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A Chuckle A Day Keeps The Plandemic Away

Finding Jesus

A man is stumbling through the woods totally drunk when he comes upon a preacherman who is in the middle of baptising people in the river. As the drunk walks into the water, he bumps into the preacher, who when turning round is almost overcome by the smell of booze. Undeterred by this, he asks the drunk: ‘Are you ready to find Jesus?’

‘Yes I am,’ replies the drunk. So the preacher grabs him and dunks him in the river. When he pulls the drunk up, he asks him? ‘Brother have you found Jesus?’

The drunk replies: ‘No, I haven't.’ The preacher is shocked at this answer. So he dunks the drunk once more into the water, but this time holds him down a bit longer. When he pulls the drunk out of the water, he asks again: ‘Have you found Jesus, my brother?’

‘No,’ says the drunk, ‘I have not found him.’

By now the preacher is at his wits end. So he dunks the drunk into the water again, but this time holds him down a bit longer still.

When the man begins kicking his arms and legs, the preacher pulls him up and again asks: ‘For the love of God, have you found Jesus?’

Wiping his eyes and catching his breath, the drunk replies: ‘Are you sure this is where he fell in?’

Created by Anon.
Edited by Aquarius

* * *​
From The Mouths Of Children

1. A nursery school pupil told his teacher that he had found a cat that was dead. ’ How do you know it was dead?’ the lady replied. ‘Well, I p***ed in its ear and it didn’t move,’ said the child. ‘You did WHAT?’ the teacher exclaimed in surprise. ’ You know,’ explained the boy, ‘ I leaned over and went ‘ Pssst’ and it didn’t move’

2. A small boy is sent to bed by his father. Five minutes later. . . . . . ’ Da-ad. . . . ’ ‘ What?’ ‘I’m thirsty. Can you bring me a drink of water?’ ‘ No, You’ve had your chance. Lights out. ’ Five minutes later: ‘ Da-aaaad. . . . . ’ ‘WHAT?’ ‘ I’m THIRSTY. Can I have a drink of water??’ ‘ I told you NO! If you ask again, I’ll have to smack you!!’ Five minutes later. . . . . . ’ Daaaa-aaaad. . . . . ’ ‘ WHAT!’ ‘ When you come to smack me, can you bring a drink of water?’

3. An exasperated mother, whose son was always getting into mischief, finally asked him ‘ How do you expect to get into Heaven?’ The boy thought it over and said: ‘ I’ll just run in and out and in and out and keep slamming the door until St. Peter says, ‘ For Heaven’s sake, Dylan, come in or stay out!’ ‘

4. One summer’s evening during a violent thunderstorm a mother was tucking her son into bed. She was about to turn off the light when he asked with a tremor in his voice, ‘Mummy, will you sleep with me tonight?’ The mother smiled and gave him a reassuring hug. ’ I can’t dear,’ she said. ‘ I have to sleep in Daddy’ s room. ’ A long silence was broken at last by his shaky little voice: ‘The big sissy. ’

5. It was that time, during the Sunday morning service, for the children’ s sermon. All the children were invited to come forward. One little girl was wearing a particularly pretty dress and, as she sat down, the minister leaned over and said,’ That is a very pretty dress. Is it your Easter Dress?’ The little girl replied, directly into the minister’s clip-on microphone: ‘Yes, and my Mum says it’ s a bitch to iron. ’

6. When I was six months pregnant with my third child, my three year old came into the room when I was getting ready to get into the shower. She said: ‘Mummy, you are getting fat!’ I replied, ‘That’s because a baby is growing in my tummy.’ ‘I know,’ the child replied, ‘but what’s growing in your bum?’

