I’ve had to return here to SF, and reading some of my old posts, it seems things really don’t get better. Everyone does just hate me. Everyone. The universe hates me. I must’ve been one mean son of a bitch in my past life. There’s no other explanation for how much punishment I endure for seemingly no reason. I’m not religious at all, I don’t believe in any sort of spirituality, but there’s no logical answer so I’m clinging to this illogical one just to have something to cling to. It’s like when something good finally happens, it only happens so that it hurts more when I lose it. I’ve only ever done what I thought was right. I hate being wrong or doing the wrong thing. It makes me feel physically sick if I even have to tell someone they made ME upset. I’m constantly apologising and letting people push me around and changing my personality for others, yet it never seems to be enough. I’ve even had people get angry or upset because of how much of a chameleon/people pleaser I am lately. I don’t even try to do it, it’s just my autistic brain protecting me I guess. Got into a spat lastnight over something incredbly trivial with my friends and never even got as much as an apology. Scratch that, not even a message. They love to criticise me over the smallest things, it’s like walking on eggshells. They’re a couple, so they love to gang up on me, I can’t defend myself at all. I’m just glad one of our mutual friends picked up on it and told me I wasn’t crazy for being upset about the blatant attack they launched on me out of nowhere. They stood up for me a bit, and that’s something I don’t think I’m very familiar with. Normally nobody wants to get involved because they want me gone too. I know that they just don’t like me so they’re picking me apart to feel better about it subconsciously, but I wish they would be more covert about it. I’ve already attempted once this year, didn’t tell anyone about it,all it brought was more pain, physical and mental, and it’s like the universe just won’t let me go. I don’t even know what to do with myself anymore. I deleted all communication apps. I only want to talk to my parents right now.Nobody cares anyway if I’m there or not. I just intrude in places, I guess. My bad for thinking you liked me when you said you did. My whole life I’ve felt very much like an alien. It’s like everyone else got a manual for life and I didn’t. I’ve found peace in this forum helping others before or just hanging in the chat, so I’m back.
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Hello and welcome back Kynan 
I'm sorry that things have been bad.
I don't hate you
Karma is a complex topic. I don't it means you did anything bad. I can try to say more on the subject of karma if you'd like.
I hope things can get better soon.
I'm sorry that things have been bad.
I don't hate you
Karma is a complex topic. I don't it means you did anything bad. I can try to say more on the subject of karma if you'd like.
I hope things can get better soon.
I think that could bring me comfort if you expanded on the subject. I always feel like I’m repaying someone else’s debt.
You're welcome!
The subject of karma is very vast. You could fill a library just with the books there are about karma. I can't really give a thorough answer, but hopefully a helpful one.
I think in the theory of karma, pretty much everyone has accumulated vast amounts of karma, usually more than can be experienced in a single lifetime. Experiencing karma does not mean that you are worse or have more bad karma than someone else, it just means that an opportunity for that karma to arise has occurred, and now that debt is cleared.
From a certain perspective, getting things that you don't like can actually be a reflection of good karma. The teachings of karma, reincarnation, and enlightenment are not separate. In the enlightenment tradition, it is only a life that leads to self-realization that can be called fortunate. Having a difficult life generally leads you closer to enlightenment. So from this perspective, those who have easy lives and vast wealth, etc, are actually among the most cursed people in the world.
I can't say that I know that there is or is not karma, reincarnation, etc., but what I can say from my own experience is that if a bad thing happens to me, I can sometimes think "maybe I've just burned away some karma, and therefor now I'm better off". Looking at my life this way, I'm able to be more calm.
Another thing to consider is that ultimately, karma is an illusion.
The subject of karma is very vast. You could fill a library just with the books there are about karma. I can't really give a thorough answer, but hopefully a helpful one.
I think in the theory of karma, pretty much everyone has accumulated vast amounts of karma, usually more than can be experienced in a single lifetime. Experiencing karma does not mean that you are worse or have more bad karma than someone else, it just means that an opportunity for that karma to arise has occurred, and now that debt is cleared.
From a certain perspective, getting things that you don't like can actually be a reflection of good karma. The teachings of karma, reincarnation, and enlightenment are not separate. In the enlightenment tradition, it is only a life that leads to self-realization that can be called fortunate. Having a difficult life generally leads you closer to enlightenment. So from this perspective, those who have easy lives and vast wealth, etc, are actually among the most cursed people in the world.
I can't say that I know that there is or is not karma, reincarnation, etc., but what I can say from my own experience is that if a bad thing happens to me, I can sometimes think "maybe I've just burned away some karma, and therefor now I'm better off". Looking at my life this way, I'm able to be more calm.
Another thing to consider is that ultimately, karma is an illusion.