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Compassion Fatigue

Velveteen Bunny

Well-Known Member
#1

I moved about five years ago to live with my aging mother. I knew she would need my help as she was already showing signs of needing help, back then. It was a good thing for both of us. I lost my house to foreclosure (I have C-PTSD, and losing my lovely little house that was all mine, and some of my belongings as well, added to it.) I come from a toxic, dysfunctional, mentally ill family, myself included. It stems from our father being both an alcoholic and narcissist. How can one not be messed up, coming from that foundation. You adapt and adopt dysfunctional ways just to survive.

I have spent great amounts of time trying to research why I am the way I am, and to fix myself. My ex-husband was expert at pointing out that there was something wrong with me, even though he didn't want to help me figure it out or try to help me... that was my problem, so I should fix it myself, right.

So, when I came to help my mom, I had great plans of making her healthy meals, exercising with her, cleaning the house for her. Unfortunately, my dad and one of my older brothers who is also an alcoholic, and came to live (take advantage of) my mom -- did everything they could to undermine and sabotage my good intentions and efforts regarding my mom, for their own selfish reasons. They liked that she was developing dementia, because now she was no longer argumentative but would do everything they wanted her to (sit on her butt all day and watch TV with them, eat out at restaurants (she would pay for the meal, of course) and live a sedentary lifestyle that they love. I finally gave up trying to help my mom. To get out of the house so I didn't have to be around the toxic people (Dad, Brother and Mother), I got a part-time job at a health food and supplement store. It was a struggle for me to work with the public because I am quite introverted and although I did like many aspects of my job and helping people, it also drained me of energy. I worked there for a little over a year, I think.

Anyway, a lot of terrible things have happened in the space of time from then to now, which I won't go into right now. But I realized way back at some point, that there must be a term for what I was feeling... lack of compassion, not caring anymore, anger, frustration, hatred for my family, self-hatred, depression, extreme gut-wrenching sorrow, wanting to escape, escape fantasies, scrabbling for ideas to escape and to make easy money, etc.

I started researching (I always turn to researching because it's a way to try to make sense of WHY), and found that there is indeed a term for what I was feeling. It doesn't really help me in practical terms, because there's nothing I can do about it. But it does help to know that I am normal to feel the way I do, and that there are many, many people who also are going through the same thing.
 

Lane

SF Pro
SF Supporter
#3
You sure have been through a lot in your family and shame on them for undermining your good intentions of taking care of your mother, especially during a fragile state. You really are a survivor @Velveteen Bunny . I know this thread isn't about me but I can relate so much as my foster father who raised me was also alcoholic and wreaked havoc in our family. When I took care of my mother, my oldest sister tried to undermine mine and my nieces efforts while the other, an addict tried to get attention for Facebook posts. Family can suck, period!

You sound highly intelligent and I admire that you work on your self rather than succumb to drugs or whatever else. Also you stepped up to the plate to take care of your mom and take on a job. Not an easy task, by any measure. You definately have my admiration for what that's worth. *console
 

Brit

Well-Known Member
#6
Hello, Velveteen Bunny, thank you for posting the video, which I appreciated watching. I agree that a lot of people have emotional fatigue to some extent or another, especially caring full-time for another vulnerable person - that's a tremendous responsibility and commitment. Similar to you, my siblings and I also grew up in a dysfunctional, mentally ill family. As the eldest child I think I took on a lot of the responsibility for worrying about everyone's emotional health and well-being, never really learning to look after my own - and now, I'm easily overwhelmed by external or emotional stimuli and probably need more down-time than average (although my sister appears to thrive on these things). Your current situation seems so challenging, no wonder you feel such strong feelings and emotions! I admire you for researching solutions and explanations to support you and your mum's circumstances (in the past, you've shared videos about fasting, etc.) I hope you can find some time, space, resources for nurturing yourself. I am thinking of you and wish you all the best x
 
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Velveteen Bunny

Well-Known Member
#9
After taking her to get an MRI, I just found out my mom, who's 83, has a fractured femur, upper hip area. She fell in the bathroom late September. Normally, I would be crying, extremely upset, devastated. I haven't even mustered a good cry, that's how out of touch I am with my feelings right now.

Also, no one will help me get her in and out of the car due to liability fear. Not even her Hospice team. This world is extremely screwed up when you can't even get help for an elderly person who has a fractured bone and can't even stand properly. I had to get her into and out of the care four fricking times, no help. Disgusting.
 
