Alone With Dark Thoughts

Discussion in 'Rants, Musings and Ideas' started by imalone, Jun 16, 2016.

  1. imalone

    imalone Well-Known Member

    I haven't been online in a while and so much has been going on. I hope I don't bother anyone with this and I hope you are all doing okay.

    First of all this week has been exams, which I've never enjoyed. As my mental health has gone down much more recently I haven't been able to focus. I'm already constantly worrying if I'm doing good enough in my class but when it comes to doing test and revising I just find myself thinking dark thoughts that I can't get out of my mind, instead of revising I'd take out my special "feelings" book and draw my feelings and write in it.

    Also I have never been good at making friends due to my social anxiety and its stopped me from talking to people and I am prone to get really nervous around people, even if I know them, but the friends I do have have had a huge falling out. (It sounds pathetic as its "just a normal high school fight", but its more than that) We had each others back. But now it's tearing me apart. Everyone refuses to make friends or even talk with each other and it makes me frequently nervous and I feel like I'm going to have an anxiety attack whenever I walk through the school gates, as I have to choose who to sit with at lunch or who to walk around with at break and I hate hurting others and making decisions, I always want to put others before myself because I don't feel like I'm worth it. It seems like a stupid problem but I'm not good at dealing with problems, especially stuff like this.

    Recently I've been getting more and more depressed, I've been eating less and less and constantly wanted to throw up what little food I eat. (No matter what anyone tells me I constantly look at myself in shame and feel fat and ugly) I've been having horrible thoughts that I just can't describe to anyone i know. I've been self-harming more and more. I haven't been getting picked on as much but I still got things thrown at me and called things today. I just feel trapped. I have no-one to talk to. I feel like I'm running out of reasons to stay alive. I'm just really scared to show my face anywhere. I haven't been able to just talk to my friends about it because I'm too scared I'll start to cry in public or that they won't care and they have enough going on in their lives. I find It hard to talk about things like this, especially to someone's face, and I usually just bottle up my feelings but I feel as if I'm going to burst and lash out or runaway.

    My parents know about my SH but they don't know about much else, and they only really talk about it if i look like I'm hiding my arms or if they see my scars. I really can't talk to them as we are having bigger problems like money and stress and jobs, so I don't want to add anything else to that list and I can't just tell them what I truly want to happen to myself. I can't face that.

    I've been thinking of telling a teacher for a while now and I've been thinking of who to tell but I can barely talk to my "friends" about this so I don't think I'd be able to talk to a teacher about this. I'm scared that I'll cry and be made fun of or what the teachers reactions will be, I was going to email the school about it but they would just get me in a room with lots of teachers and I'd feel really uncomfortable. (In the past when we asked them for help with bullying they've only made things 10 times worse :( )

    I just really needed to talk, thank you for reading this it means so much to me. I hope you're all doing good.
  2. MisterBGone

    MisterBGone Well-Known Member

    Hello there! :)

    I'm sorry to hear that high school hasn't gotten any easier in the many years since I've been there... Don't worry, don't apologize, don't beat yourself up or feel badly about anything. This is your world, and thus what you have to deal with on a daily basis. It'd be like someone else complaining of their coworkers, and feeling that their issues and office struggles with coworkers and such are trivial. When in fact they are their reality.

    I think you should tell someone. Anyone. Maybe everyone-parents (bullying), teachers (studies), friends (how you're feeling: maybe this would be best done one on one?). I'm not saying that any miracles are in order, but if even one of them comes through then it is probably worth it and you are in better shape than you are now. Talk to that teacher you had thought about. You must trust them and don't tell yourself it won't work until you try. Give people a chance to help you. And then if they fail, you can at least say you gave it your best.

    Try to eat healthy. Balanced diet is likely best at your age. Doing what you're doing is only going to make matters worse--as in ten times harder than it already is... Maybe you can get some help with that? Are you getting any in the form of counseling or something at the school or otherwise? Look into it. Ask somebody for help. They can guide you in the right direction. They have these services available, and they are there for a reason. To be used. Everybody needs a little help when they are down and/or struggling. It's our right to ask for it! :D

    I hope that your exams go as well as can be expected under the given circumstances. It's okay if you don't do as well as you'd like to. Honestly when you're out there and you're doing your career, nobody's going to stop you and ask what your grade was in geography... And sorry your friends are being "fair weather." It's tough; it's difficult, part of it is the environment (high school) & part of it is the age group (teens). But the good news is you'll learn who to associate with and pick out as a candidate in the future. And that is the best part, soon you'll never have to see or hear from these people again (unless you choose to). And you'll be able to "replace" them with new and better ones. Upgrades, so to speak: true friends! Yes. Yes. It can and will be done. I know you don't believe me now. But one day soon, you'll see what I mean.

