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- Thread starter Wastingecho
- Start date
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trying but mostly by lying to myself and everyone else
convinced everyone i passed out due to interaction of new dosages of my headache meds - ha ha ha
daughter is suspicious though - emt - she read through all the medical notes that came in the med packaging
son tried to take his a/c out by himself and dropped it out the window
wife broke passenger sideview mirror on the van
she also forgot to pay insurance on the cars so i had to go to the agency 1 day before coverage was going to be canceled
and pay to fix daughters laptop
which left me less money for my car - inspection expired 12/15 - more than $3,000 to fix - 135,000 miles, 3 working doors, 1 working key lock (not driver side), no heat, no a/c, one busted seat belt, 2 working windows (sort of), runs like crap - time to replace
lucked out - found a dealer with a newer taurus sedan with 91,000 miles for under $3,000 in damned good condition, get all the paperwork done, transfer insurance, plates...last night i get a call, they lost the key - without the key they can't finish the inspection and they have to get a new key from ford since it has an antitheft chip in it so i won't be able to get the car until monday which means i won't be able to take a car to the train station to get to work until at least tuesday
even when something looks like it's going right it doesn't go right
and when i showed my wife pictures of the car from the dealers website, told her the deal - got him to knock 200 off the price and since i paid cash he wrote a much lower price for the dmv to save me addt'l sales tax - all she could do was bitch because it wasn't at least a 2000 model
this is all i get when i try - doesn't matter if i'm at work or i'm at home - it's never enough - i'm always falling short, always faliing and i'm sick of it
woke up in tears in the dark
decided to wrap presents
kept knocking things over, tearing the paper, wrapping things wrong, having to start over, trying not to cry on the paper - had to turn my head away because daughter came downstairs to see what all the noise was about
scheduled two weeks off from work in january - family doesn't know yet - bought a plane ticket just for me to go somewhere but now i'm afraid
i know wife is going to be angry but honestly i don't give a damn any more
i don't know if i'm strong enough to get on the plane - i mean am i just being a fool? i can't even muster the strength to take sadeyes up on her offer and i'm going to get on a plane?
but if i don't it's just another failure
and that won't surprise anybody
and that would give me two weeks before my family would worry about looking for me
convinced everyone i passed out due to interaction of new dosages of my headache meds - ha ha ha
daughter is suspicious though - emt - she read through all the medical notes that came in the med packaging
son tried to take his a/c out by himself and dropped it out the window
wife broke passenger sideview mirror on the van
she also forgot to pay insurance on the cars so i had to go to the agency 1 day before coverage was going to be canceled
and pay to fix daughters laptop
which left me less money for my car - inspection expired 12/15 - more than $3,000 to fix - 135,000 miles, 3 working doors, 1 working key lock (not driver side), no heat, no a/c, one busted seat belt, 2 working windows (sort of), runs like crap - time to replace
lucked out - found a dealer with a newer taurus sedan with 91,000 miles for under $3,000 in damned good condition, get all the paperwork done, transfer insurance, plates...last night i get a call, they lost the key - without the key they can't finish the inspection and they have to get a new key from ford since it has an antitheft chip in it so i won't be able to get the car until monday which means i won't be able to take a car to the train station to get to work until at least tuesday
even when something looks like it's going right it doesn't go right
and when i showed my wife pictures of the car from the dealers website, told her the deal - got him to knock 200 off the price and since i paid cash he wrote a much lower price for the dmv to save me addt'l sales tax - all she could do was bitch because it wasn't at least a 2000 model
this is all i get when i try - doesn't matter if i'm at work or i'm at home - it's never enough - i'm always falling short, always faliing and i'm sick of it
woke up in tears in the dark
decided to wrap presents
kept knocking things over, tearing the paper, wrapping things wrong, having to start over, trying not to cry on the paper - had to turn my head away because daughter came downstairs to see what all the noise was about
scheduled two weeks off from work in january - family doesn't know yet - bought a plane ticket just for me to go somewhere but now i'm afraid
i know wife is going to be angry but honestly i don't give a damn any more
i don't know if i'm strong enough to get on the plane - i mean am i just being a fool? i can't even muster the strength to take sadeyes up on her offer and i'm going to get on a plane?
but if i don't it's just another failure
and that won't surprise anybody
and that would give me two weeks before my family would worry about looking for me
Hope You got your car okay now all the little thing add up i understand but they are not important YOU are important look at all you did without YOU Your family would be loss. Your daughter your son love you and you love them hold on to them okay please get in to get all these distorted thoughts corrected changed so you can live a more peaceful happier life.
