BDSM and self hatred

[NoNamesPlease]

I was sexualized at a very young age. This has caused me to have severe self-hatred for as long as I can recall.

I am attempting to get free from a man who is active in the BDSM lifestyle. I have been active with him for about 5 years, and it just leaves me feeling lonely and horrible. I find it very demoralizing, and I am struggling to break free of this. It is not even fun for me anymore. I participate so that I will not be completely alone. Sick and pathetic I know.

I found it interesting at first and enjoyed it. It was a diversion from my usual depressed state. I find myself no longer able to enjoy much anymore. I do not know how to get out of this, I go through very severe separation anxiety when I am not with him. He can put me in despair with just one word. I am very scared of being judged for having been in this sort of activity. Never expected everything to go as far as it did. The more involved I got into that lifestyle the deeper my depression and self-hatred became. A big part of my self harm centers around feeling that I will never be suitable for a decent man again.

I feel as if he is the air I breathe and I dont have any worth other than to please him, which I never seem to do, btw. My self worth is at zero.

 

[sofie]

First, hugs to you. Second, I have been there. I was involved in a BDSM relationship and ended up devolving into a self-hating mass. I cut myself for the first time in years when I was in that relationship and found myself incredibly depressed even though I was doing things sexually that I thought somehow freed me from past trauma. Now, six years after that relationship ended, I am in a vanilla marriage to a great man who would never dream of making me feel like a worthless being. We are slowly working into deciding what of my BDSM past might be okay to bring into my marriage because some of it IS exciting and up my alley while others are not good for me to continue in. What I am trying to say is BDSM or not, if a relationship makes you feel BADLY about yourself, it is not a good relationship. You feel scared about being alone, but ask yourself is it more scary to be alone than to continue down the road you are on? You do not know the end result of either path.....do not assume the solo road is solo forever. You are worth it.

 

[Vickie]

I am by no means making lite of your post... but tonight I find myself somewhere in between, it really messed my head up, but it felt good ! In the beginning it was mind blowing !

 

[QuantumLeap]

I was sexualized at a very young age. This has caused me to have severe self-hatred for as long as I can recall.

I am attempting to get free from a man who is active in the BDSM lifestyle. I have been active with him for about 5 years, and it just leaves me feeling lonely and horrible. I find it very demoralizing, and I am struggling to break free of this. It is not even fun for me anymore. I participate so that I will not be completely alone. Sick and pathetic I know.

I found it interesting at first and enjoyed it. It was a diversion from my usual depressed state. I find myself no longer able to enjoy much anymore. I do not know how to get out of this, I go through very severe separation anxiety when I am not with him. He can put me in despair with just one word. I am very scared of being judged for having been in this sort of activity. Never expected everything to go as far as it did. The more involved I got into that lifestyle the deeper my depression and self-hatred became. A big part of my self harm centers around feeling that I will never be suitable for a decent man again.

I feel as if he is the air I breathe and I dont have any worth other than to please him, which I never seem to do, btw. My self worth is at zero.

@NoNamesPlease I'm really sorry to read of how dark you are feeling in your life
Could you read this? https://www.suicideforum.com/2017/01/05/so-lonely-it-hurts/
I really really hope you find some peace in your heart my friend ...
Kindest regards

 

[dtc]

A decent man will love you for who you are, not what's happened in your past. Hopefully with the support of the good people here, and some professional assistance to get you on the path to caring for yourself again, you can get yourself out of what sounds like a pretty abusive relationship and then you'll be in a position to find that decent man who's out there waiting to find you.

Take care

 

[Gloomy eeyore]

I was in that type of relationship for a year. It was about 7 years ago. When I was with him I felt like such a worthless person. He belittled me and I felt like I deserved everything that was being done to me. In the end I some out found some strength to get out of the relationship. To this day I still have some residual beliefs that I am a worthless person and deserve everything bad that happens to me. If you do not like being in this relationship anymore I hope you can find some love for yourself to leave the situation. Good luck.

 

[may71]

Sick and pathetic I know

No, it just sounds like you got stuck in a bad relationship, like a lot of people have.

I am very scared of being judged for having been in this sort of activity

I don't judge you, and I don't think anyone else here does either.

I think I may have mentioned this in another thread already, but www.hotpeachpages.net has a world-wide listing of resources related to abusive relationships. They may be able to help

I hope that things can get better soon

 

[Walker]

It's a real shame that someone would use this lifestyle to mind fuck you like that. A proper top/Dom would never do that, which is to say you just had a sack of shit loser who was manipulating a situation into an abusive twisted thing instead of something that could've been good for you. I'm sorry you were led down a road under the guise of something that was meant to be one thing and ended up sick and messed up.

 

[Atlas1]

BDSM, rape and self hatred are all linked together more than people think. I speak from personal experience. Bad sexual experiences often lead to BDSM relationships and self-hatred is very common with submissives....

 

[SoFree]

I can admit that I like BDSM, I found a girl who also likes it , we have a great time together