Devastated....

Discussion in 'Family, Friends and Relationships' started by ket93, Dec 28, 2008.

  1. ket93

    ket93 Well-Known Member

    Well to make a long story as short as possible... me and my BF have been together almost a year... some things have happened, mostly with me, but I thought overall we had a good relationship... at least the best one I had ever had... but we have also fought off and on for awhile now.. but because I thought we loved each other so much we would forgive and go on... so I guess I did not think that much about it really... Of course it bothers me to fight with him and I love him very much but I guess I just thought that no relationship is ever going to be perfect and ours was no different,..
    Well last weekend was a great weekend... we were so happy together... I believe that I felt better about us than I had in a long time.. and I think he felt the same...
    but something happened sunday night and things have not been the same since, or may ever be the same again? I found some other girls pictures (not bad ones from what I saw) on his computer... Well I confronted him about it and he explained to me that they were pics that a few of his guy friends had send him... for whatever reason I guess....? I am a little confused, but maybe its a guy thing...
    Well I believe him and that there was probably no harm in any of it... I do not believe he would cheat on me... but it devastated me to say the least... I was and still am very hurt by it... well we had not been having a good week although we did survive Xmas ok... but the other night when he was giving me praise and we were laying in bed talking, it came into my mind again and all I could think about was if he thought I was so beautiful why would he have to or want to look at other women? So I brought it up again... and we got into a fight because he didnt want to hear about it and said that he was just trying to compliment me and then it turns into that... so we are taking a break now.. he says he still loves me but I need to get myself right and figure out what causes me to behave the way I do... well I know what is wrong with me...
    several years of feeling bad about myself and being depressed and having very bad relationships and having both the dads of my two daughters walk out on me and pretty much abandon me and them...
    There is a lot more to everything than this and I am sorry to go on, but I just need some truly honest opinions and advice... I need help, I know I do and I have already planned on getting counseling... but I just need to know what I should do about our relationship? I truly love him, just feel really hurt and dont know if I can recover... I know that is a very stupid and trivial thing.. I know all guys look at other women, it just hurts me greatly....
     
  2. mixedemotions

    mixedemotions Forum Buddy

    it sounds to me asthough you may have a little bit of a trust issue. you may not see it now. but you may. it is not some thing we like to admit our selfs. the way inwhich your children's father left you could have some thing to do with this. but dont let it ruin what u have with your current partner.

    I understand how your partner looking at images of other women upsets you. but have to think about it this way.... the human body has a natural instinct to seek a mate. and no matter how much some one loves another. these instincts will nevr go away. you have to believe in your partner.

    I am sure you have looked at other men and thought he was good looking. this doesnt mean any thing.. you still love your partner. and im sure your partner still loves you.
    Try work things out with him andtry not to get upset. Iunderstand it is hard. I had a proplem like this in a past relationship. He was addicted to porn( i know this is different) I asked him not to watch it. but still he did. I think it could be a male thing...

    But try not to worry. Things may still work out x x

    Jane
     
  3. ket93

    ket93 Well-Known Member

    Thank you very much for taking the time to post a reply...
    Yes I know I have trust issues... That is something I believe we both have... We both need to work on that because I believe that a relationship will never work if you do not trust each other fully...
    I guess I need to listen to my own words and work on my trust...
    Yes, I know men look at other women and it may not mean anything.. (that being different from porn of course which I think is a little different.)
    but I guess I feel differently. I have really not looked at men since I have been with him in that way, because I am totally attracted to him and believe he is all I need... but I realize that I cannot expect him to be the same exact way either. And I guess this is the hard part of it all... thinking that he is all I need, but feeling I am not good enough if he looks at other women...
    It is hard for me, but I know I have a lot of issues to work out before I can be happy and before we can really be happy like we used to be...
     
  4. ket93

    ket93 Well-Known Member

    I found this on the web... it is very meaningful to me and how I feel right now...

    Today I begin to understand what love must be, if it exists... When we are parted, we each feel the lack of the other half of ourselves. We are incomplete like a book in two volumes of which the first has been lost. That is what I imagine love to be: incompleteness in absence.
    -Goncourt
     
  5. ket93

    ket93 Well-Known Member

    Well it is not really getting any easier....
    I just got off the phone with my (ex?) BF and he sounds very cold and uncaring about my feelings... he tells me all the things I do wrong and how I need to get help for myself and that I have made him get to this point of being very cold and bitter about everything...
    He says he loves me but it is very hard to believe that the way he is acting...
    I feel like I have to not only get help for myself which is hard enough in itself but also have to get over how I feel about all of this, which is very hurt and cold....
    He has pretty much told me that if I do not comply with what he is asking, which is no more fighting, that it will be over instantly for us. So I guess that means he is willing to give me another chance, but I guess it just hurts me to know that we were so happy at one point and off and on have had problems and now it all seems to be on my shoulders... and the part that really kills me is that this all started over some pictures I found on his computer, and because of the pain and hurt I had over that, we ended up fighting and then breaking up, or I guess taking a break, whatever you want to call it... I feel we are not together...
    and may never be the same again...:(
     
  6. mixedemotions

    mixedemotions Forum Buddy

    you are right to think that things wont be the same. but this may just be in the beginnin. things can always get better, you should think more of the positive side.

    it seems to me that he most obvisously still have feelings for you, or he would not of gave it another go... take things slowly. you both need to trust each other first.

    i know this is easier said than done. but try hard.

    you seem to me like a very nice person, and for your bf to stand by you this long, means he does care for and love you.

    maybe getting some prefessional help will work. there is many different things you could try .

    Jane x
     
  7. jessikah2k8

    jessikah2k8 Well-Known Member

    This sort of happened to me, only in a much more understandable way. My ex, we were together around 7 months, and he had photos of glamour models. All round his room, laptop, calendars etc.. It made me incredibly uneasy, made me feel fat, made me feel I wasn't beautiful in his eyes..

    I got upset and confronted him about it. After a lot of time, I discovered he never really done anything about it to prevent me feeling this way, such as taking them down, or covering them when I came over. It was silly to say the least, but considering I broke down many times in front of him, I thought he would have the decency to take them down.

    I've come to realise after he dumped me that he was just playing mind games and he's a sick bully.
     
  8. ket93

    ket93 Well-Known Member

    Jane
    Thank you very much for your comforting words... Now if I could only believe that...
    I guess logic would tell me if he wanted to be with someone else he just would... we are in a long distance relationship and have been for almost 11 months now. He lives a little more than an hour from me. And even though I have had my doubts if the distance thing could work, it did.... it has just been other problems we have had...
    I know that if we are to work, we both have things we need to work on... we both have trust and jealousy issues, and that bothers me because I know those are two pretty big things, especially when both people have them...
    I just hope as he has more time away from me and since we have not been talking as much, that hopefully he will start to miss me more and need me more... because right now I feel like he doesnt... :(
     
  9. ket93

    ket93 Well-Known Member

    Jessikah,
    Thanks for your reply..
    I must say that even though I am not sure he did... the night that I confronted him about the pictures, after I left his house and we talked on the phone he had told me he deleted them... that is not to say that he did, but I guess I have to trust that he did... I do not really think he is the kind of person to tell me that if he didnt...
    So I guess in that way I am thankful to have someone like that who would care enough about my feelings to get rid of them rather than just leave them and say tough luck!
    I hope you have or will find someone special that deserves you... you sound a lot like me in thinking you are not good enough, but I am sure that you are and like me, have just been through hard times to make you believe things that are not true... :)