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Ideas & Opinions ASPD

Dark111

SF Supporter
#1
I understand the stigma attached to this disorder and so didn't include it in my story. The more egregious behavior burns out of you as you get older but i still find certain aspects of human relations very challenging. The therapist who dropped me after 9 months likened me to a swan. I asked what she meant. She said "serene on the outside but seething fury underneath". I often wonder if that is the crux of this inner black hole, this precipice I waver upon. Where does this toxic self-hatred come from is my constant cry. But maybe I'm asking the wrong question. It's not about where the hatred comes from. It's who it's directed at.

I watch and I observe. I know what you're supposed to say to a troubled soul. And I have both witnessed & experienced the power of just being present for someone who is in pain. But my approach is more forensic. I want to investigate. I want details. I'm solution focused. But that seems to shut people down. They find it invasive and maybe a little harsh. I am trying but patience is not my strong point. It frustrates me when people are coy or incoherent. I have burned many bridges over the years with my aggression. And I still think they all deserved it. I see things for what they are but don't always connect with them emotionally. Psychologists say you may meet the criteria for certain personality disorders in youth, but at an older age this may no longer be the case. Age dampens the flames of pathology, just like it dampens everything else. That is all.
 

Acy

Mama Bear - TLC, Common Sense
ADMIN
#2
Dark111 has a professional actually said that you have ASPD?

If you have experienced the power of just being there for someone else, in the role of the person just being there, then you have empathy. Having empathy seems to be something that would contradict the diagnostic criteria for ASPD. I’m not a doctor, so I’m just going by what I’ve read. Did you get a second opinion from a mental health professional and some clarification of what it all means? It might be an idea.

As for the self-hatred you feel...Questions to consider, not necessarily answer here: Were you loved when you were young? Who loved you? Did you and could you trust that love? Could you depend on that person to be there for you? I think if there are doubts about those things when we are kids, it’s harder to build a solid sense of a “good self” as we become adults. Harder, but not impossible.

You mentioned in another thread that you are planning to try therapy again. I’m hopeful you’re at point where it’s another growing spurt for you. :)
 
#3
I can't help but think you were misdiagnosed. Not caring about others seem to be a core element to ASPD, but you do seem very much to care about others, though you may have trouble forming bonds.

I'm solution focused. But that seems to shut people down
I tend to want to "fix" problems too. It's gotten me in trouble sometimes.

Solutions are great when someone is open to receiving advice, it's just that it's terrible when they're not.
 

Dark111

SF Supporter
#4
Dark111 has a professional actually said that you have ASPD?

If you have experienced the power of just being there for someone else, in the role of the person just being there, then you have empathy. Having empathy seems to be something that would contradict the diagnostic criteria for ASPD. I’m not a doctor, so I’m just going by what I’ve read. Did you get a second opinion from a mental health professional and some clarification of what it all means? It might be an idea.

As for the self-hatred you feel...Questions to consider, not necessarily answer here: Were you loved when you were young? Who loved you? Did you and could you trust that love? Could you depend on that person to be there for you? I think if there are doubts about those things when we are kids, it’s harder to build a solid sense of a “good self” as we become adults. Harder, but not impossible.

You mentioned in another thread that you are planning to try therapy again. I’m hopeful you’re at point where it’s another growing spurt for you. :)
I was diagnosed at age 20 after my father kicked me out of the house. Stuff I won't go into here. As for the therapists, I experienced them being there for me, for sure. They let me talk and talk and and they just listened. They didn't do any of those annoying mentalization exercises like they did at that clinic. What those therapists did would be considered empathy, right? That would be an experience of empathy? I think it was genuine too. I just don't think I'd be able to be that graceful. I'd want to cut all that out and get to the source.

As for being loved, I think perhaps my parents tried in their own way. I keep no pictures of my mother. There's just no connection there. She just wasn't a person to me, in any sense. It's hard to explain. The day of her funeral the only thing I cared about was getting her jewelry. She was a deeply unhappy woman anyway and I think on some level she wanted to die. And my father, sure he was a good provider but has the emotions of a brick. A hard man with an abrasive personality. I have no relationship with any of my siblings but i won't get into that here either. But yes, I do intend to enter therapy again. There's something wrong inside.
 

KM76710

KM stands for Kangaroo Manager
SF Supporter
#5
I find much with people challenging like yourself and try to understand and at least behave in ways that most find acceptable. When I was in junior college although I scored fairly high on ASPD I scored extremely high as schizoid personality and was diagnosed as that. Most in life and with others I just see and consider them foreign. One of the few people part of my life beyond first relation family sometimes she calls me Dexter, I had never watched the show before but after seeing it I understood what she meant.
 

