suicide, its just that after all this pain and effort, I don't feel good, but I also don't feel especially terrible, I just feel stressed and tired, which is an improvement on yesterday (unbearably stressed and tired) but ultimately, if that's how I feel, what was the point? and if that's how things are going to go, what's the point in really doing anything? I gain nothing, so why bother?