Depressed about visiting family for funeral.

[UrbanRose]

I was fighting depression and making some progress. Then my brother died of a drug overdose. I'll be traveling to join family in burying my brother. Being around my relatives hasn't felt too good last few times I was there. I'm starting to dread this trip.

Today is the third day of me sliding deeper into depression.

 

[Survivorist]

I do not know how close you have been to your brother - but if seeing your family makes you so sick and depressed I actually would be absent. My own experience is, that when my mother died, the funeral was something official and not related to my real feelings. Years later, when I visited her grave I could cry.

But its your call. Depends what is more important for you.

 

[Livelife]

May your brother Rest in Peace. I'm sorry for your loss.

Do what makes you feel best...there's no right or wrong. Putting up with interaction with family to be at graveside if that's an important desire for you. You didn't say how long you would have to be around them or if you could keep interaction with them to a minimum.

Take care and sending some hugs.

 

[UrbanRose]

I do not know how close you have been to your brother - but if seeing your family makes you so sick and depressed I actually would be absent. My own experience is, that when my mother died, the funeral was something official and not related to my real feelings. Years later, when I visited her grave I could cry.

But its your call. Depends what is more important for you.

It is very important to me to lay my brother's remains to rest. I loved him, and I'm heartbroken that I was unable to help him. He wouldn't let me.

I've been very alone, since my boyfriend died 4 years ago. A trip to visit family last year didn't go very well. I came back feeling even more alone. Since March, I've been seeing a psychologist and a therapist. I was starting to force myself to leave my apartment and find activities to participate in. I need to be around other people.

Progress was slow, but I knew what I needed to do. Then this happened. It kept me busy for awhile, making all the arrangements. I even was thinking it would be good to spend time with my sisters and their families. Now I'm remembering that being around them in the past hasn't always felt so good. Thinking this time will be different is probably a pipe dream.

There used to be other relatives who I could visit who seemed to value me. They've passed away. I miss them. They understood how my family was.

Right now there's no one I trust. I feel like I don't matter to anyone.

I won't let my brother's death not matter. I'll be there.

 

[UrbanRose]

May your brother Rest in Peace. I'm sorry for your loss.

Do what makes you feel best...there's no right or wrong. Putting up with interaction with family to be at graveside if that's an important desire for you. You didn't say how long you would have to be around them or if you could keep interaction with them to a minimum.

Take care and sending some hugs.

Thank you. Yes, being there to bury my brother is very important to me. I bought a one-way ticket.

I thought that, if we got along, it would be nice to stay visiting for awhile. I was imagining it being a time of us bonding closer. So I left when I would leave open.

Now I'm having major doubts about expecting to find any comfort from making this trip. Now I wish it was over with. Maybe I should buy a return ticket for leaving soon as possible after the burial.

I need a friend, but there isn't anyone.

 

[Survivorist]

Understood. I admire your strength. Do not let other people depress you. It is and will be hard enough. I wish you with all my heart that all goes in a good way - whatever it may be, Courage.

 

[Livelife]

It is very important to me to lay my brother's remains to rest. I loved him, and I'm heartbroken that I was unable to help him. He wouldn't let me.

I've been very alone, since my boyfriend died 4 years ago. A trip to visit family last year didn't go very well. I came back feeling even more alone. Since March, I've been seeing a psychologist and a therapist. I was starting to force myself to leave my apartment and find activities to participate in. I need to be around other people.

Progress was slow, but I knew what I needed to do. Then this happened. It kept me busy for awhile, making all the arrangements. I even was thinking it would be good to spend time with my sisters and their families. Now I'm remembering that being around them in the past hasn't always felt so good. Thinking this time will be different is probably a pipe dream.

There used to be other relatives who I could visit who seemed to value me. They've passed away. I miss them. They understood how my family was.

Right now there's no one I trust. I feel like I don't matter to anyone.

I won't let my brother's death not matter. I'll be there.

