Anger...so much anger

[lonelymum75]

I still have so much anger. My husband killed himself over 15 years ago on the day our divorce was to be final. He called me, said I win, and <Mod Edit - Methods>. Told me only an act of God will end the marriage. On a few occasions he tried to coax me to his place alone. I was so on guard and terrified of him killing me and our son. It was a nightmare. Everyone, including my own family blamed me. They have no idea what I went through protecting my son and myself from him. NO IDEA! The funeral...so many mean words said to me. I still have so much anger in me to this day. I can't get past it. Life moved on for us and in a positive way but I can't shake this inner anger and deep sadness of being hurt by so many for something I couldn't control.

Now with all the talk about suicide and prevention it just brings the past up over and over again. Close friends have lost loved ones to suicide and participate in the fundraising walks all over the place. But not once do they invite me cause they told me that I wouldn't fit in since I've moved on from my experience. They have no clue how I really feel inside. It hurts. It never goes away and I HATE him for all this. Not sure how to get pass it all. Talked with a few psychologists throughout the years and even had PTSD for a time but through it all I remained strong for my son.

Any books out there that may be good for me? For the almost ex-wife who doesn't feel any guilt but feels all the hatred towards her?

And thanks for just reading and listening to me. Just writing this feels like a good first step in releasing this anger.

 

[lifetalkz]

Hi there! I'm so sorry about what you've gone through. I don't know about Twitter, but on Facebook there are lots of support groups for survivors of suicide. There is one Blog in particular that you might find helpful called "Our Side of Suicide". It's run by two friends whose fathers died by suicide. They met at a bereavement support group. There is also a woman named Michelle Miller who had a very similar experience to yours-her husband was talking to her on the phone when he took his life. He left a long letter in which he blamed her for all of his problems. She took the children and moved away from the town they'd been living in to start her life over again. There is also a comedian named Kelly Lynne who has channeled her grief into humor. Those are just a few names I know of but there are many more on the internet. Good luck to you-LT

 

[Petal]

Hi there, I cannot even imagine what you must be going through, it sounds like sheer hell. I think you should go back and see a psychologist, it might help to talk things through and you can vent/rant all you want and talk about your life struggles.

Take joining here for example as a first step into the right direction and your new lease on life that you can and will eventually move on and get well again. Keep talking to us, we're a very friendly bunch. We can support you, be here for you as much as you'd like. Please don't blame yourself for someone else's actions. It was in no way your fault. I wish you the best of luck in moving on with your life.

Also, welcome to SF