A brakedown

[IDontWantToDie]

That's it, I can't take this anymore. I have become a mom to him. Cleaning everything after him, cooking for him, doing the laundry, dressing him, and making sure he has dry socks with him just because he refuses to look stupid in snow boots. Crying over all the money he spends, crying because he doesn't pay the bills and we're in debt, stressing because he gambles all the money down the drain, meanwhile, he just sits there hungover drinking beer and shoving sweets down his throat and playing PlayStation. HOW THE HELL DID I END UP WITH THIS MAN??? This is not how he was in the beginning... His fat ass is just using me... but he comes home and tells me I'm beautiful and that he loves me, buys me a flower once a year, calms me while I'm depressed, and stays with me throughout the times when I hear voices and am suffering form delusions... and that is enough for me... I'm pathetic. He says he does everything for me... but the truth is he's doing it for himself. He's working overtime for himself. He used to atleast do the cooking, but that was just because he was hungry. He used to go to the gym with me but he did it only for himself. He tolerates my mood swings but only because his ex is a fcking psycho and a monster, my mood swings are nothing in comparison with her crazy ass. He's just desensitized...

...and I will never leave him because I love him for some reason, and if I leave, he will drink himself into a coma. If something happens I will be left to deal with his ex and their 12 cats that live with us. Yes 12... she also has 12. They have this cat shelter thing., but really shes just a cat-hoarding alcoholic. And If I leave and he can't take care of the cats anymore, they will have to be put to sleep, and it will be my fault. If I leave, he will end up on the street... the cats will end up on the street, hell be dead without me... and I have nothing else going on... so I guess this is my life now. Being a mother to a grown-ass lazy man. I feel trapped. Used. And I hate myself...
there was a reason I was born hating romantic relationships, it was so that I wouldn't end up like this. But I did. I failed myself. I want to not be anymore. Life is over.. Over... game over. My hands are literally shaking as I write this. I feel like rock bottom... and above it all no one is hiring me. like wtf... wtf had I done with my life

I'm getting really unstable and I will be alone all day until 10 pm. I'm afraid I won't handle it.

 

[Widowedvegan]

That's it, I can't take this anymore. I have become a mom to him. Cleaning everything after him, cooking for him, doing the laundry, dressing him, and making sure he has dry socks with him just because he refuses to look stupid in snow boots. Crying over all the money he spends, crying because he doesn't pay the bills and we're in debt, stressing because he gambles all the money down the drain, meanwhile, he just sits there hungover drinking beer and shoving sweets down his throat and playing PlayStation. HOW THE HELL DID I END UP WITH THIS MAN??? This is not how he was in the beginning... His fat ass is just using me... but he comes home and tells me I'm beautiful and that he loves me, buys me a flower once a year, calms me while I'm depressed, and stays with me throughout the times when I hear voices and am suffering form delusions... and that is enough for me... I'm pathetic. He says he does everything for me... but the truth is he's doing it for himself. He's working overtime for himself. He used to atleast do the cooking, but that was just because he was hungry. He used to go to the gym with me but he did it only for himself. He tolerates my mood swings but only because his ex is a fcking psycho and a monster, my mood swings are nothing in comparison with her crazy ass. He's just desensitized...

...and I will never leave him because I love him for some reason, and if I leave, he will drink himself into a coma. If something happens I will be left to deal with his ex and their 12 cats that live with us. Yes 12... she also has 12. They have this cat shelter thing., but really shes just a cat-hoarding alcoholic. And If I leave and he can't take care of the cats anymore, they will have to be put to sleep, and it will be my fault. If I leave, he will end up on the street... the cats will end up on the street, hell be dead without me... and I have nothing else going on... so I guess this is my life now. Being a mother to a grown-ass lazy man. I feel trapped. Used. And I hate myself...
there was a reason I was born hating romantic relationships, it was so that I wouldn't end up like this. But I did. I failed myself. I want to not be anymore. Life is over.. Over... game over. My hands are literally shaking as I write this. I feel like rock bottom... and above it all no one is hiring me. like wtf... wtf had I done with my life

I'm getting really unstable and I will be alone all day until 10 pm. I'm afraid I won't handle it.

