Bullying Over Appearance

[afterlifepig]

Like specifically I was Zooming for class and I turned on the light to the side of my laptop because it was dark and a girl goes "ewww" in a really mean, judgmental way. It was right at the end of class so nothing came of it and I can't prove harassment over one little incident like this - plus that would make me look like a petty loser who makes trouble because he is a magnet for bullies.

But ... I had bad thoughts. Not like I was going to do anything, but the whole pattern bothers me - someone tries to pick on me, I get upset and do or think negative things. That's all over with and now I just have to do some kind of damage control so I'm not singled out in this class. Not hard, it will probably work out, but I'm trying to learn from this situation. Basically all I did was turn my camera on like everyone was told they ought to do, but I'm the ugly one so this one toxic person decided for whatever reason to mess with me.

On the plus side, it brought me here (not because I'm suicidal) so I can share some of what I've been through as someone who has been prone to suicidal ideation in the past but survived it.

Have you guys had situations like this? Does it keep happening? What is your take on people teasing or harassing because you have an odd/overweight/different appearance?

 

[LOSTINSIGHT]

Hi @afterlifepig .
This is disgraceful ,I can only imagine how ignorant this persons upbringing is .these people grow up to be very embarrassed in how they behaved and regret it.
If its persistent bullying ,you deserve much better and fight your corner with the school.
There must be specific help and support online and offline for people i school.
Hang in there for the long game ,,work on yourself and your self worth.
Total respect to you.

 

[Waves]

Hello Afterlife

There are all shapes and sizes and looks. But I will not deny that we live in an image conscious world. Media does not help. I was taken aback by the student’s reaction and rudeness. And I wondered if that person would have been as rude in person? Is virtual world creating a rude bullying society? Does relating in person help us to be civil, less judgmental and form bonds? The onus is on that student not on you. Shame on them. Please seek out your family and friends for laughter and good feelings. You are great!!!

 

[Dante]

Wow, the internet does it again. When everyone is just words on a screen its easy to think everyone there is the same as you, same age, same culture, etc, I didnt think we had anyone young enough to still be in school, it makes me wonder if I'm the odd one out being in my 30s...

I was bullied at school for my appearance, the funny thing is there was nothing wrong with my appearance, I just wasn't popular so I was an easy target, of course I believed I was a freak at the time, if enough people say something its hard to not believe it, but it just turns out that when there is nothing really to make fun of, they choose the first thing they can see, your appearance, you (like me) are probably nowhere near ugly enough to warrant any singling-out, you probably look perfectly normal (even if they may not let you believe it), but saying "eww" was a very low-effort way to put you down, so they did.

I have thought about the reasons for bullying a lot, and I am pretty sure I understand the mechanism now. It is a fun fact that when your mind is still developing in early childhood you haven't really gained the ability to empathise with people on any level, meaning small children are all technically diagnosable sociopaths, they see everyone around them as means to an end, sources of food, comfort or entertainment, and some kids, usually the more popular ones as their comfort in being popular has meant they had no need for further emotional development, continue being borderline sociopaths for FAR longer. When they look at you they see a resource, something that can feed, comfort or entertain them, you arent the kind of person they enjoy being friends with (equally emotionally stunted people) so the only way to utilise you as a resource is to force you to buy food for them, to belittle you to comfort themselves with a sense of power or to make jokes about you to entertain themselves. It isnt actually coming from a sense of malice, they have nothing particularly against you, they are just stunted emotionally so dont know who to act like a human being yet. It is telling that the dynamics and social structure of popular kids follow primitive tribal structures, mirroring their unevolved psyches.

The above means that they also dont see what they are doing as wrong, and when they finally DO grow up, they still wont just as we dont see us pestering our parents for presents when we were younger as particularly wrong, just immature. I met a couple of my bullies a few years ago, they had no idea that I had hated them, they viewed me as an old friend, I suppose thats just how their minds processes the memories, they remember me as someone they had fun with, and they don't remember that I wasnt enjoying myself.
If you have read this far, congratulations, you have better reading stamina than me but also, know that all the above means that there is nothing wrong with YOU, it is THEIR stunted emotional growth and THEIR immaturity that is the cause of all of it, and most of what they bully people about is made up or drastically exaggerated, otherwise they wouldn't have any ammo at all, no one is anywhere near as freakish as kids make them out to be.

