I understand the stigma attached to this disorder and so didn't include it in my story. The more egregious behavior burns out of you as you get older but i still find certain aspects of human relations very challenging. The therapist who dropped me after 9 months likened me to a swan. I asked what she meant. She said "serene on the outside but seething fury underneath". I often wonder if that is the crux of this inner black hole, this precipice I waver upon. Where does this toxic self-hatred come from is my constant cry. But maybe I'm asking the wrong question. It's not about where the hatred comes from. It's who it's directed at.
I watch and I observe. I know what you're supposed to say to a troubled soul. And I have both witnessed & experienced the power of just being present for someone who is in pain. But my approach is more forensic. I want to investigate. I want details. I'm solution focused. But that seems to shut people down. They find it invasive and maybe a little harsh. I am trying but patience is not my strong point. It frustrates me when people are coy or incoherent. I have burned many bridges over the years with my aggression. And I still think they all deserved it. I see things for what they are but don't always connect with them emotionally. Psychologists say you may meet the criteria for certain personality disorders in youth, but at an older age this may no longer be the case. Age dampens the flames of pathology, just like it dampens everything else. That is all.
I watch and I observe. I know what you're supposed to say to a troubled soul. And I have both witnessed & experienced the power of just being present for someone who is in pain. But my approach is more forensic. I want to investigate. I want details. I'm solution focused. But that seems to shut people down. They find it invasive and maybe a little harsh. I am trying but patience is not my strong point. It frustrates me when people are coy or incoherent. I have burned many bridges over the years with my aggression. And I still think they all deserved it. I see things for what they are but don't always connect with them emotionally. Psychologists say you may meet the criteria for certain personality disorders in youth, but at an older age this may no longer be the case. Age dampens the flames of pathology, just like it dampens everything else. That is all.