Sorry for the long post, I hope it is okay. To be honest I never really noticed this positive section on the forum. I also never expected to write anything here in a positive section.
Originally when I first came here I never thought that I would have a future. A future for me just wasn't something I envisioned for myself. I thought maybe this place could be a safe haven, for when the nights were too difficult.
Throughout my highschool years I struggled with depression, anxiety and s*icidal ideation. It was like a plague with no cure. It haunted me day in day out. Every waking second of every moment. Even I knew I had good days but all I thought about was death even then. Throughout the years I have had a lot of ups and downs with the severity of my depression, anxiety and those horrible thoughts of ending myself or just hurting myself somehow.
Like many out there, I have endured things I shouldn't have had to. I had my innocence taken from me, my voice silenced, cries muffled and my anger internalized. And silently, it all began to grow like a cancer. Nothing and no one felt safe. I felt like it was me against the world. I didn't know how to ask for help. I didn't know who I could trust or even how to trust.
The past few years I started to grow and actually started to heal. I didn't realize it at first and many times I doubted that I was truly healing. Sometimes I thought maybe my mind was playing tricks on me. Maybe it was just my imagination. Maybe I felt like I was improving but secretly, deep down, I was still holding onto something more. Something more painful. Something more terrible. But, I was just slowly opening up like a flower, going at my own steady pace. I was doubting myself because, that's what I always have done. And then finally I let myself go.
I let my mind open up. I let my heart open up. I changed my mindset with the help of voluntarily committing myself and asking for help. I absorbed the knowledge and accepted the help from others. I allowed myself to feel my feelings and learned to stop caring about other peoples thoughts and feelings about me (which was by far my most difficult thing to overcome and only within the past few months have I begun to truly grasp that. Still a work in progress, but I continueto improve each day).
Ten years ago I would have never believed I would be here. Six years ago I would have done anything to just be with my dad again. My depression and thoughts of taking my life started when I was only 11 years old. Today I am 35 and I no longer have the overwhelming thoughts of taking my life. Better yet, I have been able to envision a future for myself and have made goals and plans. For once in my life I look forward to tomorrow. I look forward to seeing what the coming years will bring me. I have a positive mindset and I am truly seeing my own worth.
In August I will be starting college. That's something I never thought I would do in a million years. It is only part one in my future goals. I will be doing a 2 year program to become a medical office administration. Once I complete that I intend to transfer to another college and study to become a kindergarten teacher. Doing the Medical office administration first will allow me to work and earn money as I continue college for a teaching degree. I also believe it will benefit me during summer breaks when school is out to maintain steady income and work.
Another thing that I have been giving a lot of thought to, which has never seemed like a possibility, is having a child. When I was younger I always thought of having a kid. But things happened and I couldnt think about it anymore. I started telling myself that I didn't want kids and that it would never happen. But, working through things, I finally realized that I have a strong desire to be a parent...I just told myself that I could never be a decent one for so long that I started to believe it. So when the time is right, I hope to become a parent.
Having so much more clarity in my mind and my thoughts I have learned that, sometimes we struggle to invision a future for ourselves because we are stuck in the past. We have been hurt and/or traumatized. We have been told most of our lives that we don't deserve things like happiness, joy, respect, kindness ect ect. But, all of us do. If it is hard for you to see a future for yourself right now, DO NOT give up! I know it sucks. I know it hurts. I know it's hard as hell. But you are so much more than what you think you are. You might not feel like it will every stop, but I believe in you.
Congrats on your self-restraint, I know it's hard.
talking on the phone can be so nerve wracking but you did phenomenal 👏