Finally, I came across this in a TED talk and loved it ever since (it made me cry), maybe you will appreciate it too.

 

[Waves]

Wow, the internet does it again. When everyone is just words on a screen its easy to think everyone there is the same as you, same age, same culture, etc, I didnt think we had anyone young enough to still be in school, it makes me wonder if I'm the odd one out being in my 30s...

I was bullied at school for my appearance, the funny thing is there was nothing wrong with my appearance, I just wasn't popular so I was an easy target, of course I believed I was a freak at the time, if enough people say something its hard to not believe it, but it just turns out that when there is nothing really to make fun of, they choose the first thing they can see, your appearance, you (like me) are probably nowhere near ugly enough to warrant any singling-out, you probably look perfectly normal (even if they may not let you believe it), but saying "eww" was a very low-effort way to put you down, so they did.

I have thought about the reasons for bullying a lot, and I am pretty sure I understand the mechanism now. It is a fun fact that when your mind is still developing in early childhood you haven't really gained the ability to empathise with people on any level, meaning small children are all technically diagnosable sociopaths, they see everyone around them as means to an end, sources of food, comfort or entertainment, and some kids, usually the more popular ones as their comfort in being popular has meant they had no need for further emotional development, continue being borderline sociopaths for FAR longer. When they look at you they see a resource, something that can feed, comfort or entertain them, you arent the kind of person they enjoy being friends with (equally emotionally stunted people) so the only way to utilise you as a resource is to force you to buy food for them, to belittle you to comfort themselves with a sense of power or to make jokes about you to entertain themselves. It isnt actually coming from a sense of malice, they have nothing particularly against you, they are just stunted emotionally so dont know who to act like a human being yet. It is telling that the dynamics and social structure of popular kids follow primitive tribal structures, mirroring their unevolved psyches.

The above means that they also dont see what they are doing as wrong, and when they finally DO grow up, they still wont just as we dont see us pestering our parents for presents when we were younger as particularly wrong, just immature. I met a couple of my bullies a few years ago, they had no idea that I had hated them, they viewed me as an old friend, I suppose thats just how their minds processes the memories, they remember me as someone they had fun with, and they don't remember that I wasnt enjoying myself.
If you have read this far, congratulations, you have better reading stamina than me but also, know that all the above means that there is nothing wrong with YOU, it is THEIR stunted emotional growth and THEIR immaturity that is the cause of all of it, and most of what they bully people about is made up or drastically exaggerated, otherwise they wouldn't have any ammo at all, no one is anywhere near as freakish as kids make them out to be.

Finally, I came across this in a TED talk and loved it ever since (it made me cry), maybe you will appreciate it too.

Good summary. Moral of story is that people are naturally bullies, power hungry?

 

[Dante]

Good summary. Moral of story is that people are naturally bullies, power hungry?

No, little children are naturally bullies, but in that intersection between child-sociopath to empathetic adult, it is strangely the ones who developed empathy faster which are the underdogs because they handle others with care whilst the stunted (yes, I am trying to make that a new term for teenage bullies) dont care and throw every bit of weight they can around to get everyone else under their thumb.

There are a few made-for-bullying targets, people who are genuinely strange or unpleasant enough or have a major and obvious thing to make fun of, but these are rare, I knew 3 at school across every years, one who was several years younger who had Tourette's and just kept shouting the same thing with the same tone (hard to miss her) one in my year who was just uncomfortably and annoyingly forward with everyone, kinda pushy, you didnt have to know him and he would still come up to you and ask to share your sweets and be very insistent acting like you are friends and this is just how you have always been, or tell you a WAY too personal story, made you want to kick him to make him go away, and the last one one was fat, 4 foot tall and had a TERRIBLE attitude, I tried to befriend him because I felt sorry for how people treated him but as soon as he felt confident that I wasnt going to bully him he decided to try to bully me, this didnt last long, I was clearly higher on the social ladder, the sad thing is, the only way to get peace from the short bastard WAS to bully him even if you didnt want to -_-

Moral(s) of the story:
1) What they say about you is almost certainly bullshit, and if it isnt, absolutely certainly exaggerated.
2) You are targeted BECAUSE you are more developed than they are, you are measurably a better person.
3) With the exception of those who remain stunted forever, most eventually grow out of this so bullying is primarily a school thing, once you graduate, the chances of you getting bullied fall every year, you just have to outlast them.