Bless you URose. You are going through so much right now. I don't have any caring family left, I know how that feels in regards to being alone and missing those that you did have a connection with. It sounds like you've been doing some good work the past months....Bravo. I'm glad to hear you are honoring yourself and your brother by going in person which you said was important for you.....that's all that matters with what has just happened. Very courageous of you too....Let us know how things are going...Hugs.

 

[ib4uib]

Sorry to hear about your brother, I was watching a Youtube video literally 10 minutes ago before coming here.
I kind of forgot about this place and maybe it was watching the video that triggered me to look in here.
Not sure if it helps in anyway, but I'll share it here as it kind of fits somehow!

 

[KM76710]

Sad to hear of the loss of your brother. Rest in Peace...

 

[Windhover]

I'm very sorry for your loss, @UrbanRose . I send thoughts for your brother's life and memories to matter for you and everyone who was close to him. It can take a long time for the shock and initial pain to become grieving.

I lost my brother too - also to drugs - it happened 7 years ago but seems less.

You're in control of when you've had enough of the relatives. I hopeyour travels go smoothly.

 

[UrbanRose]

Thank you for the posts above. Today was very hard. A cousin called and was very nice. That helped.

 

[MisterBGone]

It is very important to me to lay my brother's remains to rest. I loved him, and I'm heartbroken that I was unable to help him. He wouldn't let me.

I've been very alone, since my boyfriend died 4 years ago. A trip to visit family last year didn't go very well. I came back feeling even more alone. Since March, I've been seeing a psychologist and a therapist. I was starting to force myself to leave my apartment and find activities to participate in. I need to be around other people.

Progress was slow, but I knew what I needed to do. Then this happened. It kept me busy for awhile, making all the arrangements. I even was thinking it would be good to spend time with my sisters and their families. Now I'm remembering that being around them in the past hasn't always felt so good. Thinking this time will be different is probably a pipe dream.

There used to be other relatives who I could visit who seemed to value me. They've passed away. I miss them. They understood how my family was.

Right now there's no one I trust. I feel like I don't matter to anyone.

I won't let my brother's death not matter. I'll be there.

I am so sorry that you have lost two so very prominent and influential people, or figures, from out of your life (in the last little while).
It seems you've done a great & wonderful job, in combatting your depression. It is often a bit like, "pushing a rock up a hill..."
Although, this would be a bit of a curveball (to that premise), for sure~
I think it's great what you're doing (I'm sure your brother would appreciate that).
If it were me, and I was uncertain of the dynamics within family, and how volatile things may be, in terms of how they transpire when I am there - in other words, it were up in the air until I am there - what I might plan for, and tell everyone in advance; so the story goes, or would go, a little something like this: I can only be in town for the funeral, and then that is it (provided you don't want to throw in some minimal time sandwiched around the ceremony). I've got to get back to attend such & such, or some kind of prior or previously arranged commitment. WHICH* can be altered, should things go well--or better than anticpated/expected. So in other words, if things are going more as you'd hoped & dreamed, wanted & wished for. Then maybe you could say something like, "You know (what?). This can wait. I can re-schedule, or rearrange what I have lined up as you guys are more important to me, I'm having way too much of a good time. We now understand all how precious family togetherness is & all of that, or whatever, however you might want to say or phrase it, etc. All (which would be) "Good Problems," to have~*
So you sort of set your expectations moderately then, and play it by ear. There was a movie director years ago who lived in Texas. He said that when he had meetings in Los Angeles, he would schedule them in a very tight, and concise fashion (say over a couple, or a few days while he was in the city). Whereas, had he of / have lived there, in California. He might have had his appointments, pushed back & delayed due to convenience of time and location, and availability & all of that.
I hope things go well for you. And that your main reason, or emphasis for going, is satisfactory. And not too damaging for, or to you. I don't do well with (or at) funerals (myself).
Anyway... Have a good day/night!

