Bye, hopefully I will be dead by 1am

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K

Katerinna

Active Member
#1
#1
I am hanging myself in a couple of hours. Read my earlier posts or my post in the after forum (where I survived hanging last week). My job is pointless and I am reminded how I am going nowhere though I have a degree. Everyone keeps telling me that I won't be able to teach since I am transgender. I have no energy to apply to teach abroad program. What good will it do? Sure I have a degree in japanese history and I tutor in the free time, I bet others have pages of volunteer info. Also those applicants aren't transgender, no matter how much I pass now i have a glaring M on my birth certificate because I don't have 30+k to have that final surgery (hormones which I'm on do all the work) I don't want to die but I really don't want to go back to retail work, I feel at the bottom. Everyone else at work are like best friends and hang out after work.... no one does for me.

Also yes I am seeing a therapist but I need someone to be proud of me for being myself, but she won't even confirm or deny the fact that this is all a delusion brought on by mild autism. Sorry I need praise and glowing words now... cries
 
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mango_goose

Active Member
#3
#3
Well i think your very Brave FOr being yourself. I ahve a brother who was going out with a transgender guy/girl and He/she was a great person.
And i think that you have rights to be able to get a job, to not employ you would be discrimination.
Please dont kill yorself. Im sure everyone here is proud ofyo and think of all the kids that feel the same as you and need a role model to look up to.
 
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manicmonday

Active Member
#4
#4
Hi Katerinna,

Life is hard a lot of the time, for a lot of people. I think what makes the difference between those who give up and suicide, those who continue existing but are miserable, and those who actually live and find some peace and contentment, isn't what happens to us or our birth circumstances, it's a willingness to put as much effort into living as we do dying. Instead of being kind of wishy-washy and thinking that if only this happened or that hadn't happened and tentatively making plans to suicide if this doesn't change or that person does whatever, if we resolve that suicide is not an option and refuse to give in to the temptation to think about it, we have only one choice left - to figure out how to make our lives better. It's merely a shift of focus, but an enormous one. When I quit using substances, I had to change my thinking. I could no longer accept turning to a substance as an option. I had to find new options and stick to them. My slogan became "no matter what" meaning I wouldn't drink or drug no matter what else happened in my life - there was and never would be an excuse or event that would make it acceptable to go back to using.

I struggle with suicidal thoughts daily - some days worse than others. I look for excuses why I can't. I can't leave my cats behind - I won't. My apartment is a mess, I don't want anyone to see it, even if I'm dead. There's someone named Allan from many years ago who I hate, and it would prove him right. The guy who owes me big bucks wouldn't have to continue making monthly payments. I wouldn't get to meet my birth family that I just located in Feb. So I just keep reminding myself of why I can't and it gets me through until the next time the feelings are strong. I need to do what I suggested and eliminate it as an option - still working on finding the determination to do that.

Katerinna, you're bright. You still have things to do in this life and the world would be poorer if you decided to leave before you're supposed to. Try taking the energy that you put into thinking about suicide and making plans, into the solution of just one problem you face and see what happens. Commit to living as if dying isn't an option. You can't give 100%, 10% at a time.

Warmly, manicmonday
 
K

Katerinna

Active Member
#6
#6
I am so scared.
I don't want to die.
I want someone to hold my hand when my body starts going into convulsions and saying ever so softly, "It will soon be over sweet dear." They would gently squeeze my hand and telling me over and over 'just a bit longer dear'. An hour to go, then if no miracle happens then it is meant for my death.
 
K

Katerinna

Active Member
#8
#8
Well everything is set up, I really don't want to die but I feel like I have to. My job is so wonderful i get home around 10pm and expected to wake up around 7am the next day. Oh I also have to work 7 days in a row and i have to close the night before and open the day after my off day which makes that day null and void in a way. I wish I had a normal job. I want to be a teacher so bad. No one at work likes me, everyone is talking about starting school and their best friend roommates. I come home to an empty apartment. I really want a pet but my family says I will fail at taking care of it (though I grew up taking care of pets).

I am so lonely....
I am a failure....
 
T

TLA

Antiquitie's Friend
#9
#9
it is not meant for your death!! you have not met us for no reason. Don't you want to show someone that you can do it, and they were wrong!!
Doin't you believe in the kids that you could touch with your profound depth of understanding. TRY. not do the hanging
 
K

Katerinna

Active Member
#12
#12
As you can tell, I am not dead. I was getting ready to and did a test run but couldn't induce blackout smoothly. I ended up calling a crisis line. She was wonderful but also kept holding the 'i can track you and send police to your house'. After I promised her I would be okay, I went for a walk just in case police were sent. Why when I was seeking help did they have to go 'we can treat you like a criminal'....

Why seek help then?

I need some far away glacier to scale where only the lone otter would hear my screams. I would unleash a lifetime of grievances on the dirtied snow and sparkling ice shards.

I want everyone at work to find out I died. I want my friends to hear the news. I want to see everyone's mouth drop. For a brief second the world would stop for me. Selfish I know, but better to die full of potential than live on as a loser. I know this sounds mean of me but I am tired of everyone brushing me off as the 'sad but won't ever do something type'.

