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Can't stand living again
- Thread starter Kath123
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lol! Exactly. 
I pretty much know how you feel Kath. I'm 47. I've suffered from disthymia and recurrent depression since 16. I don't live with my parents, thank god, but I live on disability instead. It's a below the poverty line existence, but at least I don't have to work some dumb ass job I can't stand where I want to kill my boss every single day. This I am truly grateful for. I'm a complete recluse. I can't decide if I care or not though. I too tried to kill myself at 20...and 19 and 30. I did go to the library and got the right pills and more but such a young body is strong you know, and it ain't so easy to die. I too wish I'd died the first time. I guess I can say that I've completely given up. I've tried and tried to make some use of my extraordinary intelligence but my mental illnesses keep getting in the way. Even my support worker says he's never seen anyone try as hard as me to fight their way back. Unfortunately, it's like Sisyphus, you know? Push the rock up and it just keeps falling back down. At some point you just have to say, fuck the damn rock. I'm not doing it anymore. So now I kind of just sit here in a passively suicidal way, just letting the time tick away because I figure life is short and it has to end eventually, if I just sit here doing nothing. Also, I'm waiting for my mom to die of brain cancer because she's the only one who would be completely devastated if I killed myself. I figure once she's gone, I'm off the hook with the problem of it irreparably hurting anyone.
wastingaway, thanks so much for writing what you wrote. I related to almost everything you said - and I'm at a point where I feel like I can't relate to anyone. I especially relate to the part about Sisyphus. That's an image that comes to my head a lot.
I have to live too for my mother mainly, and it feels like a hopeless, cruel and exhausting death-watch. My mother says to me, "you're not going to do anything to yourself, are you? I wouldn't survive it." And I don't think she would. On the other hand, it cuts both ways - my being alive is hard on her too.
I am sorry your mother has brain cancer. That must be hard.
I'm naturally a recluse. I have a lot of social anxiety on top of general anxiety and depression, and I can't stand being around people. A few years ago when I went into therapy, I was unemployed, and other than my parents there was nobody I saw practically except the woman that I bought cigarettes from.
My therapist is very happy too with the changes I've tried to make in my life. But the more things change, the more they stay the same. The more I do, the more I don't want to live. It's not supposed to work that way, but it does for me.
Do you enjoy anything? That's the hardest part for me. There's nothing in the world I want to do. Life doesn't seem short to me. It seems endless. Well it seems short too. But when you want to die, right now, but you can't...tick tock tick tock.
I have to live too for my mother mainly, and it feels like a hopeless, cruel and exhausting death-watch. My mother says to me, "you're not going to do anything to yourself, are you? I wouldn't survive it." And I don't think she would. On the other hand, it cuts both ways - my being alive is hard on her too.
I am sorry your mother has brain cancer. That must be hard.
I'm naturally a recluse. I have a lot of social anxiety on top of general anxiety and depression, and I can't stand being around people. A few years ago when I went into therapy, I was unemployed, and other than my parents there was nobody I saw practically except the woman that I bought cigarettes from.
My therapist is very happy too with the changes I've tried to make in my life. But the more things change, the more they stay the same. The more I do, the more I don't want to live. It's not supposed to work that way, but it does for me.
Do you enjoy anything? That's the hardest part for me. There's nothing in the world I want to do. Life doesn't seem short to me. It seems endless. Well it seems short too. But when you want to die, right now, but you can't...tick tock tick tock.
Hi,
Sorry, I didn't notice you had responded. This site has me so confused. How can you tell if someone has responded to a post? Anyway, I don't currently have anything I enjoy, except maybe junk food. I get on sprees or obsessions with things for awhile, then I tire of whatever it was and go back to do nothing and being depressed. I get obsessed with a school course sometimes, get 90's in Chemistry and Laboratory Medicine courses. I have two courses left to finish my 4 year honours degree but can't seem to get to it. Well , I'd be in school if it weren't for my mom dying actually. I have no idea what I'm going to do with a Chemistry and Lab. Med. degree when I'm done. I'll probably be like 50 or something. Maybe just go to grad school. I don't know. It feels so totally pointless and useless at the moment.