 

[UrbanRose]

W

I am so sorry that you have lost two so very prominent and influential people, or figures, from out of your life (in the last little while).
It seems you've done a great & wonderful job, in combatting your depression. It is often a bit like, "pushing a rock up a hill..."
Although, this would be a bit of a curveball (to that premise), for sure~
I think it's great what you're doing (I'm sure your brother would appreciate that).
If it were me, and I was uncertain of the dynamics within family, and how volatile things may be, in terms of how they transpire when I am there - in other words, it were up in the air until I am there - what I might plan for, and tell everyone in advance; so the story goes, or would go, a little something like this: I can only be in town for the funeral, and then that is it (provided you don't want to throw in some minimal time sandwiched around the ceremony). I've got to get back to attend such & such, or some kind of prior or previously arranged commitment. WHICH* can be altered, should things go well--or better than anticpated/expected. So in other words, if things are going more as you'd hoped & dreamed, wanted & wished for. Then maybe you could say something like, "You know (what?). This can wait. I can re-schedule, or rearrange what I have lined up as you guys are more important to me, I'm having way too much of a good time. We now understand all how precious family togetherness is & all of that, or whatever, however you might want to say or phrase it, etc. All (which would be) "Good Problems," to have~*
So you sort of set your expectations moderately then, and play it by ear. There was a movie director years ago who lived in Texas. He said that when he had meetings in Los Angeles, he would schedule them in a very tight, and concise fashion (say over a couple, or a few days while he was in the city). Whereas, had he of / have lived there, in California. He might have had his appointments, pushed back & delayed due to convenience of time and location, and availability & all of that.
I hope things go well for you. And that your main reason, or emphasis for going, is satisfactory. And not too damaging for, or to you. I don't do well with (or at) funerals (myself).
Anyway... Have a good day/night!

I'm flying across the country to be with family to bury our brother. I haven't bought a return ticket yet because I want to keep options open. But I am thinking along the same lines as you suggest.

Once I get my trip underway, the movement of events will probably lift me up. But right now, I feel so awful.

I had dreamed of visiting for awhile and having a nice reunion with my sisters. That was probably a pipe dream. I can't depend on anything going along all that good. I'm prone to depression. My sisters know that. I learned long ago not to burden them with my problems. So I don't call them for support. I get the occasional text.

When life feels the way it does now, I just wish it were over. I don't pose any danger to myself. I just feel so tired. I stayed mostly in bed today. That's not good to do when depression is going on.

 

[UrbanRose]

I'm very sorry for your loss, @UrbanRose . I send thoughts for your brother's life and memories to matter for you and everyone who was close to him. It can take a long time for the shock and initial pain to become grieving.

I lost my brother too - also to drugs - it happened 7 years ago but seems less.

You're in control of when you've had enough of the relatives. I hopeyour travels go smoothly.

I'm sorry about the loss of your brother to drugs. I had not even known my brother was using drugs. Back when we were friendly, he drank and smoked weed. He did too much of both, but that was it.

I need some help. Today has been bad for me. Being all alone with grief is not good for anyone.

 

[MisterBGone]