How would it affect people? All those people who just saw me as depressed and whiny, but ignored my pain would finally understand.

I am going off to the woods tomorrow night to do away with myself.
I should die for being me since my family isn't thrilled to have a daughter and coworker and others have said Japan would definately not accept a transgender teacher no matter how much I pass. I should die for not being overjoyed with position I am and interacting with the general public. Everyone is getting married, going to school this fall, living with beyond wonderful friends... I am alone...

I would rather die as a person full of potential and the world would surely miss than live as a loser college graduate who could not get a better job due to extreme social phobia and having to deal with gender issues. I look very much like a girl and people who just found out about my past are beyond surprised. I want to just wear a skirt in front of my parents and have them accept me instead of having to dress adrog so I could try and keep them in my family.

Help........
 
H

Hazel

SF & Antiquitie's Friend
Staff Alumni
#13
#13
Katerinna, you are not completly alone, you have us and no one here is going to judge you.....
I would rather die as a person full of potential
Click to expand...
why not live as a person full of potential?
Yes u have a social phobia and have to deal with gender issues, but with the right help things can improve and you will be able to strive towards your goals.
As for a pet, look at your circumstances, do u feel you can provide a pet with the care it needs? I know you will love it and if you can provide the facilities, time and finances to care for it then dont let your family's negative attitude put u off.

Take care Hazel :hug:
 
K

Katerinna

Active Member
#14
#14
cries i don't want to die, but I can't stand the one guy constatnly talking about studying overseas and grad school, rubbing salt into wound. Work is bad enough as is, I don't need to be made to feel like a failure. I will try to do a soft hang and leave it up to whatever divine force if I should die. This can not be life..... I want to be a teacher but no energy to study thanks to retail.

Someone please hold my hand when I go into convulsions, please tell me it all will be okay. I can't go back to that hell. Everyone just writes me off as the depressed one, but one that will never do anything. I won't be found for days since I paid my rent this month. Work would probably send someone here after a few days since they would be like oh no we can't shove her behind a cash register to say the same phrases like a trained parrot.

Listening to sarah mclachlan's angel as my final song.... I love that song so much and know I could bring so much to this world, but I can't handle now. I will leave it up to the Fates.
 
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Tak

Active Member
#16
#16
Don't listen to that one person, listen to the rest of us. So many people on here do not want to see you go.

You obviously hate your job - can't you change?
 
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mango_goose

Active Member
#17
#17
hey.
**holds your hand and tells you it will be ok** ONLY if your alive. nothing will beok when your dead. The world might stop for you for a minute but then it will continue on.
If you FIGHT for the jb you want If you fight against the suicidal feelings peopleare gonna stop and say "thats my FRIEND and im proud to ave a friend like her" she knows what she want and goes for it. It wont matter that your transgender. AND that would mae a path for all the other transgender people
 
Y

yeh.

Well-Known Member
#18
#18
hi, erm i really dont know what to say. but i feel your pain somehow. whoever told you japan wont accept teachers is just wrong. also you could be a teacher somewhere else. there's plenty of countries i dont know where you live, but i feel sensitivity upon your persona. i dont even know wth is retail but it sounds awful. look im not into the best of positions to tell ya anything. actually i droped a job out of misery. i got not a single penny right now.i guess what im trying to say is that you still can do something for yourself. drop the job. im sure you'll start to feeling better.but give yourself some time. to think. listen to your music. study. teach. teach teach. phobia's. i know about phobias. they are feelings that actually nobody thinks about. we fool ourselves into thinkin people. damn i can barely talk ever since march. if your parents doesn't accept you well ***'em. perhaps step by step. but give yourself some time to accept the fact that you might need some time for yourself. buy a cat. you might be wounded by ur job. but you can recover. before quiting life. quit your job. 'you cant fire me cause i quit' i guess that applied when i droped my job. well these are just some thoughts. i dont know how helpful. but we'r here if you ever wanna talk.
 
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D

dark_thought

#19
#19
Katerinna said:
For a brief second the world would stop for me. Selfish I know, but better to die full of potential than live on as a loser.
Click to expand...
That's beutiful. It pisses me off that when someone dies, all anyone can say is what a great person they were, bright, compassionate, with a great future yada yada yada. It's all bullshit, intended to sooth their own guilt over neglecting that person.

I think though that if you're planning to do this, purely to get a 'reaction' out of people, then you're doing it for the wrong reason. Better to prove these people wrong and rub *their* noses in it when you finally achieve your goals.

You're better than they are - don't let them win by proving that they were right and you were wrong. Those people you work with; most of them will be doing that same job for the rest of their lives. They're insecure and say these things to pull you down to their level. You have ambition, goals. They don't.

If you die now, all you'll be doing is proving them right.
 
L

LIVE LIVE LIVE

New Member
#20
#20
dieing isn't going to solve anything the pain will go on and it will not be over. By staying alive you can do everything to build your life up and be happy don't end it when things can only get better.
 
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