confession

[k4waii.ari]

god...this is something I really didn't wanna post but I have to get it out.
when I was 6, I was abused for a year and after that when I was 7 I would watch porn very often.
After this, it started getting repetitive and I wanted more of a rush. I started going on websites and showing and sending pictures of myself to adults. I am disgusted now by it and I hate myself that I did that. i did this from 8-12. I willingly also told them I was underage because I knew that made it better for them. I'm sure my pictures are somewhere out there, me as a child willingly exposing myself.
I feel like no other person who has been abused has experienced this before because what CHILD a very young child goes on the expose their selves to people knowing their intentions. I also developed a rape kink when I was around these ages and I don't know why. I liked the idea of an older person taking advantage of me. I really don't know why I had these thoughts and actions and I still think about it to this day. I am disgusted now by all of the things I did and I don't know if there's even a word for it or anything.
I'm sorry if this made you uncomfortable I just really had to get it out.

 

[LumberJack]

I am so very sad that this happened to you. You did not deserve that. You deserve to be safe and respected with human dignity. I think I may understand the way you feel, and I also see that those feelings are actually healthy. It’s a fcked up situation, so it is natural to have negative feelings about it.

I don’t know what would help for you, but in my case, education on trauma response put a context around what happened to me and how I responded. Knowing that it is a consistent human behavior did much to relieve my shame.

I used to be in addiction treatment specifically for my risky behavior in expressing my sexuality. We had a group therapy once a week that was totally voluntary, but run by the therapist, so we all were clients of his. I learned there that what you described is a really common outcome for people who are abused as children. There’s even a specific term for it: trauma reenactment.

In my case I also developed a rape and sexual violence fetish where I was the victim. I didn’t want to admit that, but I just wanted to let you know that it’s understandable. Tragic, yes, and I am also familiar with the guilt and shame that I developed when I matured and realized my behavior was not only unhealthy, but also attracted unhealthy and dangerous people into my life. Hence the therapy with a certified sex addiction therapist.

In short, please know that all your feelings are valid and that you are not alone, by a long shot. All of our stories are unique, but nonetheless there are some repeating patterns that seem to be due to a common human nature. I hope that you are safe now and that you are able to remain that way.

 

[LumberJack]

PS - I am now feeling like I may have over shared. I apologize if any of that was triggering in any way.

 

[may71]

I'm sorry that you went through this.

I don't think it's possible for a child to go through a year of abuse at such a young age without that having profound negative effects. It sounds to me like watching porn at such a young age and sending pictures of yourself to adults was something that was direct result of having been abused. I don't think you would have done those things at all if you hadn't been abused.

Please be gentle with yourself.

 

[k4waii.ari]

I am so very sad that this happened to you. You did not deserve that. You deserve to be safe and respected with human dignity. I think I may understand the way you feel, and I also see that those feelings are actually healthy. It’s a fcked up situation, so it is natural to have negative feelings about it.

I don’t know what would help for you, but in my case, education on trauma response put a context around what happened to me and how I responded. Knowing that it is a consistent human behavior did much to relieve my shame.

I used to be in addiction treatment specifically for my risky behavior in expressing my sexuality. We had a group therapy once a week that was totally voluntary, but run by the therapist, so we all were clients of his. I learned there that what you described is a really common outcome for people who are abused as children. There’s even a specific term for it: trauma reenactment.

In my case I also developed a rape and sexual violence fetish where I was the victim. I didn’t want to admit that, but I just wanted to let you know that it’s understandable. Tragic, yes, and I am also familiar with the guilt and shame that I developed when I matured and realized my behavior was not only unhealthy, but also attracted unhealthy and dangerous people into my life. Hence the therapy with a certified sex addiction therapist.

In short, please know that all your feelings are valid and that you are not alone, by a long shot. All of our stories are unique, but nonetheless there are some repeating patterns that seem to be due to a common human nature. I hope that you are safe now and that you are able to remain that way.

thank you for sharing with me. it is not over sharing, and it is not triggering, but thank you for being concerned. Knowing that there is a word for this and this is common makes me feel a lot better.
I always thought there was something wrong with me because of all of this, and the way I dealt with it. I'm so glad ive been able to get this out, because this is something I have never told any therapist in my life because I was too afraid they were going to do something to my parents for not paying attention enough to the point where they couldn't spot that I was doing these things online. I was also afraid that I would get in big trouble, and yea. i still havent told anyone except on here. I feel very safe and connected here with others and I'm glad I can trust you guys <3

 

[Gonz]

I’m gonna tell you a thing about me, I’ve mentioned it here before but don’t talk a lot about it.

When I was 8, I was sexually assaulted in a public bathroom. This concluded with the perpetrator putting a belt around my neck and choking me while threatening me.

Decades later, I told my future wife about it. After she said all the right things and had some time to think, she asked “So is this why you like being choked when we…?” (I’m sure you know what she was talking about).

There was this realization that washed over me, as two things that should have been connected from the start became inextricably linked.

Point is, in my layman’s understanding, SA scrambles the brain such that we often act in ways that are reflective of the abuse. Sometimes without even realizing the connection. But, as long as you are not harming anyone else, then give yourself some grace.

You were fucked with at formative age, and it gave you some bad instincts. Maybe (probably) you should see a therapist about it.

But the fact that it causes people to act out in unhealthy ways is the whole reason we as a society are as opposed to it as we are. That it would affect you in some way is entirely predictable. Go easy on yourself.

 

[may71]

this is something I have never told any therapist in my life because I was too afraid they were going to do something to my parents for not paying attention enough to the point where they couldn't spot that I was doing these things online. I was also afraid that I would get in big trouble, and yea. i still havent told anyone except on here

I don't think there would be any trouble for you or your parents if you talked to a therapist about this. Maybe you could ask a therapist about any potential actions they could take based on what you told them, so you'd know what to expect. I hope you will talk to a therapist about this if you feel like it would help.