Hello, hope you are feeling better this evening. It seems like you are feeling pretty low and unable to cope, sometimes are emotions can become to much for us to deal with and thoughts that we don't want come up. I am unsure why you don't want to be hospitalized as it is only people trying to support you and help you to become better and make you illness go away. Please DO NOT hurt yourself, I may only be new but I care deeply about you and other members as we all DO matter, has anything else been happening for you? As you also seem quiet triggered, please do keep talking to us and know we are here to support YOU, OK. Take care for now :hug: