BDSM and self hatred

Discussion in 'Rape and Abuse' started by NoNamesPlease, May 21, 2016.

  1. NoNamesPlease

    NoNamesPlease Active Member

    I was sexualized at a very young age. This has caused me to have severe self-hatred for as long as I can recall.

    I am attempting to get free from a man who is active in the BDSM lifestyle. I have been active with him for about 5 years, and it just leaves me feeling lonely and horrible. I find it very demoralizing, and I am struggling to break free of this. It is not even fun for me anymore. I participate so that I will not be completely alone. Sick and pathetic I know.

    I found it interesting at first and enjoyed it. It was a diversion from my usual depressed state. I find myself no longer able to enjoy much anymore. I do not know how to get out of this, I go through very severe separation anxiety when I am not with him. He can put me in despair with just one word. I am very scared of being judged for having been in this sort of activity. Never expected everything to go as far as it did. The more involved I got into that lifestyle the deeper my depression and self-hatred became. A big part of my self harm centers around feeling that I will never be suitable for a decent man again.

    I feel as if he is the air I breathe and I dont have any worth other than to please him, which I never seem to do, btw. My self worth is at zero.
     
  2. sofie

    sofie Banned Member

    First, hugs to you. Second, I have been there. I was involved in a BDSM relationship and ended up devolving into a self-hating mass. I cut myself for the first time in years when I was in that relationship and found myself incredibly depressed even though I was doing things sexually that I thought somehow freed me from past trauma. Now, six years after that relationship ended, I am in a vanilla marriage to a great man who would never dream of making me feel like a worthless being. We are slowly working into deciding what of my BDSM past might be okay to bring into my marriage because some of it IS exciting and up my alley while others are not good for me to continue in. What I am trying to say is BDSM or not, if a relationship makes you feel BADLY about yourself, it is not a good relationship. You feel scared about being alone, but ask yourself is it more scary to be alone than to continue down the road you are on? You do not know the end result of either path.....do not assume the solo road is solo forever. You are worth it.
     
  3. Vickie

    Vickie New Member

    I am by no means making lite of your post... but tonight I find myself somewhere in between, it really messed my head up, but it felt good ! In the beginning it was mind blowing !