7. A little boy was doing his maths homework. He said to himself, ‘ Two plus five, that son of a bitch is seven. Three plus six, that son of a bitch is nine. . . . ’ His mother had been listening and said: ‘ What are you doing?’ The little boy answered: ‘ I’ m doing my math homework, Mum.’ ‘And this is how your teacher taught you to do it?’ the mother asked? ‘Yes,’ said the boy. The mother decided the time had come for having a word with the teacher. So she went the next day: ‘What are you teaching my son in math?’ The teacher replied: ‘Right now, we are learning addition. ’ The mother said: ‘Are you teaching them to say two plus two, that son of a bitch is four?’ When the teacher had stopped laughing, she said: ‘What I taught them was that two plus two, THE SUM OF WHICH, is four. ’

8. One day a first grade teacher was reading the story of Chicken Little to her class. She came to the part of the story where Chicken Little tried to warn the farmer. She read: ‘. . . and so Chicken Little went up to the farmer and said: ‘ The sky is falling, the sky is falling!’ Pausing for a moment, the teacher asked the class: ‘And what do you think the farmer said?’ One little girl raised her hand and replied: ‘I think he said:’ Holy sh*t! A talking chicken!’ The teacher had to stop teaching for ten minutes.

9. Another little girl, when asked her name, usually replied: ‘I’m Mr. Sugarbrown’s daughter.’ Her mother told her that this was wrong and she should say: ‘I’m Jane Sugarbrown. ’ When the Vicar spoke to the girl in Sunday School, he asked: ‘Aren’t you Mr. Sugarbrown’s daughter?’ The girl replied: ‘ I thought I was, but mother says I’m not.’

10. Yet another little girl asked her mother: ‘Can I go outside and play with the boys?’ ‘No,’ replied the mother, ‘you can’t play with the boys, they’re too rough.’ Thinking about it for a few moments, the girl came back with: ‘But if I find a smooth one, can I play with him?’

Created by Anon.
Edited by Aquarius

* * *​
The Princess And The Frog
Once upon a time, in a land far away, a beautiful, independent, self assured princess happened upon a frog, as she sat contemplating ecological issues on the shores of an unpolluted pond in a verdant meadow near her castle.

The frog hopped into the Princess’ lap and said: ‘Sweet Lady, I was once a handsome Prince, until an evil witch cast a spell upon me. One kiss from you, however, and I will turn back into the dapper, young Prince that I am and then, my sweet, we can marry and set up housekeeping in yon castle, where you can prepare my meals, clean my clothes, bear my children and forever feel grateful and happy doing so.’

That night, while enjoying a repast of lightly sautéed frog’s legs, the princess chuckled to herself and thought: ‘I don’t bloomin’ well think so!’

From ‘I Don’t Know How She Does It’

By Allison Pearson
Edited by Aquarius

* * *​
The Trip To Rome

A woman was getting her hair styled for a trip to Rome with her husband. She mentioned the trip to the hairdresser, who responded: ‘Rome? Why would anyone want to go there? It’s crowded and dirty. You’re crazy to go to Rome. How are you getting there?’

‘We’re taking Continental,’ was the reply. ‘We got a great rate!’

‘Continental?’ exclaimed the hairdresser. ‘That’s a terrible airline. Their planes are old, their flight attendants are ugly and they’re always late. Where will you be staying in Rome?’

‘We’ll be at this exclusive little place over on Rome’s Tiber River called Teste.’

‘Don’t go any further. I know that place. Everybody thinks its something special and exclusive, but it’s really a dump.’

‘We’re going to go to see the Vatican and maybe get to see the Pope.’

‘That’s rich,’ laughed the hairdresser. ‘You and a million other people trying to see him. He’ll look the size of an ant. Good luck on this trip of yours. You’re going to need it.’

A month later, the woman came for another hairdo. The hairdresser asked her about her trip to Rome . ‘It was wonderful,’ she explained, ‘not only were we on time in one of Continental’s brand new planes, but it was overbooked, and they moved us into first class. The food and wine were wonderful and I had a handsome twenty-eight year old flight attendant who waited on me hand and foot. The hotel was great! They’d just finished a five million dollar remodelling job, and now it’s a jewel, the finest hotel in the city. They, too, were overbooked, so they apologised and gave us their owner’s suite at no extra charge!’

‘Well,’ muttered the hairdresser, ‘that’s all well and good, but I bet you didn’t get to see the Pope.’

