I haven't been online in a while and so much has been going on. I hope I don't bother anyone with this and I hope you are all doing okay. First of all this week has been exams, which I've never enjoyed. As my mental health has gone down much more recently I haven't been able to focus. I'm already constantly worrying if I'm doing good enough in my class but when it comes to doing test and revising I just find myself thinking dark thoughts that I can't get out of my mind, instead of revising I'd take out my special "feelings" book and draw my feelings and write in it. Also I have never been good at making friends due to my social anxiety and its stopped me from talking to people and I am prone to get really nervous around people, even if I know them, but the friends I do have have had a huge falling out. (It sounds pathetic as its "just a normal high school fight", but its more than that) We had each others back. But now it's tearing me apart. Everyone refuses to make friends or even talk with each other and it makes me frequently nervous and I feel like I'm going to have an anxiety attack whenever I walk through the school gates, as I have to choose who to sit with at lunch or who to walk around with at break and I hate hurting others and making decisions, I always want to put others before myself because I don't feel like I'm worth it. It seems like a stupid problem but I'm not good at dealing with problems, especially stuff like this. Recently I've been getting more and more depressed, I've been eating less and less and constantly wanted to throw up what little food I eat. (No matter what anyone tells me I constantly look at myself in shame and feel fat and ugly) I've been having horrible thoughts that I just can't describe to anyone i know. I've been self-harming more and more. I haven't been getting picked on as much but I still got things thrown at me and called things today. I just feel trapped. I have no-one to talk to. I feel like I'm running out of reasons to stay alive. I'm just really scared to show my face anywhere. I haven't been able to just talk to my friends about it because I'm too scared I'll start to cry in public or that they won't care and they have enough going on in their lives. I find It hard to talk about things like this, especially to someone's face, and I usually just bottle up my feelings but I feel as if I'm going to burst and lash out or runaway. My parents know about my SH but they don't know about much else, and they only really talk about it if i look like I'm hiding my arms or if they see my scars. I really can't talk to them as we are having bigger problems like money and stress and jobs, so I don't want to add anything else to that list and I can't just tell them what I truly want to happen to myself. I can't face that. I've been thinking of telling a teacher for a while now and I've been thinking of who to tell but I can barely talk to my "friends" about this so I don't think I'd be able to talk to a teacher about this. I'm scared that I'll cry and be made fun of or what the teachers reactions will be, I was going to email the school about it but they would just get me in a room with lots of teachers and I'd feel really uncomfortable. (In the past when we asked them for help with bullying they've only made things 10 times worse ) I just really needed to talk, thank you for reading this it means so much to me. I hope you're all doing good.