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A Chuckle A Day Keeps The Plandemic Away

#21
If My Body Were a Car

If my body were a car, I would be thinking about trading it in for a newer model because the old one has got bumps and dents and scratches in its finish and its paint is getting rather dull. But that's not the worst of it.

My headlights are out of focus and it’s especially hard to see things up close.

My traction is not as graceful as it once was. I slip and slide and skid and bump into things even in the best of weather.

My whitewalls are stained with varicose veins.

It takes me hours to reach my maximum speed. My fuel rate burns inefficiently.

But the worst of it is that almost every time I sneeze or cough, either my radiator leaks or my exhaust backfires.

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#22
Celibacy can be a choice in life, or a condition imposed by life’s circumstances, for example: During a marriage guidance weekend, Ken and his wife, Janet, the instructor told the participants: ‘It is essential that husbands and wives know the things that are important to the other one.’ Turning to the men, he added: ‘Can you name your wife’s favourite flower?'

Leaning over and gently touching Janet’s arm, Ken whispered: ‘Homepride, isn’t it?’

And that’s how Ken’s life of celibacy began.

* * *​

 
#23
The Soccer Match

Two long-time friends who loved playing soccer made a pact in their younger days. They agreed that whoever died first would try to contact the one left behind with information as to whether soccer was played in the spirit realm. Both adored the game so much that they looked forward to continue playing it after leaving their earthly existence.

When the first of them had passed on, the other one waited to see if his friend on the other side of the veil of consciousness that separates our two world would find a way of contacting him. Then one day, to his surprise, he received a message from his friend with some good and bad news. ‘The good news is,’ his friend said, ‘that we do play soccer here and the bad news is that tomorrow you will be our goal keeper.’

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#24
Special Offer

‘My dear friend Moscowitz, this is your lucky day! Have I got a bargain for you? A big, healthy, trained elephant! And for you only, just a thousand dollars!’

‘Are you crazy?’ replies Moscowitz. ‘I live in a two-room fourth-floor apartment. What do I want with an elephant?’

‘You’re a tough man, Moscowitz. You drive a hard bargain. I’ll tell you what I’m going to do. For another two hundred dollars, I’ll throw in a beautiful baby elephant. Both elephants for only twelve hundred dollars. How’s that?’

‘Oh yes, now you’re talking.’

* * *​
 
#25
The Spanish Lesson

A Spanish language teacher was explaining to her class that in Spanish, unlike English, nouns are either masculine or feminine. She explained as follows:

House is ‘la casa’ and feminine,

Pencil is ‘el lapiz’ and therefore masculine.

One of her students asked: ‘What gender is computer?’

Instead of supplying them with the answer, the teacher first split her class into two groups, one male and the other female. Then she asked her pupils to decide for themselves whether computer should be a masculine or a feminine noun. Each group had to give four reasons for its decision.

The men’s group decided that computer should definitely be of the feminine gender, ‘la computadora’, because:

1. No-one but their creator understands their internal logic.

2. The language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to men.

3. Even the smallest mistakes are stored in long-term memory for possible later retrieval.

4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your earnings on accessories.

Wait for it – it gets better!

The women’s group decided that computer should be a masculine word, el computador, for the following reasons:

1. In order to do anything with them, you have to turn them on.

2. They have a lot of data but still can’t think for themselves.

3. They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time they are the problem.

4. As soon as you have committed yourself to one of them, you realise that if you had waited a little longer, you could have got a better model.

The women won.

* * *​
 
#26
E-Mail Addresses

An Alaskan couple decided to go to Florida during a particularly cold winter. They planned to stay at the same hotel where they had spent their honeymoon twenty years earlier. Because of hectic schedules, it was difficult to coordinate their travelling, so the husband left Alaska and flew to Florida on Thursday. His wife planned to join him two days later.

The husband arrived and checked into the hotel. There was a computer in his room, so he decided to send an email to his wife. However, he accidentally left out one letter in her email address and sent it without realising his error.

Meanwhile, somewhere in Houston, a widow had just returned home from her husband’s funeral. He had been a minister and was called home to his maker after a heart attack. Expecting messages from relatives and friends, the lady decided to check her emails. When she read the first one, she screamed and fainted. When her son rushed into the room and saw his mother on the floor, he found the following e-mail on the computer screen:

To: My Loving Wife
Subject : I have arrived!
Date: October 16, 2020

I know you are surprised to hear from me. They have computers here now and you are allowed to send e-mails to your loved ones. I’ve just arrived and checked in. I have made sure that everything has been prepared for your arrival. Looking forward to seeing you very soon, dear. Your ever loving husband.

P.S. It sure is hot down here!

* * *​
 
#27
The New Flood

A new flood is foretold. In five days the rain will be incessant and our world wiped out.

The Dalai Lama in an interview asks all Buddhists to prepare for their next reincarnation.

The Pope holds an audience and advises all Catholics to confess their sins and pray.

The Chief Rabbi of Israel on TV announces: ‘Friends, we have five days to learn how to live under water.’

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