I get what you're saying. It's difficult for others in our family to understand the full nature, and throes of depression & suicidal thoughts, or other kinds of severe mental illnesses, unless they've lived through, or with them - themselves.
It's so very easy, instead, to pass judgement... & "to think," that you know it all~
I felt like this (once) & I did that, and it took care of, or remedied it. Why can't you, or why can't you find your similar answer, as did I - once upon a time.
I'm guessing your sisters have families of their own. This only complicates, or exacerbates the dilemma, of forming some kind of ...bond? Or way in which you feel you have the right to connect with them (for we often feel that we are being selfish, by burdening them with our troubles). So if they have their hands tied up in other affairs, or family members of their own. If for no better reason, then. Than lack of available time for you, or us. We can't be a bother to them. And it is also (more) convenient for them. To not go to that extra mile that they otherwise might, in order to reach out & see how it is, that we are really doing? Truly!
Excuses, reasons, it doesn't matter which. Or even if it is none of those. That the barrier exists, or the gap is present, is all that matters, and all that remains, in reality. Maybe there is some way to change this dynamic in your relationship with your siblings? Perhaps this funeral for your Brother, might present a turning point, or a moment of crystallization, or crystal clear thinking, or bringing things into more laser focus. In terms of just how precious & fragile life is. We can be here & present in one moment, and gone in the next~*
Perhaps they will be exceeding good to, or for you. Regardless of reason, or motivation. That would be wonderful. Let's hope negative family history doesn't present itself.
I have been dealing with, or struggling to deal with a grief of a different kind or manner for about two years. Very/highly unsuccessfully, you might say. Recently I've stumbled across a new book, on how to in his opinion anyway, based on some experience with dying patients & their families in side of hospitals settings (he was a chaplain, I guess - & I'm not all that religious) / but his alternative or unconventional take, has been really the first thing that has helped me to open my eyes & to try to see things in a different light. That said, it's taken a while to get to here (nearly two years). And so, I don't know how noteworthy or useful/& valuable it would be, for someone in your position. But if it sounds like something you might be interested in checking out, at some future point, should you find yourself struggling to cope. I can leave a link here, so you know what it is (that speaks to me, have no idea or clue, if it would do so for you). :^)
https://www.amazon.com/As-Long-You-Need-Permission-ebook/dp/B0CD3PXCRK
https://www.barnesandnoble.com/w/as-long-as-you-need-j-s-park/1143709777

 

[MisterBGone]

@UrbanRose

 

[Windhover]

Thank you @UrbanRose . I miss him so much.

You'll always have support and a welcome here. Grief is or can be really damaging when dealt with all alone.

For a time, I was part of a helpful support group. It was free, offered at a grief centered community service. A trained counselor led the sessions; I did learn how to cope better than I had been.
link to grief center

 

[UrbanRose]

I get what you're saying. It's difficult for others in our family to understand the full nature, and throes of depression & suicidal thoughts, or other kinds of severe mental illnesses, unless they've lived through, or with them - themselves.
It's so very easy, instead, to pass judgement... & "to think," that you know it all~
I felt like this (once) & I did that, and it took care of, or remedied it. Why can't you, or why can't you find your similar answer, as did I - once upon a time.
I'm guessing your sisters have families of their own. This only complicates, or exacerbates the dilemma, of forming some kind of ...bond? Or way in which you feel you have the right to connect with them (for we often feel that we are being selfish, by burdening them with our troubles). So if they have their hands tied up in other affairs, or family members of their own. If for no better reason, then. Than lack of available time for you, or us. We can't be a bother to them. And it is also (more) convenient for them. To not go to that extra mile that they otherwise might, in order to reach out & see how it is, that we are really doing? Truly!
Excuses, reasons, it doesn't matter which. Or even if it is none of those. That the barrier exists, or the gap is present, is all that matters, and all that remains, in reality. Maybe there is some way to change this dynamic in your relationship with your siblings? Perhaps this funeral for your Brother, might present a turning point, or a moment of crystallization, or crystal clear thinking, or bringing things into more laser focus. In terms of just how precious & fragile life is. We can be here & present in one moment, and gone in the next~*
Perhaps they will be exceeding good to, or for you. Regardless of reason, or motivation. That would be wonderful. Let's hope negative family history doesn't present itself.
I have been dealing with, or struggling to deal with a grief of a different kind or manner for about two years. Very/highly unsuccessfully, you might say. Recently I've stumbled across a new book, on how to in his opinion anyway, based on some experience with dying patients & their families in side of hospitals settings (he was a chaplain, I guess - & I'm not all that religious) / but his alternative or unconventional take, has been really the first thing that has helped me to open my eyes & to try to see things in a different light. That said, it's taken a while to get to here (nearly two years). And so, I don't know how noteworthy or useful/& valuable it would be, for someone in your position. But if it sounds like something you might be interested in checking out, at some future point, should you find yourself struggling to cope. I can leave a link here, so you know what it is (that speaks to me, have no idea or clue, if it would do so for you). :^)
https://www.amazon.com/As-Long-You-Need-Permission-ebook/dp/B0CD3PXCRK
https://www.barnesandnoble.com/w/as-long-as-you-need-j-s-park/1143709777

