E
So here I am. Banned from SF for 4 days.
I had it coming, definitely. Staff has been really patient with me, even, I guess...
Sigh. I don't know what's gotten into me the last days. The past week I've been so.... not myself. Well I have been myself, but I've been losing my temper extremely quickly, as well as being zoned out/not really there with my mind half the time.
In chat I've always been annoying, I know that, I just can't act normal so it seems. But also there, the last days... Provoking things, arguing, spamming emotes and stuff... Still I can't help but feel like I'm being treated unfair in there. It's like people are plotting against me. Perhaps it's me being overly paranoid (which I've been eversince sf got hacked), but maybe it really is true. Because honestly I feel that whenever I do or say something I get warned/kicked/banned way quicker/easier than others. But then again, even if that indeed is the case, I deserve it so why am I complaining. Sigh. I shouldn't complain, I shouldn't even write this thread. Yet I'm doing it. And why? God knows... lol.
Some of the people here who know me, know that I have this major thing about guilt and being undeserving of anything. They know how much I feel I do not deserve love, support, friendship etc etc. Well the last days it's gotten even worse. I will be honest here: it's one of the reasons why I misbehaved so much in chat the last week. Not entirely, but I was even worse than I actually was, because I noticed it'd get me banned from chat. And since chat is like... well I wouldnt know what to do without it, so I figured, 'get yourself banned from it permanently, it's what you deserve'. Well it didn't work permanently, but I did manage to get banned for the night a few times.
I don't mean to be a pain in the arse to staff or anyone from the forum, I just want everyone to be happy, or at least as happy as can be.
What has been happening to me the past days.. It's really weird. I have always had a lot of anger inside me, can't remember any different. But the last days it's gotten really scary. I try to hold it in, because I know I get in trouble in chat if I don't hold it in. So I try to hold it in, but I then get really really annoying in chat, pushing all the limits and that, logically, results in me being banned from that. Which is when I can't control the anger anymore. So then I end up posting all over Let It All Out and the Coffeehouse, full of rage. My dad and I myself usually being the target of all the rage and anger and vomit of swearings... Sigh.
I'm so sick of myself like this :sad:
I'm so sick of hurting everyone around me :sad:
I'm so sick of hurting myself
What's the point in this damn post? I don't even remember what I started this with.
I had it coming, definitely. Staff has been really patient with me, even, I guess...
Sigh. I don't know what's gotten into me the last days. The past week I've been so.... not myself. Well I have been myself, but I've been losing my temper extremely quickly, as well as being zoned out/not really there with my mind half the time.
In chat I've always been annoying, I know that, I just can't act normal so it seems. But also there, the last days... Provoking things, arguing, spamming emotes and stuff... Still I can't help but feel like I'm being treated unfair in there. It's like people are plotting against me. Perhaps it's me being overly paranoid (which I've been eversince sf got hacked), but maybe it really is true. Because honestly I feel that whenever I do or say something I get warned/kicked/banned way quicker/easier than others. But then again, even if that indeed is the case, I deserve it so why am I complaining. Sigh. I shouldn't complain, I shouldn't even write this thread. Yet I'm doing it. And why? God knows... lol.
Some of the people here who know me, know that I have this major thing about guilt and being undeserving of anything. They know how much I feel I do not deserve love, support, friendship etc etc. Well the last days it's gotten even worse. I will be honest here: it's one of the reasons why I misbehaved so much in chat the last week. Not entirely, but I was even worse than I actually was, because I noticed it'd get me banned from chat. And since chat is like... well I wouldnt know what to do without it, so I figured, 'get yourself banned from it permanently, it's what you deserve'. Well it didn't work permanently, but I did manage to get banned for the night a few times.
I don't mean to be a pain in the arse to staff or anyone from the forum, I just want everyone to be happy, or at least as happy as can be.
What has been happening to me the past days.. It's really weird. I have always had a lot of anger inside me, can't remember any different. But the last days it's gotten really scary. I try to hold it in, because I know I get in trouble in chat if I don't hold it in. So I try to hold it in, but I then get really really annoying in chat, pushing all the limits and that, logically, results in me being banned from that. Which is when I can't control the anger anymore. So then I end up posting all over Let It All Out and the Coffeehouse, full of rage. My dad and I myself usually being the target of all the rage and anger and vomit of swearings... Sigh.
I'm so sick of myself like this :sad:
I'm so sick of hurting everyone around me :sad:
I'm so sick of hurting myself
What's the point in this damn post? I don't even remember what I started this with.
