I've recently relapsed. I've been struggling pretty heavily and was signed off work a few weeks ago. I started cbt, but have been put back on the waiting list. I went in to work to speak to my supervisor about being off. shes also somewhat a friend I think.
After talking to her she told me to write. write anything and everything about my life. get it all out on paper and then burn it. So I e been doing that.
today I was writing about pretty much never going anywhere with friends. and remembering the last time I had been let out with a friend.
then it hit me like a tonne of bricks. and I have felt sick ever since the realisation.
when I was 12 I went to town with a friend. I had either £20 or £30. we had lunch, and went shopping. I had my new coat for school on me. we were having a good day out. but we didn't have money for the bus home.
so my friend said we should just walk and she knew a quick way home. we went to a park along the way and sat on the swings, some boys started harassing and bullying me. We eventually left and carried on walking by the river. I wasn't really all that familiar with this bit of town, but I was with my friend and I trusted her.
She got tired and said her feet were hurting her, so we stopped near the river, when I realised I had left a bag behind. I left my coat with her because it was warm. and went back to get my bag. by the time I got back to my friend my stuff was gone and my coat was caught in the river, and she told me the boys had come by and thrown it all in the river. (The Thames is one of the main rivers in the UK, it is deceptively deep, and fast moving, has a very strong current) I had to get my coat because my mum would kill me for losing my new coat, so I tried to reach it but couldn't. I bent down to get a stick to try and reach it, and she shoved me, pushing me into the river.
At the time she made me say the boys had pushed me in to my mum. when I was alone she said she'd need to call the police on the boys and I said they didn't do it. But I didn't say who did.
it never truly hit me until today as I'm writing it all down. she was trying to kill me. the river goes a fair way out from my home, it took longer to go that way than to stick on the main road. so she must have planned it. all of this im only realising now. and I am just so confused. and overwhelmed... I dont know what to think or feel, I don't know to process this realisation. maybe its in my head, but I remember the whole day so clearly. Everything I bought everything we did and everywhere we went... I just can't process it.
After talking to her she told me to write. write anything and everything about my life. get it all out on paper and then burn it. So I e been doing that.
today I was writing about pretty much never going anywhere with friends. and remembering the last time I had been let out with a friend.
then it hit me like a tonne of bricks. and I have felt sick ever since the realisation.
when I was 12 I went to town with a friend. I had either £20 or £30. we had lunch, and went shopping. I had my new coat for school on me. we were having a good day out. but we didn't have money for the bus home.
so my friend said we should just walk and she knew a quick way home. we went to a park along the way and sat on the swings, some boys started harassing and bullying me. We eventually left and carried on walking by the river. I wasn't really all that familiar with this bit of town, but I was with my friend and I trusted her.
She got tired and said her feet were hurting her, so we stopped near the river, when I realised I had left a bag behind. I left my coat with her because it was warm. and went back to get my bag. by the time I got back to my friend my stuff was gone and my coat was caught in the river, and she told me the boys had come by and thrown it all in the river. (The Thames is one of the main rivers in the UK, it is deceptively deep, and fast moving, has a very strong current) I had to get my coat because my mum would kill me for losing my new coat, so I tried to reach it but couldn't. I bent down to get a stick to try and reach it, and she shoved me, pushing me into the river.
At the time she made me say the boys had pushed me in to my mum. when I was alone she said she'd need to call the police on the boys and I said they didn't do it. But I didn't say who did.
it never truly hit me until today as I'm writing it all down. she was trying to kill me. the river goes a fair way out from my home, it took longer to go that way than to stick on the main road. so she must have planned it. all of this im only realising now. and I am just so confused. and overwhelmed... I dont know what to think or feel, I don't know to process this realisation. maybe its in my head, but I remember the whole day so clearly. Everything I bought everything we did and everywhere we went... I just can't process it.