I was playing guitar obsessively for awhile, but I walk dogs to get a bit of extra cash, (not much, just one or two dogs usually), and one of the dogs ended up being abandoned by its alcoholic, demented owner and I became obsessed with rescuing the poor thing. I succeeded in finding it a good home after about 2 months of nonstop effort, but I went slightly insane with the effort, stopping all my other interests to rescue her, then sunk into a major depression. (Before that happened I was also taking ballroom dance classes , and auditing an English course at the university.) Like I said, I get the ball up the hill and BAM, something stresses me out, I get depressed and it all falls apart on me. The other dog I was walking also died suddenly in February of a twisted stomach, so now I have no dogs, no exercise, no extra income, no hobbies, and can't pull myself together to go find some new dogs to walk. I just sit here thinking about death all day. I've taken up knitting when in a particularly bad mood. Sometimes it helps, just keeping your hands busy, but this is keeping my hands busy too, isn't it? Trying to get back to guitar as I was making such great, rapid progress. I don't know how I got stuck in this funk, AGAIN.
What the hell is wrong with me anyway? I feel like such a loser.
I don't think I'm bitchy, unpleasant or ugly, things you've called yourself, I mean. I'm not really anxious with surface socializing either. I'm just unwilling to get close to people for fear of getting hurt. I think a lot of people are not worth getting close to in the first place too. I'm really picky; too picky for someone in my circumstances probably. Nobody wants to be around a 47 year old loser, no matter how intelligent she may be. In fact, that can be a drawback. I actually have some social skills. I don't appear odd or abnormal in a casual gathering. I just don't want to use them, I guess. I prefer to be alone, rather than be bored to death, annoyed or rejected, which seems to be what mostly happens when I try.)
I worked full time for 20 years before giving up on that --mostly as a rail traffic controller for the railway and also as a lab tech. full time in summers and part-time while going to school. I owned a home and lost my life savings in a real-estate crash in my 30's and so have become completely cynical with the whole system, you know? What's the point of working your whole life only to lose it all in a bad economy? What kind of a schmucking idiot am I anyway? So I dropped out of it all and decided to study instead. But the depression has led to complications with that too. Sigh. It's a long story. I keep going back and forth between pointless, depressive apathy and ennui, and just wanting to end it all, but being too depressed to get up and take any action. Sigh.
Sorry, I didn't notice you had responded. This site has me so confused. How can you tell if someone has responded to a post? Anyway, I don't currently have anything I enjoy, except maybe junk food. I get on sprees or obsessions with things for awhile, then I tire of whatever it was and go back to do nothing and being depressed. I get obsessed with a school course sometimes, get 90's in Chemistry and Laboratory Medicine courses. I have two courses left to finish my 4 year honours degree but can't seem to get to it. Well , I'd be in school if it weren't for my mom dying actually. I have no idea what I'm going to do with a Chemistry and Lab. Med. degree when I'm done. I'll probably be like 50 or something. Maybe just go to grad school. I don't know. It feels so totally pointless and useless at the moment.
I was playing guitar obsessively for awhile, but I walk dogs to get a bit of extra cash, (not much, just one or two dogs usually), and one of the dogs ended up being abandoned by its alcoholic, demented owner and I became obsessed with rescuing the poor thing. I succeeded in finding it a good home after about 2 months of nonstop effort, but I went slightly insane with the effort, stopping all my other interests to rescue her, then sunk into a major depression. (Before that happened I was also taking ballroom dance classes , and auditing an English course at the university.) Like I said, I get the ball up the hill and BAM, something stresses me out, I get depressed and it all falls apart on me. The other dog I was walking also died suddenly in February of a twisted stomach, so now I have no dogs, no exercise, no extra income, no hobbies, and can't pull myself together to go find some new dogs to walk. I just sit here thinking about death all day. I've taken up knitting when in a particularly bad mood. Sometimes it helps, just keeping your hands busy, but this is keeping my hands busy too, isn't it? Trying to get back to guitar as I was making such great, rapid progress. I don't know how I got stuck in this funk, AGAIN.
What the hell is wrong with me anyway? I feel like such a loser.
I don't think I'm bitchy, unpleasant or ugly, things you've called yourself, I mean. I'm not really anxious with surface socializing either. I'm just unwilling to get close to people for fear of getting hurt. I think a lot of people are not worth getting close to in the first place too. I'm really picky; too picky for someone in my circumstances probably. Nobody wants to be around a 47 year old loser, no matter how intelligent she may be. In fact, that can be a drawback. I actually have some social skills. I don't appear odd or abnormal in a casual gathering. I just don't want to use them, I guess. I prefer to be alone, rather than be bored to death, annoyed or rejected, which seems to be what mostly happens when I try.)
I worked full time for 20 years before giving up on that --mostly as a rail traffic controller for the railway and also as a lab tech. full time in summers and part-time while going to school. I owned a home and lost my life savings in a real-estate crash in my 30's and so have become completely cynical with the whole system, you know? What's the point of working your whole life only to lose it all in a bad economy? What kind of a schmucking idiot am I anyway? So I dropped out of it all and decided to study instead. But the depression has led to complications with that too. Sigh. It's a long story. I keep going back and forth between pointless, depressive apathy and ennui, and just wanting to end it all, but being too depressed to get up and take any action. Sigh.
