Conflict

[dying_inside]

I have a conflict between

WANTS
WISHES
THOUGHTS
NEEDS
FEELINGS

they regard death, suicide but also many other things in my life.

I have a hard time making them match and go together. how is it possible and why? and how can i solve this conflict?

i'll make an example that hopefully wont trigger anyone:

i WANT to want to have kids. but i dont want them.
i WISH i had kids. but im glad i dont.
i THINK it would be nice to have kids, but concrete thinking tells me not to have them
as a 40yo woman i feel some need to have kids, but i dont
FEELINGS are the ones telling me its better i dont have kids

my mind, my body, my feelings are all in conflict and i dont know how is that possible, why and what to do about it?

but i know usually FEELINGS win, so im listening to them. but what about the rest?

am i doomed to be unhappy my whole life because these things dont match?

PLEASE, HAS ANYONE AN ANSWER? OR SIMILAR PROBLEMS?

 

[1964dodge]

i don't have an answer @dying_inside wanting and yearning for children is probably your subconcious reminding you of your biological clock ticking down, especially at 40. you should sit down and seriously consifer both sides of the argument, and relatively soon while there is still time for a decision. there are a lot of people that don't have children and are perfectly happy.

if you decide it's best to not have children there are some options. you can join big brother/sister and mentor a youth, spend time with nieces and nephews if you have any or frends children, you could also foster children. there is a big need for foster children. just try to be true to yourself

mike....

 

[dying_inside]

i don't have an answer @dying_inside wanting and yearning for children is probably your subconcious reminding you of your biological clock ticking down, especially at 40. you should sit down and seriously consifer both sides of the argument, and relatively soon while there is still time for a decision. there are a lot of people that don't have children and are perfectly happy.

if you decide it's best to not have children there are some options. you can join big brother/sister and mentor a youth, spend time with nieces and nephews if you have any or frends children, you could also foster children. there is a big need for foster children. just try to be true to yourself

mike....

Thank you Mike for trying to answer but the problem here is not the one of the example. i used it not to get into too many details about my suicide thoughts/feelings/plan.

i was wondering how is it possible to have such contrasting feelings and thoughts and wants and needs but in regard to SUICIDE.

(and more in general about everything else)

 

[may71]

I have a hard time making them match and go together. how is it possible and why? and how can i solve this conflict?

I think you can try to find a new way when you can't resolve a conflict.


About the specific example of having children:

If you're suicidal, I think it's generally not a good idea to have biological children, because having a kid can be very physically demanding, and it's also very demanding to raise and care for them. I'm not saying it can't be done, but I think pretty much every parent agrees that being a parent is not easy.

Being an adoptive or foster parent might be a good option. It's important though to try to get to a place where you're able to take care of yourself so that you'll be able to care for a child.

Another option might be to work or volunteer in a child care setting if that would give you some positive experiences with children without the level of commitment involved in being a parent.

So that's an example of taking a different approach when an issue can't otherwise be resolved.

 

[Paul1963]

I have a conflict between

WANTS
WISHES
THOUGHTS
NEEDS
FEELINGS

they regard death, suicide but also many other things in my life.

I have a hard time making them match and go together. how is it possible and why? and how can i solve this conflict?

i'll make an example that hopefully wont trigger anyone:

i WANT to want to have kids. but i dont want them.
i WISH i had kids. but im glad i dont.
i THINK it would be nice to have kids, but concrete thinking tells me not to have them
as a 40yo woman i feel some need to have kids, but i dont
FEELINGS are the ones telling me its better i dont have kids

my mind, my body, my feelings are all in conflict and i dont know how is that possible, why and what to do about it?

but i know usually FEELINGS win, so im listening to them. but what about the rest?

am i doomed to be unhappy my whole life because these things dont match?

PLEASE, HAS ANYONE AN ANSWER? OR SIMILAR PROBLEMS?

I think that it is a battle between hormonal driven thoughts, and logic driven thoughts. These two are always at war. The eternal conflict within. Wanting kids may be hormonal driven, for example your biological clock. Also, because of your age you may also be thinking that time is running out. There is also the gamble of how having a child would make you feel. It may be a wonderful thing, and even improve your mental health. But then again, it could go the other way and be a nightmare. Sorry I don't have any real answers here.