‘Actually, we were quite lucky, because on a tour through the Vatican a Swiss Guard tapped me on the shoulder and told me the Pope would like to meet some of the visitors. If I’d be so kind as to step into his private room and wait, the Pope would personally greet me. Sure enough, five minutes later, he walked in and shook my hand! As I knelt down, he just spoke a few words to me.’

‘Oh, really! What did he say?’

‘After blessing me he said: ‘Who messed up your hair like this?’’

Created by Anon.
Edited by Aquarius

* * *
The Advantages Of Being A Bear

In my present lifetime I’m a woman. In my next one I would like to be a bear. Let me tell you why:

When you’re a bear, you hibernate during the winter months and do nothing but sleep for up to six months. I could deal with that.

Before you hibernate, you’re supposed to eat yourself stupid. I could deal with that, too.

When you’re a girl bear, you give birth to children, each one the size of a walnut, while you’re sleeping and upon waking up they have already grown into cute cuddly cubs. I could certainly deal with that.

Besides, if you’re a mother bear, everyone knows you mean business. You swat those who bother your cubs, including their father, your mate. If your cubs get out of line, you swat them too. I could deal with that.

If you’re a bear, your mate expects you to wake up growling and that you have hairy legs as well as excess body fat.

Oh yes, I am definitely going to be a bear!

Created by Anon.
Edited by Aquarius

* * *​
Olympic Games in London 2012

It’s the year 2012 and the Olympic Games in London are in full swing. One fine day, three friends by the name of Smith, Brown and Jones are dying to get into the stadium, in spite of the fact that they cannot afford to buy tickets.

Refusing to be stuck for a solution, Smith picks up a manhole-cover, tucks it under his arm, walks to the gate and says: ‘Smith, United Kingdom, discus.’ The man at the checkpoint waves him in.

Brown picks up a length of scaffolding, slings it over his shoulder, marches to the gate and says: ‘Brown, United Kingdom, pole vaulting.’ He too is waved in.

‘Ah,’ Jones thinks to himself. Looking around, he spots a roll of barbed wire. He picks it up, tucks it under his arm, walks up to the gate and says: ‘Jones, United Kingdom, fencing.’

Created by Anon.
Edited by Aquarius

* * *​
The Zebra

A man walks into a psychiatrist’s office with the complaint: ‘Doctor, I think I’m going crazy. I keep imagining I am a zebra. Each time I look at myself in the mirror I see my entire body covered with black stripes.’

‘Calm down. You are not a zebra,’ the doctor reassures the man. Go home, take these pills and get a good night’s rest. I’m sure the black stripes will disappear.’

The man does as he is told, but the next day he is back. ‘Doctor,’ he says, ‘the black stripes have disappeared. I feel great! Now, have you anything for the white stripes?’

Created by Anon.
Edited by Aquarius

* * *​
A Hairy Bikers’ Tale

Five hairy bikers went into a bar where a lone small man was peacefully eating a pie and having a drink. They pestered the chap for a while and finally their leader put out a cigarette in the poor fellow’s nearly full glass. The man got up and walked out without saying a word. After convulsing themselves with laughter, the bikers ordered lagers and the leader grinned at the barman: ‘Not much of a fighter, that one, eh?’ ‘No,’ replied the barman. ‘Not much of a driver, either. He’s just backed a forty-tonner over your bikes.’

Created by Anon.
Edited by Aquarius

* * *​
Alligators in the Pool

A CEO, Chief Executive Officer, is throwing a party and takes his executives on a tour of his opulent mansion, at the back of which is the largest swimming pool his visitors have ever seen. To their amazement, it is filled with hungry looking alligators.

The host says to his guests: ‘In my view, executives should be measured by the degree of their courage. That’s what once made me into a CEO. My challenge is if any one of you has enough courage to dive into the pool, swim through those alligators and make it to the other side, I will give them anything they desire - my job, my money, my house, anything!’

Everyone laughs at this outrageous offer and follows the CEO on the tour of his estate. Suddenly, a loud splash can be heard. Everyone turns round and sees the CFO, the Chief Financial Officer, in the pool. Swimming for his life, he dodges the alligators left and right and makes it to the edge of the pool. Just as he is pulling himself out of the water, one of the creatures snaps at his shoes.