Mymindsmine

Well-Known Member
#6
I understand the stigma attached to this disorder and so didn't include it in my story. The more egregious behavior burns out of you as you get older but i still find certain aspects of human relations very challenging. The therapist who dropped me after 9 months likened me to a swan. I asked what she meant. She said "serene on the outside but seething fury underneath". I often wonder if that is the crux of this inner black hole, this precipice I waver upon. Where does this toxic self-hatred come from is my constant cry. But maybe I'm asking the wrong question. It's not about where the hatred comes from. It's who it's directed at.

I watch and I observe. I know what you're supposed to say to a troubled soul. And I have both witnessed & experienced the power of just being present for someone who is in pain. But my approach is more forensic. I want to investigate. I want details. I'm solution focused. But that seems to shut people down. They find it invasive and maybe a little harsh. I am trying but patience is not my strong point. It frustrates me when people are coy or incoherent. I have burned many bridges over the years with my aggression. And I still think they all deserved it. I see things for what they are but don't always connect with them emotionally. Psychologists say you may meet the criteria for certain personality disorders in youth, but at an older age this may no longer be the case. Age dampens the flames of pathology, just like it dampens everything else. That is all.
 

Mymindsmine

Well-Known Member
#7
So I get all your emotions as I was treated as you however o have learnt from the I heart programme that it is us who allow all those feelings to overwelme is. It is us who put a the feelings of pain and hurt inside us it’s our brain that makes us determine how we feel Aboit that situation . We were not born with pain it is us who have allowed these feelings to hurt us and oenetrate into our souls. How dare they . Why do we allow the pain of abuse and wrong to define us and mas us want to kill our selves. How dare our abusers have that power over us . Who the fuck are they to make us feel like we don’t wanna live anymore. If I .
 

Dark111

SF Supporter
#8
I can't help but think you were misdiagnosed. Not caring about others seem to be a core element to ASPD, but you do seem very much to care about others, though you may have trouble forming bonds.
You might very well be correct, may. I don't have my whole identity wrapped around it and it's been interesting hearing all your thoughts. A young one does a bunch of anti-social stuff, and they give her a label. I don't know how many high profile cases I've read where one psychiatrist says it's this personality disorder and the other psych says no it's this other one or it's a mix of these other two. I will say i still struggle with forming meaningful relationships or connection with people; charm & carefully crafted words can often be mistaken for something deeper. When in rehab after a DUI(no one was hurt), this was often pointed out to me. Pity they offered no solutions.
 

Dark111

SF Supporter
#9
I find much with people challenging like yourself and try to understand and at least behave in ways that most find acceptable. When I was in junior college although I scored fairly high on ASPD I scored extremely high as schizoid personality and was diagnosed as that. Most in life and with others I just see and consider them foreign. One of the few people part of my life beyond first relation family sometimes she calls me Dexter, I had never watched the show before but after seeing it I understood what she meant.
"Abandon all hope ye who enter here". You're a man of good taste. Dante's Divine Comedy is an all time favorite of mine and Canto III is quite exquisite.
 

KM76710

KM stands for Kangaroo Manager
SF Supporter
#10
"Abandon all hope ye who enter here". You're a man of good taste. Dante's Divine Comedy is an all time favorite of mine and Canto III is quite exquisite.
Thank you. I do read a fair amount of not just old but at times fairly old literature. Here recently and I guess with the current pandemic been rereading are Jack London's The Scarlet Plague and The Decameron by Boccaccio.
 

Dark111

SF Supporter
#11
Thank you. I do read a fair amount of not just old but at times fairly old literature. Here recently and I guess with the current pandemic been rereading are Jack London's The Scarlet Plague and The Decameron by Boccaccio.
Heh, well isn't this interesting :) You chose the Red Death whereas I went for cholera - Gabriel García Márquez, Love in the Time of Cholera. I'm also revisiting an old Philip K. Dick fav, Do Androids Dream of Electric Sheep
 

KM76710

KM stands for Kangaroo Manager
SF Supporter
#12
Heh, well isn't this interesting :) You chose the Red Death whereas I went for cholera - Gabriel García Márquez, Love in the Time of Cholera. I'm also revisiting an old Philip K. Dick fav, Do Androids Dream of Electric Sheep
I am a big fan of sci-fi going all the way back to the old pulp magazine days of the 1930s and 1940s when many of writers were legitimate scientists who turned to writing to earn a living.
 

Dark111

SF Supporter
#13
I am a big fan of sci-fi going all the way back to the old pulp magazine days of the 1930s and 1940s when many of writers were legitimate scientists who turned to writing to earn a living.
Frank Herbert's Dune saga changed my life. Whenever my therapist queried me on some delinquency I simply replied "I am the Kwisatz Haderach That is reason enough."
 

KM76710

KM stands for Kangaroo Manager
SF Supporter
#14
Frank Herbert's Dune saga changed my life. Whenever my therapist queried me on some delinquency I simply replied "I am the Kwisatz Haderach That is reason enough."
I have always said if I were to describe myself from literature both would be from Jules Verne: Captain Nemo or Robur from Robur the Conqueror and Master of the World.
 

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