Hey,
I'm not even sure where to start, since I was around 5 I wished that I was someone else. I had a sad childhood so thinking I was someone who I wasn't would always help me get through the days. I didn't receive love either and was beaten pretty badly, so I don't know how to love or trust myself or other people. I was bullied heavily through out my childhood and teenage years, and now I'm struggling as an adult. I was diagnosed with depression at 13, BPD at 25 I am now in my 30s and I feel like I'm on the edge.
The hate I have for myself is immense, I think I am ugly, unworthy, stupid, disgusting I can go on and on. I've spent most of my life self harming and more recently denying myself of food. I honestly feel like I don't deserve to be here and I am a waste of space. I feel ungrateful and guilty that I have taken up space in the world by being me. I don't look in the mirror as everyday I see something hideous. I feel like there is no hope for me and I will continue to love this way.
I have found myself diving into other cultures and languages secretly wishing I was born again. I hate absolutely everything about myself and will daydream about being someone from another country. I do this all in secret as I feel as it noone will understand me if I tell them. I guess is my identity crisis with my BPD.
I have had countless of therapy sessions but I am always seen as resistant to treatment or untreatable. I have managed to get an appointment again to see a psychiatrist but was told that they might reject me as BPD is not seen as something they treat on the NHS. That's the heath service in the UK.
I think about suicide regularly but only recently has it started to become a regular thing that I would think about and maybe entertaining some sort of a plan. So I joined this site to maybe get some help and talk to people like myself and who have managed to pull through.
This is just a fraction of my life, but I think you get the gist. Thanks for reading if you have managed to get this far.
-Moon Beam
I'm not even sure where to start, since I was around 5 I wished that I was someone else. I had a sad childhood so thinking I was someone who I wasn't would always help me get through the days. I didn't receive love either and was beaten pretty badly, so I don't know how to love or trust myself or other people. I was bullied heavily through out my childhood and teenage years, and now I'm struggling as an adult. I was diagnosed with depression at 13, BPD at 25 I am now in my 30s and I feel like I'm on the edge.
The hate I have for myself is immense, I think I am ugly, unworthy, stupid, disgusting I can go on and on. I've spent most of my life self harming and more recently denying myself of food. I honestly feel like I don't deserve to be here and I am a waste of space. I feel ungrateful and guilty that I have taken up space in the world by being me. I don't look in the mirror as everyday I see something hideous. I feel like there is no hope for me and I will continue to love this way.
I have found myself diving into other cultures and languages secretly wishing I was born again. I hate absolutely everything about myself and will daydream about being someone from another country. I do this all in secret as I feel as it noone will understand me if I tell them. I guess is my identity crisis with my BPD.
I have had countless of therapy sessions but I am always seen as resistant to treatment or untreatable. I have managed to get an appointment again to see a psychiatrist but was told that they might reject me as BPD is not seen as something they treat on the NHS. That's the heath service in the UK.
I think about suicide regularly but only recently has it started to become a regular thing that I would think about and maybe entertaining some sort of a plan. So I joined this site to maybe get some help and talk to people like myself and who have managed to pull through.
This is just a fraction of my life, but I think you get the gist. Thanks for reading if you have managed to get this far.
-Moon Beam