the plane trip was to take someone else up on an offer to get away from here and just rest away from home, away from my job - been talking to this person for almost a year now
but never actually met them in person yet and now i'm afraid i won't fit in or that i'll freak and i may as well just get in my new car and just drive somewhere private with my stash - worst case just block up the exhaust
been up since 3, first words out of my mouth were "i need to die"
sitting here with my laptop in the dark - don't want the lights on
just spent an hour in the shower because it's the best place to have a breakdown
keep thinking about my father - died at 54 - was born on christmas - was a supervisor at the state mental hospital - the therapist i was "assisgned" at the outpatient clinic after my first hospitalization used to work for him
can't hold a single line of thought in my head for more than a few minutes
don't know when everyone else will be up, but it should be soon, christmas and all
worried sick about kali
would trade my life in a heartbeat if i could help her
what i wouldn't give to have just one day without tears
the only way to have that is to have a day without breath
won't ruin christmas for my family that way but my head is spinning about monday
i can't take more time off and i just know everyone's going to be looking at me and i don't want their pity
my throat is so tight i don't trust myself to speak
i'm heartsick
took my daughter to see my son's psych yesterday - she asked for an appt, she has no trouble talking to him
she talked to him about me - he asked me why i didn't trust him - i wanted to die right there
he used to be my psych - assigned by my company - and we didn't mesh and he didn't remember me and couldn't even find his notes about me when he started seeing my son
i couldn't talk to him then, don't talk to him now - why would he think some miracle had occurred?
my head is killing me - all the meds they've given me only do so much to reduce the frequency of the headaches but not the severity
and all the meds they've given me for the severity have been useless because he keeps treating them like migraines even though i've been repeatedly telling him that they do not behave or react like migraines - the only other med left that he has prescribed i don't want to take right now because it will mess up my day completely since it is a narcotic - i've managed to work on doses of tylenol #3 before (barely) - but this is tylenol #4 which has twice as much codeine
besides i can save those and put them to better use
but never actually met them in person yet and now i'm afraid i won't fit in or that i'll freak and i may as well just get in my new car and just drive somewhere private with my stash - worst case just block up the exhaust
been up since 3, first words out of my mouth were "i need to die"
sitting here with my laptop in the dark - don't want the lights on
just spent an hour in the shower because it's the best place to have a breakdown
keep thinking about my father - died at 54 - was born on christmas - was a supervisor at the state mental hospital - the therapist i was "assisgned" at the outpatient clinic after my first hospitalization used to work for him
can't hold a single line of thought in my head for more than a few minutes
don't know when everyone else will be up, but it should be soon, christmas and all
worried sick about kali
would trade my life in a heartbeat if i could help her
what i wouldn't give to have just one day without tears
the only way to have that is to have a day without breath
won't ruin christmas for my family that way but my head is spinning about monday
i can't take more time off and i just know everyone's going to be looking at me and i don't want their pity
my throat is so tight i don't trust myself to speak
i'm heartsick
took my daughter to see my son's psych yesterday - she asked for an appt, she has no trouble talking to him
she talked to him about me - he asked me why i didn't trust him - i wanted to die right there
he used to be my psych - assigned by my company - and we didn't mesh and he didn't remember me and couldn't even find his notes about me when he started seeing my son
i couldn't talk to him then, don't talk to him now - why would he think some miracle had occurred?