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Velveteen Bunny

Well-Known Member
#13
Thank you, again, guys. My momma passed away December 9th, 2022. I feel lost without her. I know I probably am codependent and all that stuff, but ever since I started watching Asian drama and movies and learning about their culture and how they put great respect on parents and elders (from Confucius philosophy), it taught me that this is something good and I wanted to do that for my mom. She was easy to love in many ways, and I am going to miss her every day for the rest of my life. I wake up and my first thought is, she's gone.
 

foreverforgotten

Quiet Observer 🦋
SF Supporter
#14

I moved about five years ago to live with my aging mother. I knew she would need my help as she was already showing signs of needing help, back then. It was a good thing for both of us. I lost my house to foreclosure (I have C-PTSD, and losing my lovely little house that was all mine, and some of my belongings as well, added to it.) I come from a toxic, dysfunctional, mentally ill family, myself included. It stems from our father being both an alcoholic and narcissist. How can one not be messed up, coming from that foundation. You adapt and adopt dysfunctional ways just to survive.

I have spent great amounts of time trying to research why I am the way I am, and to fix myself. My ex-husband was expert at pointing out that there was something wrong with me, even though he didn't want to help me figure it out or try to help me... that was my problem, so I should fix it myself, right.

So, when I came to help my mom, I had great plans of making her healthy meals, exercising with her, cleaning the house for her. Unfortunately, my dad and one of my older brothers who is also an alcoholic, and came to live (take advantage of) my mom -- did everything they could to undermine and sabotage my good intentions and efforts regarding my mom, for their own selfish reasons. They liked that she was developing dementia, because now she was no longer argumentative but would do everything they wanted her to (sit on her butt all day and watch TV with them, eat out at restaurants (she would pay for the meal, of course) and live a sedentary lifestyle that they love. I finally gave up trying to help my mom. To get out of the house so I didn't have to be around the toxic people (Dad, Brother and Mother), I got a part-time job at a health food and supplement store. It was a struggle for me to work with the public because I am quite introverted and although I did like many aspects of my job and helping people, it also drained me of energy. I worked there for a little over a year, I think.

Anyway, a lot of terrible things have happened in the space of time from then to now, which I won't go into right now. But I realized way back at some point, that there must be a term for what I was feeling... lack of compassion, not caring anymore, anger, frustration, hatred for my family, self-hatred, depression, extreme gut-wrenching sorrow, wanting to escape, escape fantasies, scrabbling for ideas to escape and to make easy money, etc.

I started researching (I always turn to researching because it's a way to try to make sense of WHY), and found that there is indeed a term for what I was feeling. It doesn't really help me in practical terms, because there's nothing I can do about it. But it does help to know that I am normal to feel the way I do, and that there are many, many people who also are going through the same thing.
*sadhug I understand this all too well... I lost my mom in May and now have no more family support left. (my sister doesnt count)I had inherited her house,
via beneficiary deed. However, as she has so much medical debt I was forced to sell it (with the help of my manipulative sister to force me into it) and so I had to move out and was facing homelessness. I lost what could have been my little home, that I grew up in since childhood.
My sister bullied me into it, during a time of grief and poor judgment. very bad judgement. But I was battling suicidality after she passed and my sister abused this. It was 3 days after my mom passed.
I feel like the biggest idiot on earth and I have lost everything this year. Its only me and my cat now.
I managed to find a roommate online. my aunt refused to let me stay at her empty house and pay rent.
A childhood friend refused to help me too. No one came to visit my mom during hospice. No one has called or sent a card. Not even her church friends or her sister. Who mom always said would be there for us. Radio silence.

But I definitely understand what you mean by Compassion Fatigue. I caregived for both my parents, without my sisters help. for years.
I gave up school and work for them. My dad had ALS disease which paralyzes you. It was intnese caregiving.
I am sorry you have to face this stuff now. Its been a hellish 2021 for me as well. *sadhug if you want to talk, I wouldnt mind... Take care of yourself..
 
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Velveteen Bunny

Well-Known Member
#15
*sadhug I understand this all too well... I lost my mom in May and now have no more family support left. (my sister doesnt count)I had inherited her house,
via beneficiary deed. However, as she has so much medical debt I was forced to sell it (with the help of my manipulative sister to force me into it) and so I had to move out and was facing homelessness. I lost what could have been my little home, that I grew up in since childhood.
My sister bullied me into it, during a time of grief and poor judgment. very bad judgement. But I was battling suicidality after she passed and my sister abused this. It was 3 days after my mom passed.
I feel like the biggest idiot on earth and I have lost everything this year. Its only me and my cat now.
I managed to find a roommate online. my aunt refused to let me stay at her empty house and pay rent.
A childhood friend refused to help me too. No one came to visit my mom during hospice. No one has called or sent a card. Not even her church friends or her sister. Who mom always said would be there for us. Radio silence.

But I definitely understand what you mean by Compassion Fatigue. I

caregived for both my parents, without my sisters help. for years.
I gave up school and work for them. My dad had ALS disease which paralyzes you. It was intnese caregiving.
I am sorry you have to face this stuff now. Its been a hellish 2021 for me as well. *sadhug if you want to talk, I wouldnt mind... Take care of yourself..
Wow, I am so sorry you had to go through all that, I am horrified how family treat each other. My family is much the same, and ironically the ones who are willing to help me in a gentle and kind way are the ones who live far away. Can I pm you?
 

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