My heart goes out to you @IDontWantToDie …
This sounds like a truly desperate situation, I just want you to know that I care…
Keep reaching out here and to any other resources that you may have so that you are not so alone all day…

 

[Survivorist]

I am not judging, ok? But when I read your story I have the bad feeling that you suffer for others. This situation leads nowhere. You said so. I hope that you find the strength to change your life. I do not know if its possible but if I were you - I would disappear for a while and rest, think, search help - and start new or at least decide. This continues I fear you go under.

I wish you power. Big Hug.

 

[IDontWantToDie]

I am not judging, ok? But when I read your story I have the bad feeling that you suffer for others. This situation leads nowhere. You said so. I hope that you find the strength to change your life. I do not know if its possible but if I were you - I would disappear for a while and rest, think, search help - and start new or at least decide. This continues I fear you go under.

I wish you power. Big Hug.

Thank you for helping. Yeah... that is the case, I often put others first. I hate it. I wish I had more strength to set boundaries and stuff... I think I need a long conversation with him, sadly It never leads anywhere... I somehow calmed down a bit.
Hug*

 

[IDontWantToDie]

My heart goes out to you @IDontWantToDie …
This sounds like a truly desperate situation, I just want you to know that I care…
Keep reaching out here and to any other resources that you may have so that you are not so alone all day…

I calmed down a bit. Writing here really helps, even tho I know I often make myself look like a fool. Getting all the frustration out for the people to see somehow really helps. It's not how I am in real life.
Earlier I was scared for myself, I actually did self harm a little, maybe that also helped, but at least I feel safe now.
Thank you for being around and helping
Hug*

 

[Widowedvegan]

I calmed down a bit. Writing here really helps, even tho I know I often make myself look like a fool. Getting all the frustration out for the people to see somehow really helps. It's not how I am in real life.
Earlier I was scared for myself, I actually did self harm a little, maybe that also helped, but at least I feel safe now.
Thank you for being around and helping
Hug*

You do Not look like a fool!
I see you as someone who is trying to make the best out of a Very difficult situation…
Thanks for letting us know that you are feeling safe now…

 

[Innocent Forever]

(((Hugs)))

 

[KM76710]

I calmed down a bit. Writing here really helps, even tho I know I often make myself look like a fool. Getting all the frustration out for the people to see somehow really helps. It's not how I am in real life.
Earlier I was scared for myself, I actually did self harm a little, maybe that also helped, but at least I feel safe now.
Thank you for being around and helping
Hug*

Not and never a fool to us here paying attention. There is the place to share with people wanting well and good for you.

 

[Marga]

Oh this is as if I wrote it myself. Not that I would be in exactly the same situation...but the attitude. I was for a very long time in a relationship that was not ok, not as bad as your man, but still not ok. And I stayed also saying myself what would he do without me. In the end I made a certain mistake and then he left me actually. Even saying that I didn't do much for him. And we just broke up recently and because of that I am left in a very difficult situation. I won't go into detail. But I would just say - put yourself first, not others. If this is not a good relationship for you (and it doesnt look like it indeed), think about yourself and leave if you can. Otherwise you will end paying dearly for it and maybe will even be blamed it was your fault.

 

[IDontWantToDie]

Oh this is as if I wrote it myself. Not that I would be in exactly the same situation...but the attitude. I was for a very long time in a relationship that was not ok, not as bad as your man, but still not ok. And I stayed also saying myself what would he do without me. In the end I made a certain mistake and then he left me actually. Even saying that I didn't do much for him. And we just broke up recently and because of that I am left in a very difficult situation. I won't go into detail. But I would just say - put yourself first, not others. If this is not a good relationship for you (and it doesnt look like it indeed), think about yourself and leave if you can. Otherwise you will end paying dearly for it and maybe will even be blamed it was your fault.

Owww hugs, I'm sorry you had to experience that
I know... In reality, I can leave when want... there is always a choice, none of us are responsible for other people's mistakes.
I guess, now that I calmed down, I sort of feel bad about this post. I make it look much worse and pull things out of context. I was recently told that I'm borderline, I guess this is just me demonizing my favorite person.
But I get what you are saying, and I agree 100%...
Strength and love to us, we can get through these tough times. Life is crazy but it works out in the end, don't lose hope <3