The flabbergasted CEO approaches the CFO and says: ‘You are amazing. I’ve never seen anything like it in my life. You are brave beyond measure and you may now have anything I own. Tell me what I can do for you and it will be done.’

The CFO, panting for breath, looks up and says: ‘Just one thing, that’s all. Tell me who the hell pushed me into the pool!’

Created by Anon.
Edited by Aquarius

* * *​
The Art Collector

A New York attorney represented a wealthy art collector. One day he phoned his client and said: ‘Saul, I have some good and some bad news for you.’

The art collector replied: ‘As I’ve had a pretty lousy day, Jack, let’s hear the good news first.’

‘Okay,’ replied the lawyer. ‘I met your wife today and she told me that she has invested only $5,000 in two very nice pictures that she thinks will bring somewhere between $15 and $20 million. I believe she could be right.’

Saul’s enthusiastic response was: ‘I always knew my wife was a good business woman. You’ve just made my day, so let’s have the bad news. What is it?’

The lawyer replied: ‘Well, how can I put this? The pictures are of you and your secretary.’

Created by Anon.
Edited by Aquarius

* * *​

Understanding Engineers

Two engineering students were walking across a university campus when one said: ‘Where did you get such a great bike?’

The other one replied: ‘Well, I was walking along yesterday, minding my own business, when a beautiful woman came riding on this bike, threw it to the ground, took off all her clothes and said: ‘Take what you want.’

Nodding approvingly, the first student responded with: ‘Good choice! The clothes probably wouldn’t have fitted you anyway.’

To the optimist, the glass is half-full.
To the pessimist, the glass is half-empty.
To the engineer, the glass is twice as big as it needs to be.

A priest, a doctor and an engineer were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers. The engineer fumed: ‘What’s the matter with those chaps? We must have been waiting for fifteen minutes!’

The doctor chimed in: ‘I don’t know, but I’ve never seen such inept players!’

The priest remarked: ‘Here comes the green-keeper. Let’s have a word with him.’ And turning to him, he said: ‘Hello George, what’s wrong with that group ahead of us? They’re rather slow, aren’t they?’

‘Oh, yes,’ the green-keeper replied. ‘That’s a group of blind firemen. They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we let them play free of charge at any time.’

The group fell silent for a moment. Then the priest said: ‘That’s so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight.’

The doctor said: ‘Good idea. I’m going to contact my ophthalmologist colleague and see if there’s anything he can do for them.’

And the engineer added to that: ‘Why don’t they play at night?’

What is the difference between mechanical engineers and civil engineers?
Mechanical engineers build weapons. Civil engineers build targets.
Sad, but true!

A graduate with a science degree asks: ‘Why does it work?’

A person with an engineering degree asks: ‘How does it work?’

Yet another one who has an accounting degree asks: ‘How much does it cost?’

Three engineering students were discussing who might have designed the human body. The first one said: ‘It was a mechanical engineer. Just look at all the joints.’

The second one replied: ‘No, it was an electrical engineer. The nervous system has many thousands electrical connections.’

‘Ah,’ the third one suggested after a moment’s pause: ‘I think it must have been a civil engineer. Who else would run a waste pipeline through a recreational area?’

Ordinary folks think that if something isn’t broken one doesn’t fix it.

Engineers, however, believe that if something isn’t broken, it may not yet have enough features.

One day an engineer was crossing a road, when a frog called out to him: ‘If you kiss me, I’ll turn into a beautiful princess.’

Bending over, the man picked up the frog and without saying a word put it in his pocket. The frog cried: ‘If you kiss me and turn me into a princess, I’ll stay with you for one week and do anything you want.’

The engineer took the frog out, smiled at it and put it back into his pocket. ‘What’s the matter?’ asked the frog. I’ve told you I’m a beautiful princess and that I’ll stay with you for one week and do anything you want. Why won’t you kiss me?’