 

[dying_inside]

Thank you everyone for responding, maybe the example i made was misleading, i just didnt know how to explain things better without going too much into details about my real situation.
i'll try to work through it today.
Thank you again

 

[Paul1963]

Sometimes it is a monumental task to try and express yourself. But I hope you manage to convey how you really feel, and what you really mean etc sometime in the future. Sorry if I wasn't much help to you. 🤗

 

[dying_inside]

Here's what i came up with:

STEP 1
I want to die when my thoughts and feelings are in harmony.
right now, I think I want to die but I don’t feel it.
the other day I was feeling like doing it but I thought it was better not to on that day.
I want to go when thoughts and feelings agree.

STEP 2
My plan establishes that to achieve step 1, I have to feel the worst possible, so I have to move in that direction.
for this reason, I quit my meds, im quitting seeing therapists and docs, im quitting the healthcare system services and im planning on being left alone, without meds, feeling like going crazy.
This will allow me to feel the worst possible. (along with other life situations)

STEP 3
in spite of how bad im feeling and have felt all my life, im starting to see its possible to face and cope with things in life, with the right help.
Then why would I want to die in first place?

STEP 4
it should be a choice, but at this point I can see I want to go when it will feel like a necessity.
NECESSITY.

maybe that’s the answer I was looking for.
thank you for making me think out loud.
am I making any sense to you?

 

[Windhover]

Yes @dying_inside I have some 90 ton conflicts. My life is a sttange illustration of conflict, especially if I was to tell my whole story. I can't do that because it'd be too much and some involves people so there's privacy issues.
I guess the shortest respomse I can give is that you are a good person whose got the right heart for following. Whatever we do in life is hard & brings conflicts and obstacles. There isn't anyone who escapes without them, so if you can, grab for something that seems right and true for you. Stay around and keep talking about things. We're here in this sort of together on sf.

hugs

 

[Paul1963]

I honestly think that all the planning in the world rarely does any good. Our future plans often have a way of changing at a later date. We may feel very different at a later stage in life, somewhere in the near future.
I know the method I will use when it eventually comes down to it, IF ,it ever comes down to it. I'm convinced that it will happen when I have finally broken for good. That point where you just literally snap, and just do it on the spur of the moment. No planning, no thinking, just reaction. Like you say in step 4: It may happen when it ONLY becomes an absolute necessity.
I think trying to leave otherwise will be difficult.
I hope this is of some help to you and makes any sense. Big hugs.

 

[dying_inside]

Thank you both for answering.

in my life i have attempted both with planning and without.

my problem here is that a little planning is necessary for me. i can not just do it, for different reasons.

 

[Paul1963]

Do you really know what it is that makes you want to die ?
Can you name the main problem, the one that causes you the most pain ?
I can cope with having been abused, and a lifetime of mental illness, because I just accept it now because it will obviously always be there. But the one thing that makes me desire to leave so much is an overwhelming feeling of existential crisis. This world just isn't for me. I have never liked it, nor ever will. 🤗

 

[dying_inside]

i hate life, my life. everything in it. theres nothing that makes me happy, nothing i feel is worth enough living for.
i hate myself. the way i think and feel all the time about anything.
the constant mental battle and struggle in my head that drives me crazy is really why i wanna do it.
i do not have a second in the day when i feel relaxed or at peace.
today im full of anxiety, cant stay still a moment, walking back and forth all the time wishing it was over.
i feel like crying, screaming, being sedated, i took some sleeping pills but they dont work.
i have never peace. never.

 

[iloverachel]

i hate life, my life. everything in it. theres nothing that makes me happy, nothing i feel is worth enough living for.
i hate myself. the way i think and feel all the time about anything.
the constant mental battle and struggle in my head that drives me crazy is really why i wanna do it.
i do not have a second in the day when i feel relaxed or at peace.
today im full of anxiety, cant stay still a moment, walking back and forth all the time wishing it was over.
i feel like crying, screaming, being sedated, i took some sleeping pills but they dont work.
i have never peace. never.

