A confession of sorts

[Porcelain]

Okay. I've not actually written about any problems of my own on this site before. And really, it's not a major problem but I answered a quiz on the internet and scored 199 which apparantly means I would benefit from an intensive treatment programme. I was somewhat shocked at that outcome because I thought (and I still do) that I am able to control myself to a degree not to let things spiral out of total control.

I suppose the very fact that I'm writing in this section of the forum already gives you a clue as to the nature of my "problem". I am in no way underweight. In fact, I am overweight. I suppose you could say I have issues with food, my weight and I suppose my self esteem. I find myself severely restricting my intake, over exercising and taking laxatives/diet pills for some weeks and then I will binge and despise myself for it. I am slowly losing weight and I know that my goal weight is unrealistic for my height. I also know I am risking my health somewhat. Yet I find myself saying that I can recognise any signs and symptoms and treat them myself accordingly. The most shameful part of my confession.....Going to an anorexic patient to take her to hospital and deep down being jealous of her weight. That's awful isn't it? This poor girl needs my help and all I can think of is how I want my body to look like hers. I'm disgusted at myself really.

 

[Porcelain]

Well, after severely restricting for a week and losing 8lbs I've thrown it all away by binging. I'm so uncomfortably full right now. I'm desperate to get rid of it.

Today I went home early and have ignored all calls and texts.I don't even know why.

 

[kindtosnails]

:hug:

i dont know what to say to help but i can relate a lot with what you wrote. wish i could say something helpful. :hug:

If it helps, im currently ignoring everyone too..

 

[SirenDevil]

Lets all ignore everyone together!

Anyway, I know how you feel. My binges suck. Hardcore. I hope things get better!

 

[Porcelain]

Thanks for your replies.

Since Dec 8th I've eaten an apple, a slice of turkey, a carrot and half a roast potato. I've lost 7lbs. I hope to lose another 7 by the end of dec.

Then in the new year I will hope to lose between 5-10lbs a month until I reach a weight I feel comfortable at.

 

[Porcelain]

I know I should eat something but I'm enjoying the fact that I don't really feel hungry. It's almost like giving myself a challenge to see just how long I can go without having anything. I have 3 days off now.....so I don't need to be concerned about work. I'm sure I'll crack later and have something but I really really can't binge or I'll despise myself.

 

[kath]

im sorry your having such a tough time.im not gonna lecture you cos that probably isnt what youd need or appreciate right now but i am concerned about you and your health and as you say you already know the risks.Please try to eat when you can hun.i can understand your feelings about that girl you were going to help.i can understand how you came to react the way you did and came to feel how you did inside.i can also see why youd feel ashamed of it.i dont really have issues with food really [certainly not to the extent of an eayting disorder,my eating pattern has always been erratic but thats just normal for me] but i know i have seen people before and thought similar things but about different areas.Maybe you could take those feelings and that experience and the way it made you think as a warning that perhaps things are spirralling badly now.Also i dont know.i may be totally wrong and feel free to tell me so too but from what you said about challenging yourself not to eat etc at times and needing to push yourself with it i am wondering if perhaps flood has become something in your life some of the time which you feel at least perhaps you can be in control of?i dont know know.i may be waffling,making no sense.i often wonder with me about the tablets about if its my way of taking control especially as i know where im going sas a result etc and other times i feel it is about me and it perhaps being out of control.i dont know.Sorry this has probably been no use to you.i just wanted to reply and let you know that ylou have been heard.im always here to listen if ever you want to talk and im sure many others would be too.

Take care for now
kath

 

[Porcelain]

Thanks Kath. What you say does make sense and yes, I suppose it must have something to do with control. Someone once told me that I am a perfectionist and that I display some signs of OCD....maybe it's linked to that. I know I have rediculously low self esteem, which is probably the main factor in all this.

I hope you are doing as okay as you can be. xx

 

[kath]

ive not had a very good day but dont worry as im ok and to be honest it sounds you need to be looking after yourself right now!!!!!Thats the main thing.Take care.

PS Some people occasionally mentioned OCD to me before........but it cant be,not me!!!im not obsessive about anything lol.