‘Look here,’ replied the man, ‘I’m an engineer. I don’t have time for a girlfriend, but a talking frog, that’s really cool. I’m going to keep you.’

Created by Anon.
Edited by Aquarius

* * *​
Notes Left In Milk Bottles

From the days when there was still door-to-door milk delivery.
After reading these it’s not hard to see why this service just had to die a natural death.

Dear Mr. Milkman,

• I’ve just had a baby, please leave another one.

• Please leave an extra pint of paralysed milk.

• Cancel one pint after the day after today.

• Please don’t leave any more milk. All they do is drink it.

• Milkman, please close the gate behind you, because the birds keep pecking the tops off the milk.

• Milkman, please could I have a loaf but not bread today.

• Please cancel milk. I have nothing coming into the house but two sons on the dole.

• Sorry not to have paid your bill before, but my wife had a baby and I’ve been carrying it around in my pocket for weeks.

• Sorry about yesterday’s note. I didn’t mean one egg and a dozen pints, but the other way round.

• When you leave my milk please knock on my bedroom window and wake me, because I want you to give me a hand with turning the mattress.

• Please knock. My TV’s broken down and I missed last night’s Coronation Street . If you saw it, will you tell me what happened over a cup of tea?

• My daughter says she wants a milkshake. Do you do it before you deliver or do I have to shake the bottle myself?

• Please send me a form for cheap milk, for I have a baby two months old and did not know about it until a neighbour told me.

• Please send me details about cheap milk as I am stagnant.

• Milk is needed for the baby. Father is unable to supply it.

• From now on please leave two pints every other day and one pint on the days in between, except Wednesdays and Saturdays when I don’t want any milk.

• My back door is open. Please put milk in the fridge, get money out of cup in drawer and leave change on kitchen table in pence, because I want to play bingo tonight.

• Please leave no milk today. When I say today, I mean tomorrow, for I wrote this note yesterday.

• When you leave the milk please put coal on the boiler, let the dog out and put the newspaper inside the screen door. P.S. Don’t leave any milk.

• No milk. Please do not leave milk at No. 14 either as he is dead until further notice.

Created by Anon.
Edited by Aquarius

* * *
A Speedy Nag

A woman visited a psychiatrist and begged: ‘You’ve got to help me, Doctor. My husband thinks he’s a racehorse. He neighs, sleeps on straw and even eats grain!’

‘That surely is a new one,’ responded the psychiatrist, stifling a snicker. ‘Nonetheless, I should be able to help him, but I have to warn you – it’s going to be very costly!’

‘Oh, money isn’t an issue,’ replied the frustrated wife. ‘He’s already won two races.’

Created by Anon.
Edited by Aquarius

* * *
The Traffic Warden’s Funeral

When the coffin was lowered into the ground at a Traffic Warden’s funeral, a voice could be heard from inside the casket that screamed: ‘I’m not dead! I’m not dead! Let me out!’

Smilingly the Vicar leaned forward and muttered: ‘Too late pal, I’ve already done the paperwork.’

Created by Anon.
Edited by Aquarius

* * *​
The Hearing Test

A couple had been married forty years when the husband became so concerned about his wife’s wellbeing that he decided to discuss the matter with their doctor. He said: ‘Doctor, I am really worried about my wife’s hearing. She does not seem to hear me when I call her! What can I do?’

The doctor told the man that he himself could conduct an informal hearing test as follows: first call her from far away and see if she answers. If she does not, call her from a little nearer. Each time she does not respond, try the same from a bit closer. Once you get a response from her, note the distance and report back to me so that we can discuss her possible needs for a hearing aid.

No sooner said than done! The following day the husband got to work. First he called his wife from the basement of their house: ‘What’s for dinner, dear?’ No response. He went up the stairs a bit and repeated his question. No response. From the top of the stairs he called again. No response. From a few rooms away from the kitchen he tried once more. No response. From the room next to it the same happened. Finally he stood at the kitchen door and asked. His wife turned towards him and shouted: ‘For the sixth time, we are having veggie burgers, mashed potatoes and green beans!’

Created by Anon.
Edited by Aquarius

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