So, last night I stayed the night in a hotel w/ my boyfriend. It was nothing new. We get one every couple of weeks or so to be w/ each other & to get our of our houses. I have all the freedom in the world to do what I want & sleep where I'd like, but b/c he stil lives w/ Mom & Dad, he can't stay at my house. By the way, he's 21. But - parent's house, parent's rules. Right? No matter how old he is, he still has to respect their wants.
We got some alcohol to relax. He's responsible when it comes to drinking. I wish I could say the same about myself. I drink to my limit & then beyond my limit. I got wasted. After I had been "cut off," I decided to take a shower. My shower, however, turned into a bath. I couldn't stand w/out swaying, so I decided to sit. The water filled the tub fast.
I got depressed. Really, really depressed. And all I could think about was "how easy it is." Because it's so damn easy to end life. I laid back & closed my eyes. Finally, I submerged myself fulling beneath the water. I took a couple of breaths in & it burned my throat & nose horribly. When I couldn't hold back the coughing, my boyfriend barged into the bathroom. He was flipping out. He pulled me up & told me to, "get out of the bathtub. now!"
It didn't even phase me. What I did. How he reacted. It didn't bother me one bit. He refused to exit the room until I got out, so I did. When we laid in bed together, all I spoke about was "depressing, hurtful things." I was mean to him, but nothing new there. I'm always heartless & cruel to him when I'm depressed. I don't know why he puts up w/ it. I guess, perhaps, he really does love me? I just question how I feel about him. I treat him no differently than all the previous boyfriends. :sad: I hate myself; I really do.
That's basically my story. Hope everyone is doing well.
<3 Amber
We got some alcohol to relax. He's responsible when it comes to drinking. I wish I could say the same about myself. I drink to my limit & then beyond my limit. I got wasted. After I had been "cut off," I decided to take a shower. My shower, however, turned into a bath. I couldn't stand w/out swaying, so I decided to sit. The water filled the tub fast.
I got depressed. Really, really depressed. And all I could think about was "how easy it is." Because it's so damn easy to end life. I laid back & closed my eyes. Finally, I submerged myself fulling beneath the water. I took a couple of breaths in & it burned my throat & nose horribly. When I couldn't hold back the coughing, my boyfriend barged into the bathroom. He was flipping out. He pulled me up & told me to, "get out of the bathtub. now!"
It didn't even phase me. What I did. How he reacted. It didn't bother me one bit. He refused to exit the room until I got out, so I did. When we laid in bed together, all I spoke about was "depressing, hurtful things." I was mean to him, but nothing new there. I'm always heartless & cruel to him when I'm depressed. I don't know why he puts up w/ it. I guess, perhaps, he really does love me? I just question how I feel about him. I treat him no differently than all the previous boyfriends. :sad: I hate myself; I really do.
That's basically my story. Hope everyone is doing well.
<3 Amber