Today has been a bad day. A very bad day. I've been a complete wreck, panic attacks, endless tears, SH.. urgh. I've had a method in mind, which I've researched intensely and am confident it will be completely successful, for a couple months now. Today, I ordered what I needed. It should all arrive by Tuesday. I've since spent numerous hours looking at suicide sites.. probably not the best thing I could have done lol. I feel calmer already.. but the dull ache of emptiness is still very much there. This time I'm determined to be methodical about it, leave no stone unturned. Tomorrow I shall write my note, and make sure the flat is tidy. Sunday and Monday will be spent trying to make sure things are in order for when I go. Tuesday none of it shall concern me any more. This world is a cruel place, and I am not gonna be a part of it any more. It hurts, and I need that pain to end.
Ah shit
- Thread starter lostbutnotfound
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Thanks Acy and Terry
Things have just been building up, I guess. As I said, the method has been in the back of my mind for a couple months now, and I think since then.. I've just been waiting. Everything is too hard, and everywhere I turn I come to some sort of dead end. I have very very few friends (none IRL), no family.. everyone leaves. I'm so tired of battling with my brain every day. It's gotten to the stage where it's bringing me physical pain.. my heart aches (i know that sounds stupid but its true), my chest constricts painfully, every part of me hurts. And I think I've just snapped now. I don't want to do this any more.
Things have just been building up, I guess. As I said, the method has been in the back of my mind for a couple months now, and I think since then.. I've just been waiting. Everything is too hard, and everywhere I turn I come to some sort of dead end. I have very very few friends (none IRL), no family.. everyone leaves. I'm so tired of battling with my brain every day. It's gotten to the stage where it's bringing me physical pain.. my heart aches (i know that sounds stupid but its true), my chest constricts painfully, every part of me hurts. And I think I've just snapped now. I don't want to do this any more.
I very rarely leave my flat, due to severe anxiety. The thought of sitting in a waiting room brings me to a cold sweat. I saw one of my mental health worker today, but having to admit I'm not doing as well as they think is pretty embarrassing. Also, I don't want to go back to psych hosp. And thirdly, I'm not sure I even want to be stopped. It's like I'm seeing clearly for the first time in a long time, potentially the first time ever.. and I see this world, and myself, for what it really is.
How isn't it right thinking? I've been wrong thinking this whole time. And I think I've finally come to the point where things are clear, and I understand things better. I was never destined to live, my death is what needs to happen. It's a shame it took all this time and false hope to figure out though.
Hi Lostbutnotfound,
I'm so sorry to hear you are thinking about ending your life. It sounds like you are in such incredible pain. Is there anything i or anyone else can do to comfort you during this very painful time? I know that often feeling less alone can help me... would chatting more help you or anything like that?
You're not alone.
:console:
Megan
I'm so sorry to hear you are thinking about ending your life. It sounds like you are in such incredible pain. Is there anything i or anyone else can do to comfort you during this very painful time? I know that often feeling less alone can help me... would chatting more help you or anything like that?
You're not alone.
:console:
Megan
:hug:
You're not seeing any of the good things right now. Life is a series of ups and downs. Seems like you've hit a trough tonight.
You know how depression is...it makes us unable to see (or even imagine) that things can be OK. But that is the "depression" talking, not the real you.
The feelings will pass if you give them some time. You don't have to act on the feelings. Ride them out. Talk to us here. I think that taking action when depression is fogging your brain is a huge disservice to you. You're worth more than that. Please stay safe.
You're not seeing any of the good things right now. Life is a series of ups and downs. Seems like you've hit a trough tonight.
You know how depression is...it makes us unable to see (or even imagine) that things can be OK. But that is the "depression" talking, not the real you.
The feelings will pass if you give them some time. You don't have to act on the feelings. Ride them out. Talk to us here. I think that taking action when depression is fogging your brain is a huge disservice to you. You're worth more than that. Please stay safe.
Hon....
:hug: :grouphug:
Whats up...??? Where's this all come from, I know its been brewing for a while but talk to us/me whats triggered this now? If nothings triggered it and you've just had enough... I get that too. I can't say I know ALL you're going through BUT I can and AM sending all my love, positive wishes , care and strength to you! You need to know that you are loved and cared about ok?
I am so sorry things are so bad, I wish I knew the right things to say to make you stay... I wish I could reach through the comp and give you a real life hug, to pop round with treats and flowers to brighten your day... to show you in real life that I am here and I DO CARE!!!!
I know it hurts, the feelings that friends online aren't really caring that feeling that "if they knew the real you that they would walk away"... Well Hun I care and I am not walking away... I may mess up and not always BE THERE or totally GET IT!!! But Babes I am sending you loadsa love and hugs albeit only cyber!!! If thoughts had wings I'd be there already!
I know you have so many on here who care for you and your close friends. Please try talk to your workers, keep reaching out... keep talking. It doesn't have to end like this... You know in your heart you would say the same things to me!!
Please keep safe!
love Me xxx
:hug: :grouphug:
Whats up...??? Where's this all come from, I know its been brewing for a while but talk to us/me whats triggered this now? If nothings triggered it and you've just had enough... I get that too. I can't say I know ALL you're going through BUT I can and AM sending all my love, positive wishes , care and strength to you! You need to know that you are loved and cared about ok?
I am so sorry things are so bad, I wish I knew the right things to say to make you stay... I wish I could reach through the comp and give you a real life hug, to pop round with treats and flowers to brighten your day... to show you in real life that I am here and I DO CARE!!!!
I know it hurts, the feelings that friends online aren't really caring that feeling that "if they knew the real you that they would walk away"... Well Hun I care and I am not walking away... I may mess up and not always BE THERE or totally GET IT!!! But Babes I am sending you loadsa love and hugs albeit only cyber!!! If thoughts had wings I'd be there already!
I know you have so many on here who care for you and your close friends. Please try talk to your workers, keep reaching out... keep talking. It doesn't have to end like this... You know in your heart you would say the same things to me!!
Please keep safe!
love Me xxx
I've cleaned the flat today. One task down. I know that people are worried and upset, and I don't mean to put anyone through that, but it's not as if they wouldn't all move on anyway soon enough. I'm NOT a good person, and they'll see it soon enough, I'm just bringing it to it's head. No one IRL would give a shit, I don't know why anyone else would either. Anyway, maybe I'll feel calmer just having the method in the house. Maybe that'll be enough to get through Tuesday. Who knows.
*
I just want you to know that ALOT of us wouldnt 'just move on anyway' you are so loved here, so many of us love you, even if there are so many that are horrid, and dont deserve your love and help, there are so many that love you. I hope that you think about it and remind yourself how many of us will never forget you, and how many people's hearts you have touched and helped.
loves u
loves u
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