 

[Przym]

A long time ago. Little moments here and there, I was made fun of for being ugly. I used to be made fun of for looking like a man because of my thick eyebrows as well.

I changed my appearance a little (lost weight, hair cut, brows waxed, adopted a stoic attitude) and that helped increase my looks. People definitely treated me differently.

Honestly, have you tried maxxing out your potential attractiveness? ("Glowing up")

I know people say we should accept ourselves as we are, and we should, but what if we aren't even striving towards our own full potential? We can be our own character creator, man. Yeah, we may not be able to get plastic surgery or something, but we can work with what we have for sure.

And people will always have something to say about you. Here is some great advice from Marcus Aurelius:

“If any man despises me, that is his problem. My only concern is not doing or saying anything deserving of contempt.”

 

[Waves]

A long time ago. Little moments here and there, I was made fun of for being ugly. I used to be made fun of for looking like a man because of my thick eyebrows as well.

I changed my appearance a little (lost weight, hair cut, brows waxed, adopted a stoic attitude) and that helped increase my looks. People definitely treated me differently.

Honestly, have you tried maxxing out your potential attractiveness? ("Glowing up")

I know people say we should accept ourselves as we are, and we should, but what if we aren't even striving towards our own full potential? We can be our own character creator, man. Yeah, we may not be able to get plastic surgery or something, but we can work with what we have for sure.

And people will always have something to say about you. Here is some great advice from Marcus Aurelius:

“If any man despises me, that is his problem. My only concern is not doing or saying anything deserving of contempt.”

Looks matter huh?

 

[Dante]

Looks matter huh?

In a way I agree, we should all strive to be more attractive, it is a harsh truth that attractive people have an easier life, people are just nicer to them, trust them more, promote them more easily, its something we should all be aware of, but at the same time there is no evidence that afterlifepig is actually ugly at all, except for the bullying of an emotionally stunted moron looking for an excuse and her own self-image, neither of which are very reliable indicators (we are all our harshest critics), so sure, try to be prettier, there is nothing wrong with that if you can pull it off, but at the same time, dont imagine you need to "FIX" your appearance.

also, just a warning, of all the people I know, the ones who obsess solely over their appearance are the most vapid and worthless people I have ever met, so... everything in moderation.

 

[Witty_Sarcasm]

This has happened to me both online and offline since I was young. I don't expect it to stop happening, but I realize the people who do it are assholes and I try not to take it to heart.

 

[Dante]

When there is nothing inside you worth raising up, the only way to elevate yourself above others is to do everything in your power to put them down, if someone is putting you down without provocation, it is a sign that they are lacking, not you.

 

[Aurelia]

The instructor should have done something when that happened. It's tough because it's over the internet. In real life, I would say to get a female friend to kick her ass.

 

[Przym]

Looks matter huh?

Yes, they do. We can toss around platitudes, but ultimately, it's a fact that people are treated a certain way based upon the way they look.

 

[Dante]

Looks matter huh?

Yes, they do. We can toss around platitudes, but ultimately, it's a fact that people are treated a certain way based upon the way they look.

I think this is a argument in cross purposes, Waves is talking about how things SHOULD be, and Quietus is talking about how things ARE, a lot of arguments get out of hand when this happens, if I may: beauty shouldn't matter, it is way less worthy than other attributes and shaming others because you fit the standard of beauty better is shallow and wrong, but at the same time, it is a sad fact of the world that beauty does have a large effect on your life, the more beautiful you are the better people will treat you and the easier your life will be as a result, so as much as you shouldn't be ashamed if you aren't, or don't feel, beautiful, and that there are far more important things about a person than beauty, making an effort to look better will have a positive impact on your life and is generally a good decision.

For example, I would much rather be with someone with average looks and a fantastic personality than a person with fantastic looks and an average personality, but given 2 people with the SAME personality, I would choose the prettier.

 

[Harrow]

I am sorry that happened to you

I understand dealing with the way you look. I have severe anxiety from it a lot. But anyone who judges has no right to know you and isn't a kind of person you want to know in anyway so screw them

 

[Waves]

Yes looks matter

 

[Waves]

Always has

 

[Waves]

When there is nothing inside you worth raising up, the only way to elevate yourself above others is to do everything in your power to put them down, if someone is putting you down without provocation, it is a sign that they are lacking, not you.

Yet they have it all. Family, respect, security, love, a life. It is the way if the haves toward the have nots