Today is my last holiday. I got around 4 weeks holiday, and gonna face my study again tomorrow. For information, Im on my professional license's study/training for become a licensed in a certain medical field(sorry that I cant really spill a detail bcs Im scarred if someone may know me) and my study/training is a main trigger for my depression(started with cant cope with the situation, slower progress within my comrades, etc and slowy I began to think that my life is a mess and finally blaming myself, my own life and soul for making a mistakes for choosing something that I cant do then started to self hurt and suicidal)
Im really happy because for these 4 weeks I didnt have to worry and panic about study. I did everything to improve my moods(except go to counselor since my family still around) and did any self care like skin care, work out everyday, drawing even got a haircut.
But sooner or later I need to face 'reality' again, Im worried if somehow if anything cant be right and messed up I may be gonna panic chaotic like the last time it was really bad. I was stable for a pretty much long time and kinda have some adaption to my stressful enviroment. The last time I gone mad fortunately I was alone and I just crying all night, typing all bad words to myself(if I wrote the detail I can be warned)
I dont know how to make myself 'ready' for facing something that may(and already) ruined my mind? I can just ran away but I know I cant. My family invested so much for this and Im being categorized as a senior years which is everyone expected to graduate soon. Im trying to finish this, on my way but Im scarred if anything could get wrong. I want my brain just to relax and let the flow but I cant, Im scared.
Im really happy because for these 4 weeks I didnt have to worry and panic about study. I did everything to improve my moods(except go to counselor since my family still around) and did any self care like skin care, work out everyday, drawing even got a haircut.
But sooner or later I need to face 'reality' again, Im worried if somehow if anything cant be right and messed up I may be gonna panic chaotic like the last time it was really bad. I was stable for a pretty much long time and kinda have some adaption to my stressful enviroment. The last time I gone mad fortunately I was alone and I just crying all night, typing all bad words to myself(if I wrote the detail I can be warned)
I dont know how to make myself 'ready' for facing something that may(and already) ruined my mind? I can just ran away but I know I cant. My family invested so much for this and Im being categorized as a senior years which is everyone expected to graduate soon. Im trying to finish this, on my way but Im scarred if anything could get wrong. I want my brain just to relax and let the flow but I cant, Im scared.