I'm realizing more and more that i have to fake being semi-okay with the relationship i am in. I am hitting myself over and over for missing Brandon's message on whether i was angry at him or not. I wasn't at all, just wrapped up in my own mess that i forgot to respond. Lost my best friend due to his drug habits. It's not just the actions of others that have been affecting me to the core its my unwillingness to want to like who i am. I still can't look at mirrors without feeling like i am going to cry. I'm still faking that i am "fine", pushing myself to limits outside my comfort zone. Isn't that where life begins? Outside your comfort zone? I am still finding myself constantly thinking of my end regardless of what new meds if any at all that they have me on. I can't do this anymore, the fighting. It wont end. it will never end. I think its my fault now, me getting this far into darkness that seeing light is inevitable. Was placed back on meds and i think it was a bad idea with the state of mind that i am in but who cares right. Eventually i will be just another lost soul in the wind.