Borderline Personality Disorder | What is BPD? | Signs of BPD
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My father was diagnosed with BPD shortly before he died at age 69. Everyone always says I am my father’s daughter. I’ve wondered if I have it too because of my struggles through life. But my therapist says no. But somehow I think either I have it or my father had some other PD and I have it as well.
I read here that someone took an online test and it confirmed for this person they have it. Could you refer me to the link? I’d like to know one way or another. I’m so tired of trying to figure myself out.
I read here that someone took an online test and it confirmed for this person they have it. Could you refer me to the link? I’d like to know one way or another. I’m so tired of trying to figure myself out.
This is long so I apologize beforehand.
I am a very passionate person. If I love I love with everything in me. I’ve always tried to be a loving, gentle person. And I actually am. I’ve never resorted to violence except when I found out my husband cheated and I slapped him.
But looking back I remember a few episodes of emotional explosions towards people who’ve hurt me. I’ve been told I’m very good with my words and if I get triggered badly enough I go off with my words to the point one person sobbed. My husband says I should’ve been a lawyer.
I think I sort of allowed myself to explode towards these few people because they weren’t a huge part of my life and they acted like a cold reptile towards me or someone I love. To this day I don’t regret going off on them as I feel they deserved it. But I don’t like to think of what I looked like when I was in that mentality. When I get like that, I’m on auto pilot. I can function very well doing even difficult tasks even while I am spewing my words in a rage.
I say it only happened a few times but actually I think it’s happened more often than that because my husband has had it happen to him. This is making me very sad thinking about the emotional harm I may have caused him. He is a very chill guy, who almost never gets upset and if he does it’s not out of control ever. (Except when I slapped him and he struggled with me and knocked me down over a bench. I didn’t get hurt) But he always seems fine after one of our ‘disagreements’.
The more I am writing, the more convinced I am that I have a PD. It’s making me dislike myself a lot. I’ve never wanted to hurt anyone. And if I made anyone hurt like my father hurt me I don’t know how I to live with it.
My father was a horrible person to live with. Yet he could turn it off and be the most pleasurable person in the world when guests showed up. I never understood how he could do this. I always believed he couldn’t help himself when he would lecture me and my only sister as small children (numerous times he even foamed at the mouth, literally, out of rage) and when he would browbeat my poor mother. Everyone loved(s) my father. My cousins and family friends always say how much they adored him. When he was dying at home (hospice at home) from emphysema and other longterm illnesses, he had long lines of people coming to the house to say their goodbyes. I loved him a lot but sometimes I wonder how much was love and how much was manipulated affection.
I’m not manipulative like him and I can’t turn it off and on like him. When I am down I usually just get quiet and keep to myself for fear of saying something I’ll regret. It sounds like there’s nothing that can be done for this anyway so I don’t know why I’m even looking into this, except to get some possible closure.
My heart feels like it’ll explode right now just speculating on whether I have it.
I am a very passionate person. If I love I love with everything in me. I’ve always tried to be a loving, gentle person. And I actually am. I’ve never resorted to violence except when I found out my husband cheated and I slapped him.
But looking back I remember a few episodes of emotional explosions towards people who’ve hurt me. I’ve been told I’m very good with my words and if I get triggered badly enough I go off with my words to the point one person sobbed. My husband says I should’ve been a lawyer.
I think I sort of allowed myself to explode towards these few people because they weren’t a huge part of my life and they acted like a cold reptile towards me or someone I love. To this day I don’t regret going off on them as I feel they deserved it. But I don’t like to think of what I looked like when I was in that mentality. When I get like that, I’m on auto pilot. I can function very well doing even difficult tasks even while I am spewing my words in a rage.
I say it only happened a few times but actually I think it’s happened more often than that because my husband has had it happen to him. This is making me very sad thinking about the emotional harm I may have caused him. He is a very chill guy, who almost never gets upset and if he does it’s not out of control ever. (Except when I slapped him and he struggled with me and knocked me down over a bench. I didn’t get hurt) But he always seems fine after one of our ‘disagreements’.
The more I am writing, the more convinced I am that I have a PD. It’s making me dislike myself a lot. I’ve never wanted to hurt anyone. And if I made anyone hurt like my father hurt me I don’t know how I to live with it.