my head is killing me - all the meds they've given me only do so much to reduce the frequency of the headaches but not the severity
and all the meds they've given me for the severity have been useless because he keeps treating them like migraines even though i've been repeatedly telling him that they do not behave or react like migraines - the only other med left that he has prescribed i don't want to take right now because it will mess up my day completely since it is a narcotic - i've managed to work on doses of tylenol #3 before (barely) - but this is tylenol #4 which has twice as much codeine
besides i can save those and put them to better use
literally trapped in the house - blizzard has everything shut down - all trains suspended - driving impossible
as much as i hate going in to work i could hide in the bathroom or call in sick and lose myself in the city - can't even lock myself in a room and say i'm working from home because my oh-so-considersate-back-stabbing-boss took my laptop out of my backpack when they took me home last week so i wouldn't feel pressured to work - despite the fact that he's the one who put me on the meet-the-deadline-get-fired program
christmas is over and i should really be used to getting generic we-know-you-live-here-so-we-got-you-something gifts - generic tools, gift cards, desk caddys
but the one that really hurt was the pajamas
i started a tradition when the kids were small - every year everyone in the family would get one present to open on christmas eve and they would be new christmas pajamas - everyone in the entire family
the last few years it's been hard trying to find them since the girls are a lot older but this year my wife was excited because she said she found some and got them early - i thought "great"
christmas eve and everyone gets new holiday pajamas - daughters, son, wife
guess who didn't
so in addition to gifts that say we don't know you i get left out of the family tradition that i started
i really don't matter - the sooner i'm gone the better and they'll all get over it with barely a blip
as much as i hate going in to work i could hide in the bathroom or call in sick and lose myself in the city - can't even lock myself in a room and say i'm working from home because my oh-so-considersate-back-stabbing-boss took my laptop out of my backpack when they took me home last week so i wouldn't feel pressured to work - despite the fact that he's the one who put me on the meet-the-deadline-get-fired program
christmas is over and i should really be used to getting generic we-know-you-live-here-so-we-got-you-something gifts - generic tools, gift cards, desk caddys
but the one that really hurt was the pajamas
i started a tradition when the kids were small - every year everyone in the family would get one present to open on christmas eve and they would be new christmas pajamas - everyone in the entire family
the last few years it's been hard trying to find them since the girls are a lot older but this year my wife was excited because she said she found some and got them early - i thought "great"
christmas eve and everyone gets new holiday pajamas - daughters, son, wife
guess who didn't
so in addition to gifts that say we don't know you i get left out of the family tradition that i started
i really don't matter - the sooner i'm gone the better and they'll all get over it with barely a blip
Echo, i can say enough how this is depression talking to you, how depression brings donw one's selfesteem below zero point. do you realy believe that you do not matter ? no serious, do you actually believe that ? i have felt the same when my depression was at its worst, but i am now able to see that others did not think of me the way i thought they did. you do matter, you just cant see it because you are to buisy finding the negative things about yourself
Echo, you are not useless. You are sick with depression. It does things to your brain that are totally beyond your control, and that doesn't make you useless, it doesn't make you weak. It makes you sick. You don't tell a person with the flu they're weak or useless because they're sick, you don't blame them for being sick. They are still beautiful humans, trying as much as they can to get through their illness so they can continue. Your family needs you, Echo. Please try to remember that: you are not useless. You have a family. No one who has the love of their family is useless or unwanted. You can't see it through the fog that depression puts one in right now, that depression is debilitating, but they love you and they need you. Please don't leave them and please don't leave US. We want you here too.
i tried
i tried to go back to work today
3 hours - long train ride, delays, cramped PATH train to NJ
stopped me in the cold lobby - kept me standing for over an hour even though i had a note from my doctor saying i was good to come back
said note wasn't good enough because it didn't have a specific date on it - had to coordinate with my specific HR person - who wasn't in today - and my mgr who took my laptop - told me i would be paid for the day then escorted me out
on the train last train home right now feeling like absolute shit - why didn't they tell me all of this before? why didn't my mgr?
it's because they don't give a damn - they don't really want me there
i'm not important
i want to die right this fucking second
used car guy called to say the lot was cleared of snow and i could pick up the car today - maybe i can take the car and just disappear with my little bottles -
i tried to go back to work today
3 hours - long train ride, delays, cramped PATH train to NJ
stopped me in the cold lobby - kept me standing for over an hour even though i had a note from my doctor saying i was good to come back
said note wasn't good enough because it didn't have a specific date on it - had to coordinate with my specific HR person - who wasn't in today - and my mgr who took my laptop - told me i would be paid for the day then escorted me out
on the train last train home right now feeling like absolute shit - why didn't they tell me all of this before? why didn't my mgr?
it's because they don't give a damn - they don't really want me there
i'm not important
i want to die right this fucking second
used car guy called to say the lot was cleared of snow and i could pick up the car today - maybe i can take the car and just disappear with my little bottles -
I am so sorry to hear you are feeling so low :hugtackles: Feeling useless is very common when suffering with depression you may not have realised just yet, but you are not useless the world is so big there is so much to see and do it would be awful and devistateing if you where to leave. You are not alone keep strong keep fighting your battles. We are hear to support you :hugtackles:
You have so many friends on here who are willing to help and support you, please stay strong :hug:
You have so many friends on here who are willing to help and support you, please stay strong :hug:
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