    I'm so glad you chose to tell us what was going on here. And I hope you won't hesitate the second the urge strikes to speak again. Like I said, just don't say you're sorry next time! ;) it's unnecessary, and we'd all have to add that to every serious thread we've ever made here. So please, save us some work.:)
    imalone likes this.
  3. MisterBGone

    MisterBGone Well-Known Member

    Also (sorry I'm such a motor mouth...), when it comes to easing into conversation with others. Maybe don't try to think about it so much. And then that just ends up getting you more scared. Would it not be easier just to talk to a stranger or a lesser known classmate, about just about any subject/thing. The more minute and meaningless or random the better. In other words, surface stuff. Topics that are not that easily judged. But basically what I'm getting at is I think the best way to learn is by doing. And so the more experience you get with it, (hopefully) the easier it will - talking to others - become. I don't know a ton about social anxiety but it would seem to me the more I avoided it, the harder it would become. Sorry if this wasn't that helpful. I hope that things begin to take a turn for the better with you! :D
    imalone likes this.
  4. imalone

    imalone Well-Known Member

    Thank you for replying, it means a lot. I've been thinking about going to a teacher but I'm not sure what way would work for me. I'm not good at opening up face-to-face as I get really nervous and emotional. I've got a few teachers in mind, as they don't really properly know me I might find it easier to talk about my feelings (I'm the quite/shy type in class). And I'd probably find someway to weasel out of it if I got too scared which I want to try to refrain from doing.

    So far I'm not getting any counselling, I've talked to my mum about it in the past but nothing has been done and I'm too scared to mention it now.

    Food wise I usually eat either a bit of a sandwich or a biscuit (my friends tell me off if I don't eat something, so I just eat little bites) and maybe some melon later on in the day, some days I won't drink, some days I won't eat. I just feel horrible whenever I eat anything.

    My friends are starting to make-up but I'm going quieter and fading away more which makes it hard for me to speak up to anyone, I felt bad whenever I messaged one of them for help in the past.

    I've never been confident with talking to people, even people I'm close too, which is why, even though its 2 years off yet, I'm frightened and stressed about going into college and leaving everyone behind as it took me a while after getting into high school to make some friends and I found it hard in primary school.

    Thank you for the help and advice it really means a lot. Hope you're having a good day :)
    MisterBGone likes this.
  5. MisterBGone

    MisterBGone Well-Known Member

    I just wanted to tell you, that I met many, many people in college (U.S.A.) who were not very popular or did not have a ton of friends in high school. But that they then, "found themselves" once they got into a more relaxed (or different) environment. It has its own stressors and stresses. But many of the things with which you are mentioning as troublesome (gossip girls and the like) are not nearly as present or in your face at the next level. Everybody is growing up some, and maturing, so that probably helps a bunch...

    I think that you could do a couple of things with regards opening up and letting one or more of your teachers know of your struggles. You could ask to speak to them privately for a minute, and tell them that it's important (in case it isn't already overly obvious). Maybe that might make it a bit more comfortable or at least a little easier if you didn't have other students or faulty lurking in the background? You could even go up to them before class, or at a break, and say this... So that they can plan ahead (not that they should need to; but in the event of a time crunch, the you'll know in advance). Or - you could email them; or-even write it down by hand, and then hand it over to them on your way out the door. Let them read and process it, and then get back to you later on or the next day with how best to proceed. My guess is they'll have some good ideas. All of which should help! :)

    On the subject of speaking up: I also think it would be good if you told your parents about how you're feeling. Request an informal interview or a consultation (an introductory meeting basically to see if it would work for the both of you--well, most especially you! ;)) with a counselor. You'd be surprised at how helpful it can be to just talk to someone about all your troubles... And being that they'll be a professional who gets paid to offer insightful advice to you is kind of low an added plus, or a bonus. Think of it like that. And don't worry about being a burden or whatever to your parents. If they knew about all of this I'm sure they'd do whatever they could to get you the help you need. You shouldn't have to suffer so!

    And make sure you mention the difficulty you're having with food. They have special programs to help with this. As well as various professionals. Definitely something that needs to be addressed sooner rather than later as it can become a lifelong dilemma otherwise. Outside of all the destruction that it does to ones body and mind. It's truly serious stuff. You don't want to be going without food and or especially water for an entire day. Everything you can possibly think of gets taxed.

    Ah..! What else? :D I'm a big mouth, sorry, take what you can and forget the rest, trust me.:) lastly, the more you stop communicating with your friends, the harder it's going to be to start up again. If that makes sense? So, it's like anything else. If you don't do it a lot, or keep your skills sharp, that is to say, in practice, it becomes stagnant or rusty. You don't have to tell them all your deepest darkest secrets. Just talk casually and naturally to them about whatever pops into your head. Light subjects, you know? Not so much pressure (to perform) that way. And like I said, the more you do it, the easier it becomes. It's like a muscle. If you're a runner and you take some time off from running. When you come back, you will be frail.

    All right (or is it alright?), I think I've said enough. Hopefully you got something decent out of my mindless rambling. And have a great day! Peace & good luck-
    imalone and Jenumbra like this.