Hi, I'm posting this thread here because I'm one step away from getting my affairs in order, making a will, and attempting suicide again. I have no one else to talk too.
My main issue with life and people in it is that it seems that so many don't care about what should be important (being there for other people who need it) and instead choose to mentally 'check out' or ignore serious issues when others are counting on them to be there. They also continually enable bad behavior of those who continue to hurt others, I think because it's easier than dealing with it properly which requires courage and conflicting situations. Let me explain.
I used to be much worse at dealing with anger, but over the years have come to learn and practice a new word called 'tolerance' which means you don't necessarily approve of what's going on, you just tolerate it temporarily for a greater purpose. That said, I don't think there are some things in life that should ever be tolerated with good reason, because I can see how they directly hurt others deeply and I can't just let that go. Some of the things I can't tolerate are greed or self-preservation at the expense of others who have nothing to do with it and will suffer and die because of it. I also can't tolerate others living a lie or delusion and not only that, then they expect you to feed their delusion or bad behavior and I won't do that because I know the long-term damage it does. I also like to talk about and be honest with serious problems, but some just clam up and refuse to talk through issues and keep everything to themselves, which does not lead to anything good. Over the years this has made me cynical and indifferent to what happens, like "They don't care, what's the point?". It makes me feel useless, pointless existence just continuing to live some sick game that has no real purpose other than suffering. I just wish I could make some people see that if you just cared a little more about yourself and others around you in life, that it would make things better for everyone. Some people surprisingly wouldn't take that much to feel good again; a little financial help here, a little empathy there, just talk to them honestly, no games, no more hiding/pretending, make them feel remembered and appreciated, etc. yet they never receive it for whatever reason.
My sister who is in bad health just had her birthday yesterday and it may be her last so I decided to make it a good one, visiting her with gifts and making her feel appreciated, asking how she is and meaning it. I tried to get my parents to come there and it seems they have just mentally checked out. I already come from an abusive background with my father as seen in some of my other posts, and he has hardly been there for both my sister and me throughout the years to the point I don't really love him anymore. I've tried hard to make a relationship but I've given up being so frustrated by this attitude from him. Like it's so hard to come visit someone on their birthday or even pick up the phone. And I ask, "Why even be alive then if we're just going to ignore/resent each other and play this stupid game of let's pretend what's really happening?" But that's not just in my family, that attitude or outlook is in society in general. "Let's just keep ignoring everything; money, possessions, and superficial happiness is the most important."
The closer I get to the end I realize that money, possessions, and delusions mean nothing, it's what you did for others that matters the most, making a positive difference in any way you can. I'm thinking it's time to check out now, nobody cares anymore except some who I will probably never know in this lifetime who will soon join me too because no one helped them. And that makes me extremely sad, disappointed, and angry. It didn't have to be this way.
My main issue with life and people in it is that it seems that so many don't care about what should be important (being there for other people who need it) and instead choose to mentally 'check out' or ignore serious issues when others are counting on them to be there. They also continually enable bad behavior of those who continue to hurt others, I think because it's easier than dealing with it properly which requires courage and conflicting situations. Let me explain.
I used to be much worse at dealing with anger, but over the years have come to learn and practice a new word called 'tolerance' which means you don't necessarily approve of what's going on, you just tolerate it temporarily for a greater purpose. That said, I don't think there are some things in life that should ever be tolerated with good reason, because I can see how they directly hurt others deeply and I can't just let that go. Some of the things I can't tolerate are greed or self-preservation at the expense of others who have nothing to do with it and will suffer and die because of it. I also can't tolerate others living a lie or delusion and not only that, then they expect you to feed their delusion or bad behavior and I won't do that because I know the long-term damage it does. I also like to talk about and be honest with serious problems, but some just clam up and refuse to talk through issues and keep everything to themselves, which does not lead to anything good. Over the years this has made me cynical and indifferent to what happens, like "They don't care, what's the point?". It makes me feel useless, pointless existence just continuing to live some sick game that has no real purpose other than suffering. I just wish I could make some people see that if you just cared a little more about yourself and others around you in life, that it would make things better for everyone. Some people surprisingly wouldn't take that much to feel good again; a little financial help here, a little empathy there, just talk to them honestly, no games, no more hiding/pretending, make them feel remembered and appreciated, etc. yet they never receive it for whatever reason.
My sister who is in bad health just had her birthday yesterday and it may be her last so I decided to make it a good one, visiting her with gifts and making her feel appreciated, asking how she is and meaning it. I tried to get my parents to come there and it seems they have just mentally checked out. I already come from an abusive background with my father as seen in some of my other posts, and he has hardly been there for both my sister and me throughout the years to the point I don't really love him anymore. I've tried hard to make a relationship but I've given up being so frustrated by this attitude from him. Like it's so hard to come visit someone on their birthday or even pick up the phone. And I ask, "Why even be alive then if we're just going to ignore/resent each other and play this stupid game of let's pretend what's really happening?" But that's not just in my family, that attitude or outlook is in society in general. "Let's just keep ignoring everything; money, possessions, and superficial happiness is the most important."
The closer I get to the end I realize that money, possessions, and delusions mean nothing, it's what you did for others that matters the most, making a positive difference in any way you can. I'm thinking it's time to check out now, nobody cares anymore except some who I will probably never know in this lifetime who will soon join me too because no one helped them. And that makes me extremely sad, disappointed, and angry. It didn't have to be this way.
