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Broadly negative venting: feeling bitter; I don't want a consolation prize.

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I think that the anti-depressant I'm on has been somewhat helpful, in that I can think in ways I wasn't able to think before. But I'm finding I'm angry, bitter and spiteful. I'm not angry any anyone in particular, just at 'the world' and perhaps at the anti-suicide/mental health community's ideology. I've wrecked the life I wanted to live. It seems like the best sort of future I have to look forward to, the future I think I'm expected to be grateful to get, is as someone who barely gets by, is an object of pity for family, friends and acquaintances, but is dumbly 'happy' with being mostly a failure because of, I don't know, the smell of flowers and the sound of music, etc. It is as if I have to become a Stepford wife or something. I admit, if I'm alive I'd rather not be miserable, even if that means becoming someone I don't respect. But I'd rather be dead than become that. If I can't be an EFFECTIVE person, I don't want to be a person at all.

I feel as if the anti-suicide, 'it can get better' community is saying "Don't leave the table! Eat plate after plate of this food that repulses you and MAYBE, when you have cleaned your last plate, you'll get a cheap little cookie, and then have to eat another plate of food that you don't like, but isn't as bad, and then maybe you will get another cheap little cookie, and so on, until you have to leave the table.

Why do so many of the mental health professionals and anti-suicide people talk as if this were a good deal? Even if I KNEW that I was going to get a plateful of cheap little cookies before I die, why suppose that it is WORTH living like this in the meantime? Don't misunderstand me, I'm not saying I deserve anything better than the cheap cookies, and I know lots of other people would love to have the chance to eat those cookies. I'm not demanding something better, I just want to leave the table.

I guess another way of expressing what I'm trying to say is: I have a little hope of better future now, but when I look realistically at what that future might be, well, it isn't anything to be excited about. It's not as if I'm looking forward to becoming that person. I'd still rather be dead.
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