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I think what you call sprees and obsessions sound like good things. They sound like living life. I have them too. I took courses in computer science, I blogged for a while, I did some crafts. Sometimes I get obsessed with something totally useless like a t.v. show or a video game. But it's all scattered and meaningless. I know there's no point at my age in taking courses in computer science of all things, which is a young person's career. But I do it because it's something to do.
And nowadays none of it really interests me. I mostly sleep when I'm not working, because I can't think of what to do with myself.
Isolation isn't a good thing, even if that's what you feel you want. When I was a recluse I didn't want anything to do with anybody, and it's only recently - after I've become a little more involved in life - that I can even feel the loneliness. But I know what you mean about fear of rejection and boredom. Most people I don't have anything in common with - well most of them have lives, don't they? And I can't relate to that. But mostly when I talk to people, I just don't connect. Interests, thoughts, feelings - they're so different from other people's that all I can do is pretend I'm anything like them, but I know I'm not. Maybe you are too picky. But maybe it's just hard to connect when you're different.
I'm sorry about what happened to your home/finances. It sounds like you haven't emotionally recovered from that.
I think what you call sprees and obsessions sound like good things. They sound like living life. I have them too. I took courses in computer science, I blogged for a while, I did some crafts. Sometimes I get obsessed with something totally useless like a t.v. show or a video game. But it's all scattered and meaningless. I know there's no point at my age in taking courses in computer science of all things, which is a young person's career. But I do it because it's something to do.
And nowadays none of it really interests me. I mostly sleep when I'm not working, because I can't think of what to do with myself.
Isolation isn't a good thing, even if that's what you feel you want. When I was a recluse I didn't want anything to do with anybody, and it's only recently - after I've become a little more involved in life - that I can even feel the loneliness. But I know what you mean about fear of rejection and boredom. Most people I don't have anything in common with - well most of them have lives, don't they? And I can't relate to that. But mostly when I talk to people, I just don't connect. Interests, thoughts, feelings - they're so different from other people's that all I can do is pretend I'm anything like them, but I know I'm not. Maybe you are too picky. But maybe it's just hard to connect when you're different.
I'm sorry about what happened to your home/finances. It sounds like you haven't emotionally recovered from that.
Hey, I'm not sure if I ever saw this reply. I'll try subscribing to the thread like you said. I'm over on Mad Season as Shhh if you want to come over there. It's gotten really quiet over there though lately so I'm back here. I'm even more depressed than ever now. I'm going to bed at 3 in the morning and staying there until 3 in the afternoon whether I'm sleeping or not which is mostly not. Then I sit around on the computer the other 12 hours. Nobody calls or emails me. I don't go out. I don't talk to anybody. I don't exercise or eat right. Sometimes I drink but mostly not. I don't give a shit about anything anymore. I would kill myself if it weren't too much trouble to bother trying. Basically, I'm already dead. Killing myself would just be a redundant formality.
Kath and Wastingawayagain,
i can relate so much to you. the feeling of being already dead... no interests, no friends... just waiting for time to pass. thinking about suicide all the time. and resisting the urge because of my mom...
i dont have any advice... just wanted to let you know i understand, i feel the same and you're not alone.
i can relate so much to you. the feeling of being already dead... no interests, no friends... just waiting for time to pass. thinking about suicide all the time. and resisting the urge because of my mom...
i dont have any advice... just wanted to let you know i understand, i feel the same and you're not alone.
I'm getting more depressed again without the meds, too depressed to even talk about it. I'm too depressed to even have the energy to even kill myself or even to care if I live or die or even to be able to tell the difference between the two. I feel like a zombie and I'm not even on any drugs or alcohol, legal or otherwise. God, how am I going to get myself out of this deep, dark pit I'm in? Actually I have this image now of slowly bringing dirt from one side of the pit to the other, a handful at a time so that eventually it's high enough to climb out. I guess I know how it's done, a little at a time. If only I could find the energy to even move that first handful or move that first handful and then not collapse with exhaustion for another week before trying again. I've got that feeling of despair where I want to yell for help but know that it's completely and utterly pointless because there is nothing anyone can do for me. I guess this is hell. I don't think it even helps to know that other people feel as bad as I do. If anything it makes me feel worse. Welcome to my nightmare, as the song goes:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TugiW-UCLKk
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TugiW-UCLKk
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