I have crashed into a deep depression, it came over me so quickly. I have never had depression creep up on me this fast before. I have been relatively fine for a while, yet tonight about 4 hours ago, a massive black cloud of nausea, anxiety, terrible urges and loneliness landed on me. I feel physically sick, just waiting to puke up. I have no idea what triggered this episode, nothing has changed in my life and I have been compliant with meds for a long while now. I feel so alone with nobody who understands to talk to. I don't think that i'll attempt but I do feel that way. I just want to me normal, to not need medication to function and to be able to maintain relationships with people. I should know how to address these feelings, after all its been apart of me since I was 17. I have no pills other than my meds, I have no alcohol in the house, I have nothing to use to hang myself.....my house is suicide proof. I have no energy to go out the house, I suppose that is a good thing. I want to be able to cry and have a shoulder to cry on. Thing is though, I haven't cried in years and also, as The Cure said 'boys dont cry'. Why do we bother, nothing ever changes for the better? I don't see the point of continuing with such a mundane and uninspiring life. I kid myself that I am managing quite well, when in reality I am not. My psychiatrist is useless, I just can't talk openly with her and I have so much I want to get off my chest. All they care about is that you are 'stable' on your meds. They couldn't give a shit about how crap your life is. I hate them all. Life sucks, my life sucks, I have so much hate in me, its all black and evil. Why?