A week ago I went to my doctor with a light pain in my left testicle. He sent me to a ultrasound. I went, and watched the nurses face change from polite interest to worry and concern - then finally to fear. She told me to dress and see a specialist. The word cancer was mentioned, be her and by my doctor. Right now I am waiting to get an appointment at a specialist who will take a cell sample and see. In the meanwhile I am losing my mind. You wouldn't know, but I am a former drug abuse who has suffered chronic depression - dysthymia - for five years. I've been close to suicide many times. NOW, I am facing the fact I might have cancer and want to live more than ever. I start seeing the beauty of life, the entire history of mankind and the tiny piece I get to witness. I don't want to die. And I'm scared. I know that if I do not have cancer I am ready to truly live. To truly seize life. But I might not get to. This is either the best thing that has never happened to me, or the worst. In the meanwhile I am in limbo. Guess I just need some comfort, some help, someone to listen. I.R.