Thank you for recommending some reading that might help me. The next few weeks might go alright. I just have to stay calm and not feed into any friction that presents itself.

Depression and grief are two separate problems. Right now they feed into each other. The underlying issue is me being too alone way too much of the time. With patience, I can change that. I believe that was my brother's problem too. I know he was very lonely. I'm so sorry for how painful life was for him. He was homeless a lot. At least he was off the street for the past 3 years.

I wish I could have talked on the phone with my sisters yesterday or today. I decided against that. I don't want them looking down on me because I get depressed.

 

[UrbanRose]

Thank you @UrbanRose . I miss him so much.

You'll always have support and a welcome here. Grief is or can be really damaging when dealt with all alone.

For a time, I was part of a helpful support group. It was free, offered at a grief centered community service. A trained counselor led the sessions; I did learn how to cope better than I had been.
link to grief center

Thank you for understanding. Dealing with grief all alone is not normal for humans. That's why we have wakes and funerals. Right now I am alone. These posts are helping me. Thank you for telling me I can find support and a welcome here. When I get back from my trip, I will look for a grief support group.

 

[MisterBGone]

Thank you for recommending some reading that might help me. The next few weeks might go alright. I just have to stay calm and not feed into any friction that presents itself.

Depression and grief are two separate problems. Right now they feed into each other. The underlying issue is me being too alone way too much of the time. With patience, I can change that. I believe that was my brother's problem too. I know he was very lonely. I'm so sorry for how painful life was for him. He was homeless a lot. At least he was off the street for the past 3 years.

I wish I could have talked on the phone with my sisters yesterday or today. I decided against that. I don't want them looking down on me because I get depressed.

I'm sorry to learn of your Brother's predicament, and his circumstances. It sounds like he was a very tough, man. To not have known just how much it was he was suffering, or how (with the chemical dependency), that must have been quite the shock to the system, once you'd found out. And it was already to late (to do anything about it, or to help - which, I'm sure he wouldn't have wanted you to be involved, worried, or troubled by his issues).

I, myself, had that problem of loneliness & isolation both leading up to and then away from again my prominent grief, or grieving period (the moment of). I did not leave the house much for the next year after the fact. Just got every thing sent to me. It was not helpful having no one to turn to, to share in this pain. Other than others' sympathy. I basically just tortured myself. I'd recommend, you try to do whatever you can that is within your realm of power to try to change such an outcome or Fate, and you do sound like you've got a lot more going for you with some of the momentum you've built & stored up, just prior to all of this.

Yes, I think I know what you mean by treating them as both separate & unique-cases; that then sort of bleed, or blend into one anotehr. I'd already had the depression. Then the loss. Added (or plus / & on top of ~then*) the grief, or the feeling so vacant. So it all just compounded on everything then. For quite a long while, I guess. As I said, about a year of being darn near - I can't think of the word?

But non-functioning, then. And then another six month s of rehab, for lack of a better to mend myself. The end of which, I believe kind of led to me showing up here again in the fall (last) with somewhat of an arsenal of communication at my disposal.

So, anyway? That was my story, then--hope it wasn't too self centured! Take care, good luck & best wishes. Maybe you can call your sisters today, if it isn't a travel day, too late, or you don't feel you'd be able to steer the conversation away from the cliff, or the danger zone/area, of feeling vulnerable & having them, then look down upon you & cast (such) judgement (upon).