My father was a horrible person to live with. Yet he could turn it off and be the most pleasurable person in the world when guests showed up. I never understood how he could do this. I always believed he couldn’t help himself when he would lecture me and my only sister as small children (numerous times he even foamed at the mouth, literally, out of rage) and when he would browbeat my poor mother. Everyone loved(s) my father. My cousins and family friends always say how much they adored him. When he was dying at home (hospice at home) from emphysema and other longterm illnesses, he had long lines of people coming to the house to say their goodbyes. I loved him a lot but sometimes I wonder how much was love and how much was manipulated affection.
I’m not manipulative like him and I can’t turn it off and on like him. When I am down I usually just get quiet and keep to myself for fear of saying something I’ll regret. It sounds like there’s nothing that can be done for this anyway so I don’t know why I’m even looking into this, except to get some possible closure.
My heart feels like it’ll explode right now just speculating on whether I have it.
BPD is manageable. There are a lot of treatments out there that could help. I was diagnosed with it in 2009. I still have plenty of symptoms to this day, and some days are worse than others, but I've learned to accept it and manage it for the most part. It helps to be self-aware and understand why you do the things you do. When you are aware, you can look at your behavioral patterns and be honest about them with yourself and others. You can be objective about it instead of subjective, and it's a big advantage when you're able to do that.
hey, I read this post the other day and it had no effect on me. but today, i just thought - last night i wrote a letter to my former therapist and sent it - and just realized now that when i wrote the letter i was not even thinking about this post and that title, but i actually did say basically the same thing. the power of BPD!
So do you tell acquaintances that you have it? I’ve been hesitant to even tell anyone my father had it. But I agree with you. It is better to be objective.. I’ve worked very hard to be the person I am today. It’d be nice to think my work can be transferred to working on BPD, if I in fact have it. Maybe I haven’t been ready to admit it until today. Maybe all the work I’ve done in therapy and self help will put me that much further in progress overcoming the symptoms. Trying to think positive.
Yes. I don't hesitate to tell anyone that I have it, including complete strangers. If they don't like it, they can fuck off. I'm not there to please them, and I won't beg for their understanding or acceptance. They will either like me or they won't, and my diagnosis should have nothing to do with that. It's just a label, after all.
That's a very good article. And I believe it to be 100% accurate. I do think it can be looked at as a gift, honestly. The rest of the world experiences emotions "normally", which means they have no idea what it's like to feel positive emotions as intensely as we do. I always say that I love just as intensely as I hate. And only those of us with BPD truly know what I mean by that. Sure, it sucks to feel negative emotions as intensely as we do, but what about love? Happiness? Excitement? Others have no idea what that's like...and that's their loss because it feels amazing, and in my opinion, it makes the negative feelings worth it.
I know a few people with it, and a couple of people have asked me if I've BPD. One of the people I know told me that her therapist - who diagnosed her - now tells her that she doesn't fit the criteria any longer. I know for myself that I don't care if I do or don't have BPD or not, because I don't need the label and hate labels, because I find labels limiting and defining rather than helpful. They're helpful so long as they help you to get help. So if getting the label would help me get the help I'd need than I wouldn't mind it, but it probably wouldn't. Otherwise they're limiting, for people would excuse themselves and say 'I've BPD so can't help myself'. I can't say I never do something like that, but it's not exactly. I'd more be 'I push people away and I'm not aware of doing it until afterwards, I want to learn another way of reacting'. Am I going to just? Not yet. For safety comes first. This feels really disjointed and disconnected, and not sure why I'm posting, but whatever.
lol, as of now I don't have BPD, but yeah, I know what you mean.
lol, as of now I don't have BPD, but yeah, I know what you mean.
I absolutely love this article. Thanks for sharing it.
It's stuff I've said often, but nowhere near as well.
I've a friend who is extremely emotionally healthy, and in tune - although she can't word what she means - and no, she's never messed up her life, or even understood anything. I always find it strange how she is so emotionally in tune, and yet so naive in some ways (like 'why would you self harm', but in innocence and not a lack of acceptance either, just confusion)..
It's stuff I've said often, but nowhere near as well.
I've a friend who is extremely emotionally healthy, and in tune - although she can't word what she means - and no, she's never messed up her life, or even understood anything. I always find it strange how she is so emotionally in tune, and yet so naive in some ways (like 'why would you self harm', but in innocence and not a lack of acceptance either, just confusion)..
I think it’s that naïveté that I call simple minded. I don’t mean it in a negative way. Just that some people are so simple in their outlook. And they’re happy. Or as happy as this life allows. My husband is this way. I envy that simpleness. While I like the passion I feel when my perception is good, I detest the passion I feel when I’m down. Passionately depressed. Lmao. It’s funny because it’s true.