Constantly afraid of physical abuse from dad

[Prussia]

Yup. That. Yay, I'm yet another one of thousands of peopls who have "daddy issues". Just like Star Lord's entire new movie!!!
I'm being slightly sarcastic, but I know that it can be a very serious problem and I don't take this topic lightly.

My dad and I dont get along much. He's a pretty standard dad. Works all the time, only comes home to eat and sleep. Weekends he's outdoors doing stuff. He's also typical in that 'I'm always right and if you talk back I'll punish you' way. Like if I even call him out for taking his anger out on my mom or siblings, he's right and I'm the one who's a dick. And my grandparents and mom and shit even take his side. Fucking ridiculous. He has a serious anger issue and I'm literally always worried he's going to scream at me and hit me when he's around. He hasn't resorted to physical violence yet (because apparently thats the only kind of thing my mom actually has a problem with), but I know he's a time bomb.

So today, we got into another arguement about dinner or something and he literally screamed at me "do you wanna go?!" Aka "fight me." Hes over 6ft and idk weight things, but I've been called a stick my entire life so if he hits me once there's a good chance I'd die. If I didnt, the medical expenses would keep me under his thumb the rest of my life. Yaaaaay.....
I got his short temper (which I've been managing my entire life because I dont want to be him) and screamed back "wait 10 minutes and I'll be done cooking and out of your hair" or something and he stormed out.

This happens more than is normal. Every few months probably. I have no patience for him swinging his dick around and screaming at us. So to speak. And I'm stupid enough (though I call it courage XD) to keep calling him on his shit. Which means I often leave the house terrified that when I come back he'll have destroyed my stuff or something else dumb.

I'm trying to move out of state so I can seperate from them as much as possible but the job market isnt letting that happen fast enough. I'm scared to go home tonight and be there at all tomorrow. I dont have a lock on my door (parents forbid them) but I dont want to be anywhere near him. They leave for a week on Sunday so I just have to make a plan for the one day and like 3 nights. But my closest friend is 3 hours away, I left in a hurry so didnt exactly pack, and dont want to bother anyone or explain this to them. They wont look at me or my family the same again. Idk what to do but I dont want to go home and have him be passive aggressive all of tomorrow. After 23 years of that shit, I'm not tolerant of it much anymore. :P

What do I do? Idk where to go. And no one else will help me fix things at home. Maybe I'll just sleep in the car.

 

[may71]

Sorry to hear that you are going through this Prussia.

www.hotpeachpages.net has world-wide network of domestic abuse-related resources. They might be able to help.

For the US and Canada, you can call 211 or visit www.211.org
They can help with housing, employment, and a number of other issues.

I'm not sure if leaving or trying to make your current home environment safer is the best way to go

 

[ashleyneedshope29]

Prussia you do not deserve that at all by your father. Have you checked to see if there are any women's shelters available in your area. I want you to be safe I dont think that it would be a good idea to go back there. If you need anything dont hesitate to message me or pm me. Please be safe and take care of your self please.

 

[dtc]

You know he's in the wrong, you know he's just venting his insecurities as he's not man enough to deal with them, so personally I just stay away from him as much as you can, and not call him out to his face while your looking for a job that will take you out of the state.

Come on here and vent, call out his hypocritical ways , but if saying it at home is resulting in verbal, and possiable physical abuse, I just don't think it's worth it.

Take care

 

[Kira]

I agree with @dtc . Just try to keep your distance and hold your tongue while you are at home with him. I totally understand that the way he is treating you is wrong but unfortunately when you live under his roof, it's his rules.
Also, my father was both verbally and physically violent so if you can prevent him from lashing out more I'd definitely say to do that. Please take care.

 

[Prussia]

I used to do that but I know I'm not the only one with this problem, like you @Kira75, and allowing him to continue only says to those around me that I'm okay with his actions. I know enough about toxic masculinity and misogyny to know that it's hurting him too and he needs to stop! If I can't fix it in my own family, how can I make a fix it on the whole and help keep it from happening to more people? I can't sleep at night pretending things are okay.

 

[dtc]

Only you can make that call @Prussia , just try to not put yourself in harms way.

 

[Prussia]

So he's leaving for like a week, which makes me feel a lot better, but I'm considering installing a simple lock on my bedroom door while he's gone? It'll let me sleep not in constant alert mode at night, but idk if it'd just be escalating the problem? This is new territory for me so if anyone has suggestions I'd appreciate it.

 

[dtc]

Would pushing a chair up against it so it can't be opened without make a lot of noise be of any benefit? That way there's not physical evidence that you're protecting yourself once it's gone, but if he comes in you'll know it'll wake you up.

 

[Prussia]

Would pushing a chair up against it so it can't be opened without make a lot of noise be of any benefit? That way there's not physical evidence that you're protecting yourself once it's gone, but if he comes in you'll know it'll wake you up.

I've tried doing something similar before but my mind just stays alert listening for the chair rather than truly resting when I'm asleep. I can't remember the last time I got a full night's rest.

 

[Lara_C]

At age 23, its not right that your dad should enter your personal space uninvited. You're right when you say he is hurting himself by hurting his family, but you're not in any position to change him or protect your mom. And frankly you are not responsible for anyone except yourself. I think you should put that lock on your door, and also try to avoid contact and conflict with him until you're in a position to move out. Disengage as much as you can for now.

 

[may71]

It's probably best to talk to a domestic abuse counselor about this, and the link I gave above might help you get in contact.

We can can guess what the right thing to do is, but there's no substitute for an understanding of real-world situations.

