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Choosing what I love over what was right....

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I joined the Army as a bright eyed and innocent 17 year old in 2011. I knew exactly what I wanted to do and my desire to become.

Basic and AIT went pretty smoothly, I found most of the challenges exciting and quickly learned that my gift of easily adapting to pretty much any situation was a skill that enabled me to fit in. Though I adapted quickly I was exposed to sexism, racism, and most of all homophobia. I'm not saying this experience was easy for anyone but I had thick skin and good friends so I just drove on. I was lucky to have my boys looking out for me.

Stationed in Germany, 2014.
A group of friends and I went to a bar that was frequent by soldiers, us included. I had a drink or two, but was to be one of the designated smart people that night so I kept my wits about me. I chatted it up with my would be assailant and his friends then went back to my group, nothing was weird, he didn’t pressure me, just talked about our MOSs and that’s about it. The next thing I can recall is being herded into a cab by him and his friend, the entire time all I could do was say over and over “I want to go home too …, I want to go home too…” but I couldnt do anything, no matter how much I struggled, tried to fight. My reaction time was too delayed. My thoughts were moving faster than my body.

I was somewhat coherent throughout, with crazy colors swirling like the view from the tilt o whirl at a carnival. I don’t remember anything the two of them said. Considering I was a rebellious hick from Missouri and not some dainty German farm girl stock, it took the two of them to haul me up his barracks staircase. Again all I could do was slurringly say no, leave me alone. The friend left me with the guy in his room. I told the guy please no and that I was in fact constipated,he was undeterred. Having no control over my movements I was like his fucking puppet, he would put me into a position and I would just stay there all the while screaming in my head. He was rough causing bruising all over my body and he almost bit my nipples off.

The next day I woke up and he was gone, I pretty much knew what had happened, but was still a little foggy, there was blood on my thighs, feces everywhere, bite marks on my body and I was extremely sore. I was so angry but all I wanted to do was get the hell out of there, I snooped around the room looking for his name but after a few minutes the need to leave won out. I emerged from the barracks to find myself at a different kaserne about 20 minutes from where I lived. I knew a strauss was nearby and rode it to the train station. When I got there I spent hours there bewildered all I knew was that I was drugged and you cannot fly if drugs are found in your system, it doesn’t matter how they get there. I was set to start flying just two months later and had worked my ass off to get there. All I wanted to do was fly so I kept my mouth shut, At that time I thought nothing good came of “crying rape”. So I hushed the pain the guy had lodged into me and eventually made it back home.

I told my few very close friends and they asked, what do you want to do? All I could say was “kill him”. I never saw him again, most likely because I don’t remember what he looked like. For the next year I drowned myself in booze, work and sex but rarely felt much and endured a painfully forced unhealthy relationship.

I was losing it, I was detached, having horrendous nightmares, panic attacks in groups. I would hold it all in till I was alone driving to work where I would cry my heart out, all I could do was think about this guy violating me over and over, than paste the professional Sgt face on and be dying inside.

I went off the deep end the day we had to watch The Invisible War for EO training. I had to get up twice to hold it together, as always it sparked talk on the subject later at work. One of my soldiers jokingly said there is no way Sgt…(me) would let a man do that to me, that I would rip his balls off. If only. I just grabbed a good friend and hauled him to the smoke pit where I chain smoked his cigarettes. I could tell he knew something had happened to me as we just smoked in silence, the pity in his eyes angered me even more.
I sought help that week, things got a bit better, sleep came easier over time.

To this day I continue to have vivid dreams of being raped by that faceless man, ending in me killing him in any fashion I can. It is disturbing and exhausting. This is my story, I selfishly chose my career over the need to protect other men, women, and the need to find justice, but seeing how other victims have been treated all of these years what other choice did the Army leave me with? I will be haunted by my decision for the rest of my life whether it was right or not.
This is my story, I selfishly chose my career over the need to protect other men, women, and the need to find justice
I don't think it's fair to put the blame on yourself. Being raped is an overwhelming experience, it's not reasonable to think that anyone could go through that and still have it together enough to participate in prosecuting this guy.

And you're also right in thinking that even if you had tried to prosecute him, it's not necessarily the case that it would have done any good.

Have you tried talking to a therapist about this?


Back into the wild where I belong. Out of your way
Staff Alumni
SF Supporter
Just remember it wasn't your fault in any way, any form and please forgive YOURSELF from this burden you're carrying.

May is right, seeing a Therapist would help make sure the T is experienced and specialized in sexual assult cases.

And a lot of hugs to you for being a Survivor.

Take Care
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