I feel your pain my friend. I am so sorry you are feeling like this

 

[dying_inside]

Thank you my friend

 

[Paul1963]

Nothing makes you happy.
Is it because you are suffering from Anhedonia like I am.
Or is it because there is nothing, or nobody in your life that makes you happy ?
Do you really hate yourself ?
Or do you just hate the way your illness makes you feel ?
In other words your illness makes you hate yourself.
Is SOME of your illness caused by a biological factor, such as hormonal imbalance. Have you been tested for this ? Because I know that this can cause, or make mental illness symptoms worse.
Or is it purely psychological ?
I would do anything to help you if I could. Anything.
I'm so sorry that your sleeping tablets are not working. I hope you can get some that work for you.
Lots of love to you. 🤗

 

[dying_inside]

@Paul1963 ,

Nothing makes me happy because theres nothing to make me happy. and even what would or could, i miniminze it or im plainly angry at it because i cant feel anything good even if i know i should.

yes i hate myself. i dont believe depression makes me hate myself. i hate myself because theres nothing good in me, i failed at everything and i dont deserve anything good. im the worst person.

i dont know if it also biological or not.

i super tired today, angry, sad, missing people, tired, tired, tired.

Lots of love to you and thank you for your continuous support.

 

[Paul1963]

It really hurts me to hear you say that there is nothing good in you.
Really ?
Are you serious ?
How can you say something like that ?
You were an athlete, a superb swimmer.
You went to university.
You are OBVIOUSLY gifted.

You are the most intelligent, compassionate person I know.
I can see only good in you.

Is it your fault that certain things failed ?
NO, of course not.
It was the fault of your illness.
If you had not been ill, then things would very likely have been different.
The illness is to blame. NOT you.

You say you don't deserve anything.
I say that you deserve to be happy, to be loved, to be cared for.
To live.
You cannot possibly be the worst person.
That could never be true.

You are such a beautiful person but you just don't see the good in yourself.
I so wish that you could.
I really do, more than you can imagine.

I can tell that you are having a really bad day. And I am so, so sorry.
I will help you in any way that I can, and I am always here for you.
I thank you for your support yesterday. It meant a lot that you were there for me.
Big hugs.

 

[dying_inside]

It really hurts me to hear you say that there is nothing good in you.
Really ?
Are you serious ?
How can you say something like that ?
You were an athlete, a superb swimmer.
You went to university.
You are OBVIOUSLY gifted.

You are the most intelligent, compassionate person I know.
I can see only good in you.

Is it your fault that certain things failed ?
NO, of course not.
It was the fault of your illness.
If you had not been ill, then things would very likely have been different.
The illness is to blame. NOT you.

You say you don't deserve anything.
I say that you deserve to be happy, to be loved, to be cared for.
To live.
You cannot possibly be the worst person.
That could never be true.

You are such a beautiful person but you just don't see the good in yourself.
I so wish that you could.
I really do, more than you can imagine.

I can tell that you are having a really bad day. And I am so, so sorry.
I will help you in any way that I can, and I am always here for you.
I thank you for your support yesterday. It meant a lot that you were there for me.
Big hugs.

THANK YOU PAUL,
And it means a lot to me that you're always here for me.
yes im having a bad day, im sorry.

i am a bad daughter, sister, friend, student, athlete, worker, patient... more generally a bad person.
of course it was my fault if i failed, at every thing mentioned above.
its about who i am, not who i am with depression.
and i dont deserve anything good because i hate life so i dont deserve it or the good it in.

THANK YOU FOR HELPING ME SO MUCH
YOU ARE A RARE GEM.
Love and hugs to you

 

[iloverachel]

THANK YOU PAUL,
And it means a lot to me that you're always here for me.
yes im having a bad day, im sorry.

i am a bad daughter, sister, friend, student, athlete, worker, patient... more generally a bad person.
of course it was my fault if i failed, at every thing mentioned above.
its about who i am, not who i am with depression.
and i dont deserve anything good because i hate life so i dont deserve it or the good it in.

THANK YOU FOR HELPING ME SO MUCH
YOU ARE A RARE GEM.
Love and hugs to you

You are a good friend and good person in my eyes

Im sure you are a good daughter student athlwte too