You could put a rubber door stopper under your door at night

 

[Prussia]

They came back from a vacation on Tuesday, and I did my best to be interested and interact but was met with mean and grumpy. Great start. :P
My mom asked me, while my dad was out, why I didn't get him anything for Father's day and I explained how I have been feeling about him over the years. She said that her parents weren't great either but the positive memories always made up for the negative. I told her I don't have any positive memories from the last 10 years at least and I'm not going to get him something and pretend things are okay because society made a holiday that says I have to.
My younger brother mentioned some of his issues with my dad's anger problem as well and she started to give in. She still told me that him wanting to quit his job would be less likely if I gave him something, but I've been living in fear for too long. My brother has suggested anger management or just therapy in general to help my dad a number of times over the years and I told her I think it's a good solution.
I've yet to really interact with him since he got back and I plan to keep it that way. I get the feeling that the word "therapy" will make him explode due to biases about it. This week will be an adventure.

 

[Human Ex Machinae]

It sounds like your family revolves around Dad. His moods, his feelings, his whims. He's the sun and everyone else revolves around him. It seems you're already aware of the fact that you have the power and ability to opt out of that and start focusing on your own feelings, moods and whims. They're more valid than his because they're yours. So keep going with that, it's the right direction.

 

[Prussia]

Thanks @HumanExMachina.

 

[DrownedFishOnFire]

Verbal mental and physical abuse from parents isn't nothing new for me but just saying you're 23 you have the choice to move on. Their rules if you're not paying rent but if you are paying rent your room is a parent free zone and that includes locks

 

[Prussia]

Update: I think I mentioned it, but I talked to my mom and younger brother a bit about this problem I have with my dad a while ago. Apparently, that was the end of the discussion since he came in today, at 2am (he works at like 5am) to talk to me about how I haven't had a single conversation with him in a while.

This is long so grab a snack and water if you need it. :P

I let him speak his mind first so he couldn't accuse me of not listening and to try to figure out what he wanted. He wanted to know what was up, essentially, so then I told him that I've been afraid of him for years and don't feel like I can safely live in the house, how only my room makes me feel mildly safer, and so forth. He claimed that my assumptions were skewed about him and how he's never been a violent person. I'm paraphrasing, bear with me. I said it's not an assumption, it's how I feel because of his actions and he has thrown things when he gets upset so it wasn't as much of a stretch as he may think for me to worry for my own safety. He accused me of "sneaking out of the house" and was amazed that no one had said anything over the years. I honestly said it was because nothing he'd done made me think I could be honest with him about my emotions. He kept saying my imagination was running away with me and used the phrase "you skewed things" a lot. I asked him straight out if he was calling me insane, since he used every word but, and he said "no......" and went back to "skewed". He didn't seem to want to understand, just vent about why I was at fault. I got very upset at that and (I'll admit stupidly) tried to get him to leave my room since he wasn't going to listen. Go figure, he didn't like being thrown out of a room in his house and I couldn't really do anything about it.
But my action did seem to make him listen a bit more. I told him how his actions toward me are the reason I want to move out of the whole damn state, and he actually asked if I had ideas for a solution. I said that both myself and my younger brother thought anger counseling was a good thing for him to do and that we had sent suggestions for one to the email he shared with my mom. For some reason his work email doesn't work for me, and that was a few months ago, and maybe a year or two before now too. She never told him about them.
He said he was concerned that his own kids would want to run out of the state to escape him and how we couldn't even send him an email. I made it as clear as I could, idk if he listened, that I didn't speak for my siblings, just me. When he finally left, I tried to be polite since he seemed to at least be thinking about things and said "good night," to which he responded "yeah, I'll sleep real well now."
He also mentioned a few other topics in the middle that irked me but I tried to stick to the main problem and not fight for a few hours.

So now I'm not sure what to do. Sticking to my current schedule of doing stuff at home and then leaving to hang out or do work in town in the evening so I don't have to interact with him would be physically safest. But it could cause an even worse version of what happened at 2am today and he'll just wait and seek me out. But I'm a stubborn bitch who isn't fond of 'playing house' and having dinner while we chat about the weather and pretend things are ok just to make him feel better. However, making him feel better might make my life easier even if I have to live with more moments of terror.
What do I do? I have no idea. I'm hoping to start expediting a plan to move but it won't happen instantly. I'm out of my league and would love advice. I hope none of you have this much drama this week.

 

[dtc]

I think it would be good to have some time where these things could be discussed as a family if it is impacting you all. Maybe try a dinner and rather than small talk and pretending it's all OK, ask him if he'd had chance to think any more about what you both had discussed?

If this doesn't go well you can always go back to your current schedule, but I think having other times when this stuff can be talked about would reduce the risk of you having to deal with him one on one in the early hours of the morning.

 

[Prussia]

I think it would be good to have some time where these things could be discussed as a family if it is impacting you all. Maybe try a dinner and rather than small talk and pretending it's all OK, ask him if he'd had chance to think any more about what you both had discussed?

If this doesn't go well you can always go back to your current schedule, but I think having other times when this stuff can be talked about would reduce the risk of you having to deal with him one on one in the early hours of the morning.

While I appreciate the advice, I'll admit I'm not sure how that will help since he seems pretty firm in his belief that my views are wrong and I'm treating him unfairly. I don't know why he wouldn't react the same way. And now I'm worried all of the time instead of getting a break when he's asleep. What would that sort of conversation help? How would I go about it in a way that would make things different? I'm just curious since I feel like I'm missing something in what you suggest. ^^;

 

[dtc]

It would need your brother and mother to also participate for it to be of any value, that way it's not just about you and him, it's about how he's impacting the whole family. It seems that he's at least giving these things some though at the moment, yes he's being very defensive about it but most people are when it's an issue with them, so if the three of you can just explain to him how it's negativity impacting the whole household, he may start to come round to recognising that he does need to change.