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Break ups are a huge trigger for me, I need some support

Discussion in 'I Need Empathy and Compassion (No advice wanted)' started by Sam Barnes, Dec 16, 2016.

  1. Sam Barnes

    Sam Barnes New Member

    I am a pretty functional adult (I hope that word isn't stigmatizing to other people) except when it comes to breakups. I am almost thirty and despite having had several serious breakups, each and every one makes me feel like I'm going to die.

    My gf broke up with me a couple nights ago. It was only a 4 month relationship, but very sweet and comforting and the breakup came as a surprise. She was very busy and felt overwhelmed knowing she couldn't show up for me the way I needed. She seemed pretty devastated and said she was in love and was going to be extremely sad for a very very long time.

    I tried hard to validate her experiences and how difficult of a situation that was, and I said I could try to be friends but I was in love with her and didn't want to have to pretend to feel platonically. We dreamed of maybe having a friendship with cuddling where she could feel unburdened as well. We decided to do 2 weeks no contact while we are out of town and then to check in.

    My mental health is bad, it feels like torture. I have a therapist and friends who are keeping in touch but I am really suffering. I have been obsessing about getting her back (I know, I know, this is pointless) and I am wondering if this potential romantic friendship is making me feel hooked on that idea. Part of me wants to be honest - I'm in love with you, if it ever felt ok to you I would maybe want to figure out dating, but my intentions for a friendship would be mixed. But what if thats my one chance to win her back? Again, I know this is crazy, but I'm in a dark place and feeling desperate for that connection.

    On one hand, I feel horrible. On the other, this post break up feeling used to drive me to call exes 1,0000 times to beg for them back, which I felt horrible about. And I'm not doing that, so yay! I haven't told her I am upset at all, but largely because I know that would push her away.

    I just look at the days ahead and can't see any relief. To the point where I feel I can't tolerate the pain, although I don't feel like I am at risk of hurting myself.

    I could use some support.
     
  2. Acanthi

    Acanthi Well-Known Member

    I'm sorry you're feeling bad Sam. I can understand how terrible breakups are, I've just been through one. It was a 4 year relationship and we were engaged. It is still terrible and every memory is a trigger.

    I'm glad you're showing self restraint this time (not calling her 1,000 times), but have you examined your feelings and needs clearly? You mentioned she's very busy and feels overwhelmed she could not be for you the way you are for her. Are you comfortable with how busy she is, and that she doesn't have enough time for you? If you are, then talk to her. Tell her honestly how you feel and that you don't mind supporting her, that you just want to be with her. However, if you are not ok with her having little time for you, then maybe ending the relationship is the best thing for both of you.

    I also sense you're a little insecure and anxious when it comes to relationship. If you want, I have a book you could read that I think will be helpful for you.

    I hope I helped a little bit. Everyone on SF is always here for you. Take care.
     
  3. Brian777

    Brian777 Safety and Support SF Artist SF Supporter

    Hi Sam, welcome to SF. Yes relationship breakups are hard, I know the feeling of not being able to get someone out of your mind and not being able to focus on anything else. In my experience, going from romantic to platonic relationship doesn't work well( at least for me) I find it difficult to switch to a platonic role after a romantic. The only cure is time and that's exactly what you don't want to hear. Good luck my friend and take care.
    Brian
     
  4. may71

    may71 Well-Known Member

    Hi Sam,

    Can you tell us some of the back story?